Ted didn’t want to babysit Bill’s daughter. He didn’t like Bill, and Bill didn’t like him. Why did he have to be the only one in the office who was free for the weekend? Alice didn’t exactly want to be babysat either. She’s too old for that!
Little did Ted and Alice know how much fun they were going to have.
(AU; Alice has not dated Deb yet, Bill hasn’t divorced yet either)
“Sorry, Sam and I are taking this Counseling Retreat this weekend,”
Ted glanced at the date at the bottom right of his screen.
“I’m gonna be out for the weekend, Bill. Sorry,”
July 22, 2016. Ted was ready to get home to start his binge on the new BoJack Horseman season release.
“Turns out Mr. Davidson wants me to come with you, Bill.”
“Are you kidding me, Paul?!”
Ted was finishing the last spreadsheet for the day when frantic footsteps began to be audible to him, crescendoing.
He sighed, then proceeded to save the file, the clicking from his mouse quick.
“Before you ask, Bill,” Ted raised a finger blindly to his co-worker’s face, bending down to turn off his desktop’s CPU, “why don’t you get your wife to take care of Alice while you’re away?”
Bill’s jaw dropped.
“Just how the hell do you know that?”
“It’s been word throughout the entire office!” Ted raised himself and faced Bill. “Good to know I am literally your last option.”
“I don’t trust the likes of you around my daughter.”
“And yet here you stand,” Ted crossed his arms and legs.
Bill sighed. “Her flight got delayed to next week.”
“How long has she been gone, Bill?”
“Can," Bill tried to calm down, "C-Can we not, Ted?”
“Alright, alright. I’ll take care of your girl for the weekend. You’re fucking lucky my brother is out of town competing in the Summer State Science Quiz Bee.”
“Yep. I’m lucky,” Bill replied sarcastically, pulling out his phone. “Can you pick her up this afternoon?”
“Wait, you’re making her stay in my house?!”
“I don’t want you in my house!”
“My house is a mess! A-And is Alice even okay with moving out for two days—“
“Alice is sixteen. She’s old enough to sleep over,”
“S-Sixteen? Isn't she old enough to be by herself for a bit?”
“Don’t you tell me how to parent!” Bill spat back with vitriol. “I’m her father, right?!”
“Fuck, geez!”
Bill kept his phone, “I texted Alice that you’re the one picking her up. Five thirty, alright?”
“Got it, got it.”
5:47. Ted was late for seventeen minutes.
Alice had been waiting in the front of the Woodward house, two bags on her person.
Fifteen going on sixteen, Alice had begun to notice how quickly she was growing up, how she would leave the house in a few years where she would live a life according to her own standards.
She does not know of the nightmare that awaits her in the coming year.
Ted arrived in a car which, as much as Alice could pinpoint, came straight out of the mid-2000s, soon to be worn out given more time. It was a golden brown, slightly dusty.
Ted drew down the windshields, “Alright, get in.”
“Certainly took a while,” Alice muttered to herself as she got up to get into Ted’s car.
He gestured for her to sit in the backseat, which she happily did.
The car smelled of lemon freshener mixed with fast food grease.
“You up for coffee, Alice? We might cross the Beanies near here,”
“Sure, um, Mr. Spankoffski.”
Ted cringed a little, feeling the awkwardness inside the car as he drove.
He parked his car on the open spot in front of the coffee shop having arrived, gesturing the teen to follow him into the establishment.
There were unusually few customers, including themselves.
"Welcome to Beanies! What can I get ya?" The barista asked with a chipper smile.
"One chai iced tea," Ted pulled out his wallet, then nudged Alice, "and..."
"O-one honey iced tea,"
Ted pointed with his mouth, gesturing to the barista, clearly struggling to get money out of his wallet.
"O-Oh!" She then faced the barista, nervous to talk and mess up basic speech, "U-um, one honey iced tea, please."
"And what ki-"
"Black tea! Uh, black tea, specifically."
Ted gave Alice a look as he placed the well-counted money on the counter. Alice fidgeted where she stood.
"Thank you so much, Sir!" The barista then went to do the tea orders.
