So much should've been said in the past one week but it wasn't. It was quiet, it was work, it was self review that one time I've to judge myself from a corporate point of view, tell people what I've done and where I've lacked. Everything is a haze. I am in constant turmoil.
And there is you, looking at your face every now and then calms me down. I feel these days that you know how I feel, and you smile at me thinking I'll look at your photograph. I do. Your smile is lovely. You being in the photograph, fades everybody away. I do only see you.
I am in Mumbai right now and there is so much thc in my blood. I made hash brownies the other day and I got super high, like I was remembering my past, how it had been for me living in Palwal all those years ago, our family dynamics, my father's protectiveness for me as his first born daughter; two separate interpretations of movie Annihilation, more discussion about Piyush and our relationship.
You know I asked him to read about the article about women these days not having libido for man with man-child characteristics, I must have rattled him or something, I seriously can't tell. But it's true, his lousiness or dumbness about life and not really knowing what to do, puts me off. Makes my vagina go dry. I do masturbate on occasion but when he approaches, my mind is like "c'mon, do your little book reading or sth, and leave these things to me". In bed, he has seldom idea what he is doing. A big turn off. I wish he reads the article and realises what he is supposed to be doing. You can't make people attain common sense.
Anyway, I feel I carry this big ball of sadness and on occasion when I let myself have fun, it's amazing. Talking when high, on this night, was cathartic. Like I was moving from one painting to the other. In the first one, I was a person outside my body, no one cares what I do and do not. Hell! they don't understand even if I explain things, may be they can't hear me, so what's the point of it, you know.
It made me realise, I gotta do a bunch of things in my life and that needs no one's approval. After this realisation, feminist in me also thought how wives keep looking at their husbands/fathers to see them, listen to them and give them permissions to do things that they want - the whole patriarchal shebang.
I can't shake the feeling of being rejected by everyone in some way, you know my grandmother cried the day I was born because she wanted a grandson. I imagine what my father would've said to her - he would've fought with her and called her a fool for not liking his baby daughter. I feel so loved by him at every step of the way. I have a strong imagination but I know his love is pure and real. Fathers and daughters. I did cry a lot today, missed him and wondering what he is doing right now. He is getting old, and yet very cute and full of life.
I felt that I can be my own person. I also thought about becoming a farmer. I was so desperate to get out of that small town and start a life in the city where I wouldn't be inferior in everyone's opinion. I've felt inferior to others quite a few times in my life, all those days when I was not earning. It became a different journey when I started earning. Now I feel farming is a good way to survive and give back to the earth. I'll compost and use solar energy for most of my needs. I need to find a place where I can buy a piece of land and build a house. A place where temperatures are not extreme and it has plenty of water.
I thought about different things after that, like unsafe spaces for women, train journeys specially when Piyush mentioned how much he likes to sleep to train sounds, I told him it was fun until the time I was groped, molested or inappropriately touched on a train. I was always on guard after that and never enjoyed train rides. It was whole of Palwal where I felt unsafe and all of us wanted to get out of there. I told him about this boy who lived in the same colony as me - Aashu. He was autistic, his family treated him like an animal, or a servant whenever they felt like. They didn't send him to a proper school. I felt really bad for him, I wanted to curse his family. I used to say hello to him every time I came across to him. He seemed very kind and always smiled at me. His younger brother was evil, I always wanted to slap him. He evangelised my brother into a nasty teenager. I really hated him.
You must be thinking that I am so full of myself, judging everybody, making my own world and playing a character whenever I feel like. I even write letters to myself, once a year on my birthday. It's a ritual that I started when I turned 21. I read previous year's letter and write a new one to the next year me. I stopped in between, I lost sense of self in between, I am getting all that back now. May be that's why I am talking so much about myself today.
I love writing to you and I love you, I hope you know that even I am talking about myself.
