#leijenelle

[irrrridescent]

my love for me can move fucking mountains.

i am not a question

and i’m not here to ask you to stay.

[irrrridescent]

remember when you couldn’t finish a romance movie because once it started getting good you couldn’t stand it. love songs? blah. next. everyone around you seemed to be falling for another while you’re dancing between the spaces at the bar with a reckless attitude making sure you don’t spill your glass of apathy. do you also remember feeling that sneaky bit of nostalgia of what that used to feel like? like after your girl friend tells you about something sweet a guy did for her, you find yourself filled with ecstatic joy for her.. because deep down you love love. i mean you LOVE love. and you’re hopeful it’ll happen to you again. (right?) it’s always been there. you’ve always been there. you never left. you just got covered from the cynical stacks and jaded judgments. that’s okay. rise and let the dust fall. it’s okay.

all of a sudden you wake up one morning with an aching heart, but this feels different. it’s not from your heart breaking,

instead 

your heart is expanding.

[irrrridescent]

2.20.16

we were here before / i remember the lighting, i swear it was for you. large windows that allowed the sun to kiss your chameleon eyes. you were on fire. / we have been and are so many different people / i've watched you walk into a room a different man all too often different bottle, different you (like seasons we change with them) everyone of them i cherished, loved, remembered. i don't look at you the same, we don't love the same and there is more vulnerability then ever imaginable. i'm a smartass and a bitch because i have to be tough, right? there's no letting anyone into this house, my doors are locked and i'm facing the fucking walls. (my softness sleeps peacefully, only sometimes i wake her) / we've lived so many lives. i'm here to collect the rest of my things with a heavy heart and drunk eyes. i don't know what to say because words haven't come to me to explain how i'm feeling, so i'm just feeling. i sigh and shrug way more than i should and every fucking sentence has at least two fucks (no i don't care) / breakfast in bed, coffee black with regret and a bowl full of why’s / we were here before but we were tangled and entwined, threaded with a love so instrumental. here we are now as broken strangers sitting in a coffeeshop (is this what it feels like to fit in)

[irrrridescent]

undress

remove your jacket and your hat

untie your shoestrings and slip out of your long day

stretch your arms

feel the sincerity of my hands as they run up your silhouette as i remove your shirt, heavy with sweat and life

unbutton your pants and let them fall to the ground along with the disappointments you felt today

leave them there.

now lay with me,

tell me the details of your day and let’s start a new one

even though it’s 7pm and the sun has set

undress

let go of the stresses and listen to your bones ease as you do so

inhale deep and feel your spine thank you

remove the unnessesary weight you carry

lay with me and surrender

(you are home now)

[irrrridescent]

i.

i have always been told i have a motherly energy

i am here to protect, provide, and nurture

i am here to listen and hold, 

and carry

i walk with you (i am walking with you)

you are safe with me

i am not here to heal you,

i cannot save you (only you can do that)

but i am here to love you into oblivion

(a point of dizziness that forces you to slow down and recollect)

they call me momma

ii.

silent cries

and loud ones

which one can be heard or rather, which one do people honestly listen to

which do you listen to? are you listening? are you looking passed the mask? do you hear the intent of every breath?

what happens when one has just grown too stubborn and cold, 

and scared

to admit and utter the words “i need help too”

[irrrridescent]

major 🔑’s:

• keep a good distance from negativity. persons, spaces, energies. protect your sacred space, fill it with whatever feeds your soul and energizes your spirit. • everything is temporary. time is fleeting. moments are fleeting, and it can be scary but if you set your intentions on being grateful then things aren’t so bad. they may even appear brighter. • balance is vital but keep in mind that it is temporary (so you’ll be okay. it will always be okay) • accept that change is constant and dance with it. (you can even fall in love with it) go. • believe in your intuition. and don’t feel crazy about it. • practice what you preach. • remember that everyone has a different reality. perceptions range so keep an open mind. we are all teachers and students of one another. • be honest with yourself. this life is yours to live, don’t waste it trying to be someone you’re not. • love is on your side. and when you feel like it’s not, when your wounds and bruises seem inked to your heart (because i’m with you on this) and it seems so far and foreign - BE love. be that patient, passionate, raw, and unconditional love. define it yourself and you’ll see/feel that it’s not just one color or one body it’s a whole fucking spectrum.

[irrrridescent]

boy: would you give me another chance?

girl: i can honestly say that no one can love you like i did.. but it’s past tense.. “did”.. i loved you with everything i had and what i knew i would grow into. i loved you with my present and my becoming. but you always looked passed me. you broke me over and over and my skin has grown so thick and some parts are so cold. not just towards you but anyone who shows me emotion or affection. and if i do feel something towards them, when i do feel warmth and deep exhales - i don’t know what to do with it anymore, where to go from there. so i recluse and i remind myself that it’s all temporary (because that’s how it goes right?) so i slowly stop giving my energy.

you give me that question and i don’t quite know how to answer because to heal a wound, you don’t touch it

[irrrridescent]