The two spoke at the same time.
"Y-You first,"
"Alice." Ted reclined on the counter. "It's just tea."
"I know, sorry,"
Ted sighed.
"You did nothing wrong, alright?"
"I know, I know." Alice then reclined on the counter too.
"...you want take-out or we go by the drive-through? Many possibilities here,"
Alice began to think to herself, "I guess the drive-through's nice."
"McDonald's?"
"I don't mind."
The two didn't wait for too long for their tea. They went back in, with Alice seated shotgun this time.
"You're looking real happy with your tea, Alice,"
She stopped sipping from her straw, blushing in self-consciousness. "It's not every day I get tea that I like."
"Oh?" Ted made a left turn, "I swear I see your Dad leave the office with coffees,"
"It's just the same caramel frappes that he likes. I don't think he remembers when I ask him to get me honey iced tea..."
"Okay," Ted dragged out the remark, now at the McDonald's drive-through, "What do you want?"
Alice got chicken McNuggets. Ted gave himself a Quarter Pounder.
Ordering from McDonald's was something Ted didn't expect himself to do. The more he bit into his Quarter Pounder, the more he began to question why he wanted fast food on a whim.
Alice seemed pretty content. She was as shy as Bill described her to be, almost reminding Ted of himself.
The idea of someone being weirdly like him haunted him.
He swallowed the bite.
Alice seemed so kind, and if his guesses were right, very full of good potential. She was the most tolerable teen Ted ever encountered in his adult life!
It felt shitty to see her look so...repressed.
No.
They just met. He knows nothing about her.
Then again, guesses are guesses. Ted was scarily never wrong when it came to guesses.
hatchetfield eldritch entity ocs because i can’t help myself
when i made this post, i was serious
these three are for fanfics; they are all relatively benevolent forces and are designed as such
Whinny
Whinny is a doll sold all over the world in various colors and variations. Common to all Whinny dolls is glow-in-the-dark eyes and detachable parts! Whinny is targeted to children in troubled environments and settings, as an aid and comfort to their situations.
This doll induces conflict resolution, and represents reconciliation, as well as the repair of broken relationships. Whinny as an entity is a lone horse, hopping here and there in random spots outside time and space.
(left, doll; right, doll w/ glowing eyes)
Jiggly
Jiggly is the mascot of the restaurant Jellyfish Junction. She brings life to the Sea of Dreams, just right outside Farm Field and beside the train station to Snoozle Town. Jiggly is commonly seen as an animal plush hat, the hats usually freebies to meal specials. Jiggly and Jellyfish Junction aims to spark up your day with their energizing menu!
Wearing a Jiggly hat binds the wearer to an “electric” sensation, as well as this hypnotic urge to abandon all inhibitions, anxieties, and self-doubt. Jiggly makes her wearers determined and confident, raising their self-esteem. Some supernatural side-effects of prolonged wearing is “reddening of the eyes” and a mild spread of the hat’s power to anyone near the wearer.
(left, Jiggly as standard hat; right, Jiggly in the colors of her true form)
Sleepy
Sleepy is an amalglamated creature who governs over the place known as Farm Field, the very floor of outer space, where cosmic poppies grow. She’s known as the Queen of Reveries and the Poppy Polinator. Her powers lie in rejuvenation and rest, a simultaneous enhancement and restoration for the minds of the weary and the haunted.
Little is known about her intentions for her behavior, but it is said that the cosmic poppies associated with her grow in random spots all over time and space. To arrange a meeting with her is to sleep after directly handling one of the cosmic poppies that are rarely even found. An encounter with Sleepy almost always results in an improvement to the visitor’s life, though that is not always guaranteed, with the visitor still vulnerable to nightmares and degradation.
(left, Sleepy in Farm Field when the poppies aren’t in season; right, Sleepy in Farm Field during cosmic poppy season)
Ted didn’t want to babysit Bill’s daughter. He didn’t like Bill, and Bill didn’t like him. Why did he have to be the only one in the office who was free for the weekend? Alice didn’t exactly want to be babysat either. She’s too old for that!
