#lesbian!ami

[makaluvr]

ami kawashima & kokomi teruhashi r both lesbian coded in this essay i will

[thoughtfulfangirling]

So here I am again, struck by just how clearly this moment is so freaking romantic! Now the romance is pushed by Ami’s actions. I mean, who can blame her after the last interaction; waking up in one of your crush's arms, rescued by her from a horrifying situation. This coming just after she decides not to run away anymore, to try her hardest. And those last shots of Usagi, where she goes from looking startled/confused to sheepishishly confused... that's Usagi finally realizing/feeling the romantic tension that's happening. But while I do think Usagi quite clearly has the ability to crush on girls, she has no need to really question herself because she has Mamoru. She's with Mamo-chan, so this intensity, in front of him no less, is extra awkward. I don't think she fully understands what's going on, as exhibited moments later, but a part of her definitely realizes that there is an exchange of emotions going on that isn't “"normal."”

And I think that moment was really important. The statement Ami makes, on it’s own, is pretty innocuous. Some confusion could be warranted as Usagi doesn’t really know what Ami’s been through, but the response is more than that. It’s big and dramatic. She’s not just reacting to Ami’s words—it’s the whole moment/interaction. But Usagi had to react in a way that doesn't encourage Ami. Because Ami has just made up her mind that she will do her best, just keep trying, and if Usagi had 100% responded positively to this series of emotionally intense moments, it would have felt like an opening Ami would need to pursue in order to not give up in a sorts, to try her hardest. The presence of Mamoru helps with this; Usagi is not a free woman. (I'm sure poly is not even a concept she would think of at this point.) But Usagi distancing herself from this romantic interaction (body language, hand holding, intense stare, admission of intense feelings), she reinforces to Ami that this is not her moment. There's no point in trying with Usagi since she has distanced herself from reciprocation, and she has Mamo. So instead of following through on these feelings Ami is having, she'll end up playing it for a joke.

[thoughtfulfangirling]

LOOK AT AMI’S PERFECT FACE! 

This is just after Michiru goddess-floated off, stage right. 

And Ami was left in awe. And this look! She’s not 100% sure about Michiru, but she likes what she saw/experienced. All the pretty girls are making her feel nice emotions. Just. Ugh. Ami’s face here. *flails* 

[thoughtfulfangirling]

Omg Michiruuuuu! Ha! She’s such a freaking Queen! And she leaves Ami in awe. Yes. It’s canon. Ami is seeing her as a portrait and just stands and watches this queen walk off. And she got to touch her! =P 

[thoughtfulfangirling]

BASK IN THE GLORIOUSNESS THAT IS MICHIRU KAIOH!

Ami sure tf is!! (‾̀◡‾́) 

[thoughtfulfangirling]

As I was writing for the last series of images, I wondered if I should wait to pair them with this set, but I wasn't sure how to best cut up the parts, so I left it. Because this doesn't just sound like it's regarding her dream to become a doctor.

Honestly, and I'm sure this could sound like I'm really stretching, but this episode has been very confusing to me for a long time. This is kind of the opposite to Mako's episode. In Mako's episode, the most obvious seeming thing is a crush on Haruka, and the identity stuff is a little less blatant (though almost certainly the intention of the creators).

This episode, the identity issue is front and center, but it's framing is strange. Once I've applied the lens of looking at it with a closeted lesbian Ami in mind, it makes a hell of a lot more sense to me.

Because I've never understood why the VP's words upset her quite as much as it does. Like being upset is one thing, but it making you question yourself is a little more extreme. Usagi making her upset made more sense because it was a friend saying something upsetting. But how it resolves? I never quite understood how the sequence of events we see offered any sort of conclusion to Ami's identity issues.

Because I don't really buy that she wasn't honestly trying to become a doctor, only that the VP/Usagi made her question herself there. And if just not relaxing and trying her best to become a doctor was the solution—as if she hadn't already been trying her best and not relaxing on her dream—then she'd be needing to make a change, which is exactly what seemed to bother her before (spending less time with the other girls and tutoring them so she could concentrate on her own studies being that change). I get that she second guessed her desire to be a doctor, but Mamoru already made her feel a bit better about that and she never really did completely give that up at any point in this episode.

So when you take into context the VP's comment as attacking Ami's desire to be with the girls and in the context of her queerness, it just makes more sense to me. Her not relaxing and giving it her all is about living her life to its fullest and not hiding from herself. It's also really the only thing that makes sense without any obvious changes to her habit/personality in later episodes, because you can choose to be open with yourself about your feelings and identity but not have much on the outside change. Accepting yourself and keeping the door open for future possibilities is a huge step for a queer person. It doesn't mean something needs to change immediately, just that you've accepted that when the opportunity comes along, you won't get in your own way.

