Everyone says I will ruin her if I don’t put her down. But I only have 4.5 short months of her life where it’s just us. No obligations. No time spent away at work. One day I will forget what it feels like to hold the weight of her whole body in the crook of my elbow. I’ll forget what it feels like to feed her and have her snuggle into my breast and fall asleep when she’s full. What it feels like to have her reach out to me when she wakes up in the mornings, and I’m always right there, within reach of her little arms.
So I won’t put her down. I’ll soak in every second and try to permeate my memory as much as possible. My husband and I often joked about the superpowers we wish we had. Now I just wish I could freeze time and return to moments. I would visit my little girl at every frame of her life. One day, when she’s off to claim her own life, I would love to at least just once more feel like soft weight of her breath on my chest as fell asleep together in the rocker. I’m going to miss it so much.