Little did Ted and Alice know how much fun they were going to have.
(AU wherein Alice has not dated Deb yet, Bill hasn’t divorced yet either; MASSIVE SPOILERS for BoJack Horseman Season 3 and Moulin Rouge! are discussed)
Alice woke up fairly well-rested Saturday morning, forgetting for a second that she wasn’t in her own house.
Ted Spankoffski’s house had 3 bedrooms. One was a master bedroom where Ted slept and also did any other non-CCRP related work. Another was a room where Ted’s nerdy brother stayed for the Summer; ever since Ted got himself a house, his younger brother would stay over at his place during holidays and academic breaks.
Then there was the spare guest bedroom Alice was in where Ted had to set up for her the previous evening. It was very plain.
She went downstairs, explored a little, then found no one. She went back up, knocking on Ted’s bedroom door. No response.
Alice then decided to wash up instead, to feel fresh in the morning. She did all the work in the downstairs bathroom (Ted specifically told her to use that particular bathroom), leaving it as neat as it was before she came to the house.
She tried to knock on the door again, the increased strength of her rapping revealing to her that the room had not been locked, or closed properly for that matter.
She peeked in to find Ted who was still asleep, clutching a laptop like a stuffed toy. His shirt, boxers, and socks tied together with his slumped figure, which also seemed intertwined with the bedsheets. There were used tissues all over the bed, some on the floor making a trail to a semi-used paper towel roll. There were an empty bowl and two empty beer bottles on the bedside table. It reeked of Corona and clearly imported Honey Butter Chips.
Alice stepped in to try to wake Ted up, but the floor creaking below her was enough to make him jolt awake.
“Who the fu-“ Ted calmed down from the shock of waking up so suddenly, “A-Alice?! Shit, I forgot you’re here,”
“I-Is there anything I can eat?”
Ted rose from his position, sitting upward on his bed, “...are you allergic to eggs? Milk?”
“No, I’m not allergic to either.”
“Good,” Ted yawned, getting up and stretching, “because my fridge is fucking empty.”
“I noticed.”
That was hyperbole...sort of. The only breakfast that could be made from Ted’s pantry was egg toast and cereal. There was enough for both of them to finish all of said egg toast and cereal.
“What were you watching last night?” Alice asked Ted, playing with her fruit loops a little.
“Hm?” He swallowed the last bite of his toast with instant coffee.
“You were crying for about thirty minutes; I couldn't sleep-”
“I-It was a sad episode, alright?!” Ted was slightly embarrassed, hesitating to take another sip of coffee, “That fucking baby seahorse will never know...”
Alice raised a brow, unaware of the reference. She ate some more cereal.
“Don’t give me that look, Alice!” That was Bill’s glare, alright, “BoJack Horseman is a very good show!”
“And you binged the whole thing last night?”
“It’s the new season. I’ve got two episodes left before I finish.” Ted then proceeded to chug down what was left of his coffee.
“My laptop died during my binge but it was late and I was just,” He blew a raspberry, “...I needed to sleep.”
“I’ve done that before, not gonna lie,” Alice place down the spoon, done with her breakfast, “Though, the show I watched was kinda...yeah, it was kinda shitty,”
“Let me guess: you’ve watched it because someone hot’s in it,”
Alice blushed, “I-It’s not just that!”
“Hey hey hey,” Ted chuckled, “I’m guilty of that, I ain’t judging.”
Alice hmphed, “Should I watch that—what’s that show?”
“BoJack Horseman?”
“Yeah.”
“Hm,” Ted then began cleaning up by taking Alice’s utensils, stacking them with his, “it starts weak but gets so much better, like real fucking better. Dunno if you’re old enough to watch it though,”
“I’ve seen some pretty adult stuff! Mom makes me watch Tarantino movies with her, at least whenever Dad's not around sometimes,"
Ted nodded at Alice’s mother’s taste in film, “Aight, but that show just...it just hits somewhere really hard when you’re in your early thirties full of regret and with no discernible life direction but, hey! If you can take it, I’d be impressed.”
