#letmeprobeyourmind

[speak-clearly]

To You

I love you, I know I do.

It's not just because my shrink says so. She's real smart and all, has studied all her life to be able to tell me this for a godly amount per hour...but it's not because of her.

It's because everything seems more clear when I think of you, more in focus.

So many days spent feeling like I'm living behind a veil, vision blurred and sounds distorted, like I'm not really there. Here.

But then you enter this broken playground that is my mind and all of a sudden I am bombarded with the clarity and beauty of everything...even the horrible stuff.

And maybe that is what scares me the most, that this is what you do to me. Show me that I am actually alright, make me feel good about myself.

How dare you change the interior of the existence I have spent so many years building? This living room of self loathing and personal doubt. What right do you have to show me that I might be a good person?

But you do, and you keep on pointing it out, no matter how much I try to prove you wrong. You keep lifting that veil.

You make me want to create and that also scares the shit out of me. Because what if I fall short...or even worse, what if I succeed? Then who am I?

...and even though it pisses me off, I really like that about you.

So yeah, I love you. There. Period.

[speak-clearly]

In these halls of ruin

I have a room in my mind where I sometimes go, Just to get away from her, you know.

It's the only place I have where I can let anyone know what's wrong, how she spews her poison and picks at every fault I do, does everything she possibly can to show all my errors to you.

The way she keeps you hostage and forces you to decide between me and her all the time makes me so sick that I feel like my head is going to explode...and it leaves me powerless because I can't engage in it, won't be part of it.

I bow my head, nod and agree, just to be able to survive and make sure that you survive too. I need to play this game until you're old enough to decide for yourself, until you're old enough to see and understand. I need to wither away in my own life just so I can make sure you bloom in yours.

I know it is partly my own fault for not being more of a man, standing up, putting the foot down, what-fucking-ever. But I am what I am, and this is how I help destroy everything. I am caught in my own self-inflicted misery, I roam the halls of the hell I have created.

But I smile, because of you. So that you might not have to endure all of this, so that it might not have to weigh you down. And you will never know.

And that is why I sometimes go to my room in my mind. To have a place where I can lock myself in, scream and tear at everything.

I had no idea you could hear me in here...