Dearest Yvonne,
You know, I have been reading a lot of Asian Literature lately – Korean, Japanese, Indian, and more. One trend that I have noticed, and one that I personally relate to, is the dilemma between traditional values and Western ones. When you grow up reading, watching, and listening to Western books, movies and TV shows, and songs, you start to live a sort of parallel life.
Until I was 15 years old I genuinely believed that I would have a prom at school despite knowing full well that our schools here have no such concept. But it seemed so inconceivable to me to not have a prom because that’s literally one of the major rites of passage I associated with teen years and high school. This is just a silly little example but there are several tiny thoughts, preferences and beliefs like these that were so in contrast to my life here in India.
Another personal dilemma? Language. The first language I ever learned was English. It’s the language I am the most comfortable in and the language in which I think my thoughts. The second language I learned was Hindi. The third language I am learning now is Korean. Now, growing up a lot of stupid children at school made fun of me because I couldn’t speak Hindi as well as I could speak English. They accused me of having an accent and of not being from India. The more they teased me, the less Hindi I spoke. It started to become foreign to my tongue to a point that when I started to try speaking it again, I felt awkward and the words flowed in a very robotic, unnatural way.
Then, two years ago when I was in my final year of college and was trying to figure out the herculean task of what to do with my life after graduation, I saw a lot of YouTubers who were as interested as me in the Korean culture go to South Korea and teach English in school. I was like, yes! That’s it! That’s exactly what I am going to do. So, I do some research, I go to the official website of that program in South Korea and then my heart breaks because I am, as an Indian, not considered a native English speaker. Yes, I cried and perhaps threw a few things around in my room in my frustration. But honestly, it was more like heart break. So, basically the language I have been using since I learned to speak, the language that feels like home to my tongue, the one that I use to articulate my thoughts, my feelings, my existence basically…that’s never going to be considered mine?
You can bet that brought a lot of emotional turmoil and questioning of who I am and where I belong and what I should be. But the point is that the reason I hate questions like…describe yourself in a few words…is because I can’t. I can’t and don’t even want to try to fit myself into a one-dimensional, concrete, suffocating narrative. I don’t want some lousy adjectives to be all that I am because that’s a lie. I don’t want to have to choose one culture over the other. I don’t want the language I speak to limit me. See, this is the point where I am not able to clearly articulate myself because there’s so much emotional baggage on this one but what I am trying to say is that I have learned a few things about what home is…it’s not a person and it’s not a place. It’s a feeling. A feeling of comfort with myself. With who I am, where I am and how I am. And I am rarely ever home but even for the brief period that I am, it’s the best place to be.
But that, of course, is poetry. Home inevitably comes to also mean places and what I am realising after embracing so many cultures and values and meanings of home is that you don’t have to pick one. We are truly the lucky ones if we can call two places home. And sure, it won’t be physically possible to be at both at the same time but to go away from one place, that is home, and to arrive at another that feels like home too…that has to be the most beautiful thing right?
I lost my meaning of love too. A long, long time ago. And while time may heal and teach you a few things, it hasn’t found me my meaning of love yet. And I don’t think time will be the one to do that. I will have to. But until I do, I know my brain who just wants to protect me automatically associates pain and heartbreak with love. I know that isn’t right, that isn’t what love is. The Love Project is a way of me proving that to my brain. Hearing other people’s lives, beliefs, love history and values and experiences…I can provide it the factual evidence that it needs to deny the misconception that love is pain. I know that I can’t gain my meaning of love from that of others. And I’m not trying to do that anyway. I am first trying to get my brain on my side. And may be by going through other people’s answers and their love letters, you can also help your brain with that.
Work and love are two important things when mixed together can become very problematic and I know you already know that. About not falling in love with people who we are not meant to…I have only ever fallen in love with such people so I don’t even know what to tell you other than that I hope you can find clarity soon. Clarity is such an underrated thing in life. We focus on everything but it not realising that if we achieve that it makes most other things in life a piece of cake. I hope you find yours in time.
Good luck and loads of love,
Nikki
PS I would highly recommend the book Conversations with friends by Sally Rooney. Before I read that book, adultery, for me, was such a black or white thing. I was shocked at the way this book made me see and realise certain things.
PPS I would also recommend one of my all time favourite books – Love Virtually by Daniel Glattauer. It’s about two adults who randomly come across each other, two people who souldn’t, and it’s all written in the form of emails that they share. It’s actually a translated book and is originally in German. So, if you know German, wow. You should totally try it in the original text and if you do, do let me know what you think of it.
PPS Yes, I find a lot of my meaning, solace and understanding of the world and people from books and I like to share these pieces of clarity with those I think could make something out of it xxx
I wrote this letter for Yvonne based on some questions they answered. You can read the questions and their answers here.
Guys - I have received 29 people’s responses for The Love Project - 29 days of love letters. So I won’t be accepting anymore, however, you can read other letters here.
I may do this again later in the year and if you would want to receive a love letter from me then, you can drop in your email ID here xoxo