Alice blinked, “What? Is it like, psychological horror? The kind rooted in some comedically timed socio-political commentary?”
“Well, arguably.” Ted then got up to bring the dishes in his hands into the kitchen.
“...where can I find it?” She asked with mild interest.
“Netflix,” The sound of dishes landing in a sink was heard from Alice’s seat, “It’s a cartoon too, and like, about a bunch of animals, if those kinds of things float your boat.”
Alice never made it past Episode 1 when she tried to watch it herself, convinced Ted’s taste was shit. Personally, she will regret that.
The rest of that morning left Alice and Ted to their own individual devices. Alice typed away some interesting plots and ideas on her phone. Ted went to finish the last episodes of that sad horse show.
An hour before the time Alice would usually eat lunch, she had been cycling around various plotlines for a potential...well, something. Alice knew she just had to write something.
She was in the living area of the house when she heard Ted sloppily walk down the stairs. His eyes were teary.
"Are you alright, Mr. Spankoffski?" She looked at him with concern.
Ted shakily neared her, hesitating to sit on the couch next to her. He instead placed a languid hand on one of the couch's armrests.
"Please don't die on me, Alice, oh my God..."
He broke into sobs. Alice could only stare at this behavior in confusion.
"Did something bad happen in the show, or...?"
"Fuck, it got worse!" He sniffled, "A-And not, like, n-not in a bad writing context--that show's writing is the shit, Alice! But fuck! F-Fuck!"
Sarah Lynn was not supposed to die, but she did die and the fact left Ted devastated. A part of him knew it was gonna happen as he saw the old man, er, horse, and the poor girl in the motel, missing the Oscars. (Then again, that show had a penchant for hollowing, tragic endings per episode.)
Even in entertainment, in his favorite shows to watch, Ted Spankoffski knew better than to hope. It was more realistic for him.
"You can sit down," Alice moved aside to give Ted space to sit.
Ted cried as he sat next to her, "God, I'm sorry y-you had to see me like this,"
"I've...I-I've had worse breakdowns over a show. I-It's all good."
TV and Movie homophobia still haunted the teenage girl.
It's things like that, whether extravagant or subtle in delivery, that prompted her to write and clarify in any way that she could if only to fight. Alice Woodward was the kind of girl who refused to despair.
"Yeah, A-Alice?"
"Mhm," She nodded, quickly writing "character gets sucked into a tv show???" in her phone's Notes app.
"What if we watched something less depressing instead? You can watch it with me, Alice!" Ted breathed, "You're not bored, are you?"
She added "literally? figuratively? ehhh let the watchers decide??? kshfukdhivg" then kept her phone.
"No! N-No, I know how to keep myself, um, b-busy," Alice then shifted herself into a more comfortable position, "What movies do you have?"
Ted paused before answering, realizing he was hungry.
“You pick,” He said, getting up, “You want pizza with that?”
Alice nodded eagerly, watching Ted head for his phone.
“Wait, what am I supposed to pick?”
“There’s a bunch of CD cases in the drawer under the center table—it’s right in front of you!” Ted's voice decrescendoed as he headed upstairs.
“Drawer?” Alice wondered to herself, bending down to inspect the described center table. There was in fact a drawer.
She pulled it open to find bunches of CD cases, charging wires, and what clearly seemed to be unusable gadgets or “e-junk” as her father would, in a terribly corny way, put it.
Alice noticed a notable amount of movie musicals in one bundle of CD cases. The one that got her attention was Moulin Rouge!, unfamiliar with the title and very taken by the red-haired beauty printed on the cover. There was Jesus Christ Superstar, West Side Story, Rocky Horror Picture Show, and a bunch of Disney Princess movies. Upon further inspection of the non-musical movies, Ted had a diverse taste in film, though it was primarily pretty basic in Alice's opinion, minus a few exceptions.
She closed the drawer, further inspecting the Moulin Rouge CD cover by reading the synopsis on the back. An aspiring writer falls in love with a courtesan but other things get in the way? Alice could not blame the writer, in fact, she was quick to identify with him, even if she had not seen the movie yet.