And that's all the more perfect when you consider that this moment is happening during a race with Michiru, who I feel has very much already come to that conclusion herself and that this is one of the many reasons she’s defensive toward people holding back. Haruka holds herself back from Michiru. Michiru probably held herself back for longer than she would have liked (the woman's so hard on herself). Things just fall into place better imo when you take this into context.

Still, I'm not sure if I take this to mean that this episode is Ami finally confronting these feelings with full cognizance and accepting them, if it's just her realizing that she's holding back something in/from herself/others, or if it's some sort of acknowledgement that she's not like the other girls. Ami definitely strikes me as the type of person who would assume herself ace first and desiring simply a female platonic companion for the rest of her life (which Could kind of be accurate; she could certainly be ace and homoromantic). So there are still a lot of queer interpretations one can walk away with, especially as the episode is couching it all in subtext.

I don't know though, is it still subtext if it only really makes a lot of sense if you need that element? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

[thoughtfulfangirling]

OMG MICHIRU KNOOOWS!

Holy shit. That pan up from her legs after Ami walks in: That is definitely Ami's gaze. And then the mock strip tease! Michiru, you have alll the right things for this girl, but then you go and say another creepy thing. You might be Ami's aesthetic to a T, but she is a very moral person, and she does not think strong-arming someone to do your bidding is cool, even—especially, if it's some sort of elaborate joke.

But like, what an image! This woman sent someone out to literally fetch another person back to her. When said person arrives, she essentially asks if she's there willingly—like it was fully within reason Ami might not be there willingly or that Michiru fully knew Ami wouldn't be able to resist coming and therefore the question feels even more like a power play—because of course Ami came willingly. Michiru's like a freaking queen here. I can't get over this framing.

Because Michiru is clearly performing for Ami. She thinks Ami's cuuute. But when Michiru likes something, her walls go up, so she's also acting cold. So while I really think she's everything Ami would like and that Ami is really struggling in this episode to keep denying that, damn... girls are sexy(!), she keeps putting distance between herself and Ami with her need to protect herself.

[thoughtfulfangirling]

Omg Haruka! Don’t be a creep! Haha. I’m betting she thought she was saying something charming or slick, but Ami is having none of it—and honestly good, because that was creepy. I love though how they gave Haruka a line that would understandably make Ami not happy with her, but Ami’s reaction still feels... more. This might be a stretch, but I think Ami already didn’t like Haruka. I think her reasons for this are varied.

I wish I could articulate why I get these impressions, but I feel like Ami has always innately been very feminine. It's not active in the way Minako's is or meticulously thought out like Makoto's. Ami doesn't spend much time, I don't think, on her appearance. She very naturally and fluidly presents femininely, and this has always been received well and as appropriate by society. So it's an unexamined expectation of hers that women perform their gender. So Haruka's boyishness feels like an act of rebellion. It seems to Ami like Haruka is 'trying too hard' to be a bad ass or something of that sort. She sees Haruka as possibly trying to position herself above other girls by masculinizing herself and that this is a sign of Haruka thinking she's better than others, but truly not, as she's forcing this seeming unnatural presentation. I don't think these are active thoughts Ami has but is essentially what is going on behind the scenes of her mind.

I also think that Haruka's gender presentation places her firmly outside of that interest Ami has for women, so she's not someone Ami's ever going to crush on. This also could mean she doesn't feel the pull toward this woman that she does to other women that signify she wants to be their friends—as she may well have come to understand those feelings. This could also make her question Haruka, as usually Ami has good feelings toward other women.

But finally, this episode comes on the heels of Makoto's episode, where Mako spent a couple days enamored by Haurka and listening to the other girls go on and on about Makoto's crush on her. Ami probably has some pretty serious feelings of jealous and confusion in reference to Haruka.

So to come back to this interaction, that creepy line of Haruka's gave us a valid reason for Ami to be act cold toward Haruka, but I think she would have anyway. I think no matter how the dice were rolled, Ami wouldn't have gotten on that bike—it's too masculine, with a woman she doesn't like, when she also probably heard about this woman almost running over the two girls she feels most strongly about in the world (Mako & Usagi at the beginning of 96). She was going to end up walking herself all the way back, leaving Haruka to awkwardly waddle her bike alongside Ami the rest of the way back to the pool.

I really wish we'd gotten to see a good animation of that. All we got really was this.