‘Entering the restaurant, Jim saw his ex-wife, Sara, sitting closely beside a man who looked to be at least twenty years younger than her. Jim couldn’t believe it. It was shocking to see Sara with someone so much younger than her, younger than Jim too, since he and Sara were the same age, so shocking that Jim dropped his car keys.
“Sir,” the waiter said, “you dropped these,” and handed Jim his car keys.’
Now consider this edited version:
‘Entering the restaurant, Jim saw his ex-wife, Sara, sitting beside a man who looked to be at least twenty years younger than her.
“Sir,” the waiter said, “you dropped these,” and handed Jim his car keys.’
So, what just happened? Well, I cut “Jim couldn’t believe it. It was shocking to see Sara with someone so much younger than her, younger than Jim too, since he and Sara were the same age, so shocking that Jim dropped his car keys.”
The difference in the two versions is that the latter version has more “respect for you, the reader, built into it. The ideas “Jim couldn’t believe it” and “It was shocking” are contained in the action of Jim dropping his keys. I made the leap of faith that you’d assume Jim and Sara to be about the same age. In the process, I’ve saved myself (and you) thirty-seven words—about half the total length of the original bit.
How did I go about making that cut? Well, I imagined that I was you and that you read the same way I do, that you would be discontented with the first version at the same places I was, as I read it.”
"A Swim in a Pond in the Rain"