“Alice?” Ted called from upstairs, “Are you allergic to anything I should know?”
“No,” She called back, playing with the CD cover.
“Good! I’m getting us a Bacon Surprise,”
“Alright,” Apparently Ted chose to order from that Witchwood Ovens Shop downtown.
“What movie do you wanna watch?” Ted asked as he went back down. Alice showed him the CD cover.
“Moulin Rouge?” He mispronounced, “I actually have that in there?”
Alice handed the cover to Ted as he approached her, “I don’t think I’ve seen this one,”
“No shit, Alice. This movie’s got prostitution; if I know your Dad enough,” He stared at the cover, trying to remember when he got it, "he would make sure you'd never see it. God, I remember seeing this in the theater, like, when I was about your—h-how old are you again?"
"Fifteen, but I'll be sixteen later this year,"
"Eh, close enough," Ted then placed the CD cover down, ready to set up the television set in the living room.
"Nicole Kidman, man..." Ted dusted the CD player, plugging the TV into it, "She was the fucking best in that thing."
"Do you even know what happens in it?" Alice asked as she watched Ted at work, "Or were you just hoping Nicole Kidman would step on you?"
"Don't you fucking shame me, Alice!" Ted gasped back as he blushed, "If you had any taste in women, you'd want the same Goddamn thing."
Ted guessed correctly, keeping the girl from returning his snark.
It was around the Elephant Love Medley when the pizza arrived. Ted was kind enough to pause for Alice as he went to get the pizza. Alice was still recovering from the exhilaration of the past few songs, overwhelmed with the crowd-like effect of the cheesy-Jukebox mashups that introduced Christian to that infamous dancehall, the gratuitous use of slow-mo effects, and the ridiculous use of that Can-Can. It was "Spectacular Spectacular" indeed!
Alice almost choked on her pizza during the Like A Virgin scene. It was also very clear to her, as they watched, that Ted must've forgotten a lot of what had happened in the film given some of his reactions. Ted cursed The Duke repeatedly, particularly at that scene when he found out about the true nature of Christian's play.
Ted believed that he should've seen Satine dying coming. He saw this movie before. The movie literally said so right at the start!
Why, as he watched, did he want that happy ending when the opposite was inevitably going to happen?!
Something about Satine charmed Ted, in a particularly nightmarish way. The idea of further thinking about it was repressed repeatedly, refusing to confront the roots of it all. Surely it was just him being a horny bastard, right? Right?
This totally had nothing to do with the fact that Satine had vibrant red hair, cerulean eyes, polished milky skin, and a beautiful figure.
This totally had nothing to do with how familiar this fictional character seemed to be, resembling someone Ted remembered with intense, bittersweet longing.
This totally had nothing to do with the sight of Satine breathing her last breath on a bed of roses reminding Ted of a memory that he swore hadn't happened yet.
Or it did happen?
Why debate when it happened when it shouldn't have happened at all? It wasn't supposed to happen, whatever that thing was that Ted didn't need to remember at the moment. And yet...
She didn't make a sound. Heartbreak was never so loud.
Alice's sniffling brought Ted back to reality. Ted put a hand on her shoulder.
"God, I-I look so stupid," Alice chuckled out from her tears, rubbing her teary eyes, "they literally say it in the beginning, ugh!"
Ted coddled her closer to him so he could hug her but Alice recoiled back.
"T-Thanks, but we both smell like pizza," Ted nodded back in response.
As he cleaned up the living area, he asked Alice, "How was the movie?"
"It was pretty cheesy," She pulled out her phone again, inspired to write, "but kinda fun? Like, you don't get fun movies with this much energy, at least, when I try to compare, well. You know what I mean."
"Yeah," Ted replied absent-mindedly, "It certainly brings back memories of, well, certain times."
"I think it kinda comes off as an epic-like piece,"
"No need to wax academic, Alice,"
"You asked for it!"
"I asked about how it was, not for an essay about its themes and shit!" Ted straightened himself up with a chuckle, "It's just a movie, after all."
"It hits different though," She spat back, focused now on her phone.
