thots
Two days after Christmas and man I miss talking to you. I miss laughs with you and just special moments with you. So instead of texting you or calling you, I decided it would be best to write how I feel on here. I mean no one would ever really know who I am, kinda, but I don’t really care. Nothing on the internet is safe haha.
Stew,
I miss you every single day. I wake up in the morning hoping for a text that I know I won’t reply to. I go to sleep hoping I get a call or a text from you. I think about you literally every single day. Where did it all go wrong? I wish that we could be together. But I know for both of our own good, that now is not the time. I know how much each of us just want this to work. How much we both want to grow alongside each other and walk our faith with each other in our lives. But this is why I believe that now is not the time:
There is still so much to grow within both of us. Yes, we are walking in our faith. Yes, we are being obedient to the Lord. Yes, we have a fire inside our hearts that has not been there for so long. But it would be premature for us to jump back into the relationship that we once had. When I think of us doing that, I see a lot of chaos. There is still so much healing that needs to be done. On my end, there are things that I have realized that I could not see while we were together.
We cannot be in a relationship with each other until we have healed from our past hurts. That includes our relationship and any other relational toll that we taken onto our load throughout our life. Without allowing God to heal us, this leaves room for the enemy to sell us lies of insecurity, fear, anxiety, etc. And the enemy will use that until he breaks us apart. This will continue to happen if we do not heal. Time does not heal everything...intention heals everything. And I learned that if we never heal, so many aspects of our relationship do not allow our individual selves to truly be who we are.
I noticed that we are both free-spirited, personable, and fun people. This is such a beautiful aspect of us both! We love to be free and independent, we thrive off of having our own personal boundaries that are not constructed by the insecurities of our past. You see, when we are not healed, we constantly put these walls for each other between other people. We are not secure with each other being our true selves. And I believe we’ve gotten pretty crazy about it. Both of us. And that is not who we are. Now some things that we ask of each other are within reason, but I believe that both of our hearts stemmed from a place of insecurity or fear or lack of trust. I don’t want either of us to feel like we’re on a leash. And I felt that with you. I felt that I couldn’t really be myself when I was with you. I felt that I was being somebody else. Which is probably part of the reason as to why you felt that I wasn’t being honest with you. I do not want to once again lose my identity and I’m sure that you do not want that either.
I think it is best for us to just be friends. If we end up together, then that’s amazing. I think we work great together. But I know on my end, that I could never fully commit to you unless I have already healed and let go all of the fears and insecurities of the past. I truly do not know if a marital commitment will ever be possible with us because there is just so. much. pain. On both ends, it is just so much. And though our simple moments with each other are so perfect, when we look at each other, we are constantly reminded of who we used to be and the ways that we have hurt each other. I truly do not know. It would be amazing to look at you and not feel like every other girl is worth so much more than me. It would be amazing to not even bat an eye when a girl’s body is better than mine or feel enraged that you noticed her. It would be amazing that I would see myself beautiful when I am with you. It would be amazing to not feel like every question you ask me is as if you were interrogating me. So. many. things. I just wish I could erase it all. I pray that God would heal all of our pains, our worries, our fears. I miss my best friend so much. I wish that our relationship as friends would be the same as a possible relationship with each other.
I love you.
