It was superfluous. These strange emotions he had harbored, that he kept bottled up for so long… they were unnecessary. Unwanted. He didn't want them. He wanted them gone.
His… well, in all honesty, he couldn't really tell what it was— his soul; his spirit; the living ghost inside of him; whatever that part of him that held no physical form was called. It felt terrible. Pained. All it ever offered him was some horrible pulsating pain in his chest; a throbbing ache with every beat of his heart.
It only served to remind him that, there it was, yet another unnecessary thing; hearts. They didn't matter to him in the past. He used questioned himself, why do people talk about them as if they're so important? Because really, at this point of his life, it seemed to him that hearts only existed to do nothing but break. Just like promises.
And to think all this inner turmoil he'd felt over the passing months was caused by one innocent girl. Her face, her image, her very aura… And one glimpse of her cheerful smile was all it took. She had no idea how much she was breaking him.
Because he knew those smiles weren't meant for him.
He had been far too trusting. He had become far too attached to these emotions. But, even so… he had to admit, he did feel a sense of warmth and security just by hearing her voice, telling him that she was happy to have him by his side.
He couldn't understand it at all. He had tried earnestly to get every bit closer to her. Every time she felt down, she knew he could count on him to listen to her problems. She could call him and annoy him with her problems, and he'd listen. But, well… perhaps there were a few times where he fell asleep listening to her halfway-- but that was only because she kept turning to him late at night, it couldn't be helped. But, at least he didn't hang up on her or tell her to leave him alone or something. He would try to listen. "Try" being the keyword, because there had been a few instances where he simply stopped paying attention to her droning gossip. But, he was listening most of the time. Honest.
But, he'd learned to deal with it, somehow. The only thing that truly pacified him, was to block off and deny his own emotions. Shutting himself from others. Keeping his distance away from her.
Yet … It was eating away at him. He couldn't escape it. Whenever he saw her with him, an irrational, unexplainable feeling just surges in his chest and gnaws at his patience. He hated it. He didn't want to feel this way anymore.
He thought he could keep it a secret, and simply chase away anyone who dares come too close to him. But, she had already broken the barriers around his so-called "heart". And now, he could no longer contain the emotions that were slowly spilling out.
And so, he finally gave up struggling, and poured all his heart to her.
But… he was a fool to get his hopes up.
After professing everything he had kept in the dark for so long… she didn't seem to be disturbed. She had appeared surprised at first, but her shock had quickly vanished, and was replaced by another look.
No. No, no, no. Please, dear Lord, no. He could take anything else, anything but that. But, seeing that look in her eyes… he wasn't so sure he'd be able to hold it in anymore. He didn't want her pity. Pity doesn't help things; it only made him realize just how pathetic he was.
But then, she responds. She… was listening… Her answer… it was words he never expect anyone to convey to him. She had chosen to say something he couldn't truly answer-- not in words, at least. He couldn't even tell if her words were meant to be on the positive or negative side of things.
And suddenly, she threw her arms around him, quick enough to stop him from pulling away. He stiffened in place, but he didn't push her away from him. Normally, he would have instinctively moved away, with his mind screaming at him to run. But his thoughts instantly came to a halt; his mind went blank. And yet, she still didn't let go. She simply… held him tight.
And at that moment, the pain in his chest faded— not completely; it only lessened, little by little, and for just a moment, he felt... secure. It was a small, warm feeling, but he didn't want it to go. He didn't want this to end just yet.
For the first time in a quite a while, he savored the warmth. And he yearned for more.
He was an idiot, he knew that. But…
…For now, it was worth it.
And to him, every second he spent with her was worth everything.
