Dearest Viv,
And there goes another month of this new decade. Time doesnāt fly, it seems to me. Rather it plays tricks on us. Itās like a naughty child. Out of no malicious intent it causes us such agony and will perhaps never even stop. And it isnāt always agony is it? A lot of the times itās just mere confusion or amusement. Ā To me, the last two months havenāt been bad or good. They have just been. What about you?
Reading your answers, and also being at the end of The Love Project, I think Iāve realised one thing about love. Nobody can ever love you 100% at 100% of the time. We humans just donāt work that way. We simply arenāt built that way. The moments I have felt absolutely loved have definitely seen a trend ā the people are usually my family and closest of friends. But then there have also been acquaintances, co-workers and strangers. However, I have never felt loved in the exact same way twice. Not by the exact same person, anyway. But that doesnāt matter because I am grateful for the love I have received and it makes me work towards loving myself too.
And as you described loveā¦ āBut with love you can be strong, weird, funny and sad at the same time. Itās like drowning in a complete save space.ā It is, isnāt it? The strongest I have ever been are for and with those that I love. The weakest I have ever been are with and because of those that I love. Iām weird with everyone but I can only be funny with those close to me. And sad. Gosh, I can only ever really be sad with those close to me. With others I am the personification of everything happy and light. Itās not pretending or a lie. Itās who I am, yes but itās not the only way I am.
Youāre also right about how most people donāt experience love at all. Thatās truly a sad thing. I would want to believe that everyone experiences love in some form at some point in their life because I canāt imagine human beings living this life without it, but what do I know? I canāt speak for others and I canāt use a blanket statement just to comfort myself.
You know, I always envied, still do, people who have cool grandparents who they are close with. Since I neither have cool grandparents nor those that care about me, I always felt this lack of some form of fundamental love. Iām sorry to hear that you lost your grandmother but it does make me happy to know that you shared such a beautiful relationship with her. And youāll always have that. It wonāt be the same, of course, but youāll always have something so beautiful to hold on to.
I have never been to a musical but I looked up āNext to Normalā and it definitely sounds interesting! Intense, too. I donāt remember the last time I went to a party. I think it was in 2018 and it was a work one. The music was too loud, the guys were too pushy and the food was alright. I believe I was the first one to leave that night. I would like to have a party, a house party, with the best food, the best wine and my best people. But for that I will need them to be in the same city and I am still looking for the best wine out there! So I think that will take some time. I do hope though that you keep going to awesome parties where you continue being the last one to leave because youāre having that much fun!
What do you like about parties anyway? Is it the people or the alcohol or the dancing or is there a primary element of partying that I am missing out on? I am so tempted to queue in the whole thing about how I am that person who would rather be at home with a good book and Chinese takeout than go to a party but I wonāt. Lol, sorry, I see I already have! I think for me, I just havenāt ever been to the right party with the right people. And I am 23. Am I missing out on something major?
When I read that youāre 21, in my head I went like āsameeeeeā but of course thatās factually incorrect. I turned 23 last year though I feel stuck at 21, the year I got done with college and started working. Life ever since after that has been a ride that I canāt quite get a grip on. I laugh it off with my friends and we label it as the woes of āadultingā but when Iām alone it scares me to think that the best years of my life are gone. Now thereās just being a corporate slave, a target of capitalism and living a sad life where I am never enough. I apologise if this letter has a melancholic tone to it. I just wanted to be myself as I wrote it and not fabricate something inauthentic.
I hope your life, and adulting, is more fun at least! I mean everything can be written off as okay as long as you had fun while doing it. So, letās raise our glasses filled with whatever we love to drink ā Iām not one for alcohol so Iāll pick iced coffee ā and clink them to our roaring twenties. Let them be fun and rememberable!
Lots of love and hope, Nikki
I wrote this letter for Viv based on some questions they answered. You can read the questions and their answers here.
Guys - I have received 29 peopleās responses for The Love Project - 29 days of love letters. So I wonāt be accepting anymore, however, you can read other letters here.
I may do this again later in the year and if you would want to receive a love letter from me then, you can drop in your email ID here xoxo