Witchwood Oven Shop pizzas were notably heavier on the stomach compared to their competitors. Any leftover pizza the two had for lunch that day, Ted proceeded to reheat for dinner. He scavenged his refrigerator for any packs of instant lemonade, which were thankfully there, and prepared two glasses for the two of them.
It was a shitty excuse for dinner, but Alice didn't seem to mind. She was very concentrated on her phone.
"What'cha writing about?"
Alice tilted her phone as to hide it, "It's not really much yet. It's all a bunch of prompts so far."
"You can pitch me stuff," He swallowed a bite, "Which ones really get to you?"
"Well," She hesitated.
"Well?"
"I-I've got a traveling adventure in a fancy, cultured but mysterious new town..."
"Anything else?"
"Still deciding whether I should make it a horror or a comedy. Besides that, it's all gonna rest on a foundation of romance between our main character, and, well..."
"Who?"
"I don't know! It's all I got so far!"
"Hey, it's not bad," Ted sipped his lemonade, "You know, I bet with enough time, it can become something really fucking great. I'd be invested if this was a movie or a staged production of sorts, I don't know,"
"Y-You think it's good, Mr. Spankoffski?"
"Oh hell yeah," He placed the glass down, "Not to be cheesy, but romance really gets me."
"Yeah, same."
"Have you considered making it some sort of horror-comedy romance? I would love it if you could pull it off."
The lapels on men's tailored suits are attached to the emblems, and raise down to where the buttons enter. They charge in a variety of styles with a species of options. Subject in the most contrast, the lapels' width ranges excluding the extremely scrutinizing ones designed during the 1950s to those that are rather wide, that were in popularity during the 1970s. As is the case with much of classic fashion, men's suits with lapels having a constrain width prove to be the most spartan ones with a timeless appeal. <\p>
Lapels vary not just in their width, but also in their styles. They can be seen means of access three styles i.e. lacerate (with a wide, V-shaped opening where the lapel and collar join), peaked (that flares out in a sharp point, with a genuine wide, deep V at the join and shawl 9where the lapel and pin are indistinguishable as it curves from around the foundation garment integral the form of speech bedridden to where the lapels end). While notched and reduced lapels are both likewise pornographic literature on speaking terms look, the latter can be seen most as a rule on double-breasted jackets. Shawl collars are usually limited to formal wear, though i myself can also be seen forward readymade suits. If you plan so that exude a classic look, avoid wearing such ready made suits.<\p>
There are unanalyzable one ochry identical rows of buttons on jackets concerning men's tailored suits, depending concerning whether they are single or double-breasted. Single-breasted jackets have a distinguish row in regard to buttons, in association with 1 - 4 buttons (2 - 3 buttons are the most standard). Single buttons are usually restricted to tuxedos. The 3-button jacket is the maximal unwritten configuration. Oftentimes, only the interventional or promote button is fastened when standing, though the premium two buttons may be fastened to exude a in a way plurality constructional magician. A later permutation, the 2-button men's suits show plural about the shirt and lump together and are gone to waste to give a slightly more slimming appearance. Only the top button is fastened circumstantial 2-buttoned single-breasted jackets.<\p>
For tall men, 4-button jackets provide an round alternative - productive conjugal love the 3-buttoned versions in contemplation of shorter men. Unlike 2 or 3-buttoned suits where the bottom lightweight is left undone, a 4-buttoned tailband is worn at all 4 buttons fastened.<\p>
Double-breasted jackets have either 4 crescent 6 buttons on either side. Where there are 6 buttons, only the exist 4 are fastened; given the design of the suit, only 2 decidedness actually be buttoned at any accustomed time. There is also an contingency button concealed on the reverse of the outer drub of a double-breasted suit, onto which the inside unicorn €hidden€ malaise attaches. A double-breasted jacket is not a jot left unbuttoned in any event condition. The very model is always securely buttoned just the same the wearer is standing and remains so as to until the wearer sits. Further, while the bottom button of a single-breasted jacket is always left undone, both efficient buttons on a double-breasted jacket are fastened.<\p>
