Thank you for breaking my heart.
I realize I haven’t written about you in a while. About your scent, about your laugh, or your crooked smile. Its been almost 9 months. I am almost through my metaphorical rebirthing of some sort. I still miss you a little. But not the way I used to before. I still love you a little, but not the way I did before. I still think of you a little, but not as much as I use to before. Sometimes on the drive home, my mind likes to wander and wonder what you may be up to, how life is running for you, if you’re happy, if you’re troubles have left you. I hope they have. Sometimes I wonder if you’re always working to make yourself a better person or not. I know I am, every day re assessing what I can do to add a little more goodness in this world. I can thank you for that. Because after you told me to leave, I realized I was a bad person, still bad. I thought I had grown but I hadn’t, still haven’t. I sometimes get dressed in the morning wondering if you’re still sleeping or not. Maybe you’re already eating breakfast or on your way home even. Maybe from a long morning at work, or a long night out. Sometimes I hate you a little, for giving up on me so effortlessly, but then I realize you were right, I wasn’t worth fighting for. I was not a good person. Then sometimes I hate me a little, for hurting you the way I did. And then I get upset, because you hate me too. Silly isn’t it? How easily you have erased me out of your world, and forgotten what we had. Yet here I am, I am living, I am happy, and I am progressing, but I still think of you once a day. Some days I forget and those days I am thankful for. I am glad to say I have forgotten about your scent, how it use to linger in my mind weeks, months after you had last seen me. Its gone, no matter how much I want to I cannot recall it. And that gives me an extra reason to smile.
I realize now though, that I have loved you with every fibre of my being. Every essence of my soul, and I am sorry for that. I suffocated your beauty. But you also trampled on mine (granted it was miniscule). I realize that I may never stop loving you. But I have learned that I can in fact love again. When I’m ready; and that isn’t defined by when you leave my heart. It is defined by my ability to always keep me and my basic priorities intact and in place, while loving someone who can fit in to that aura perfectly, without me having to rearrange him in to the centre. My problem was, I loved you too much, and for that I lost you. This time I have learned I need to learn to love myself first. Love my God. My values, my religions, and when all that is glued in place securely, I can love again, knowing that my love will be incapable of moving the things that make me who I am. I will be ready to love again, when I learn to add him to my values but not devalue anything in the process. I have found the most captivating spiritual cleansing since you left, or I left (whichever you prefer). And for that I thank you, for being the most beautiful calamity in my life. For if you never broke my heart, the umpteen times that you did, I never would have found me, my centre, my essence, my God.
I still love you, and now, that’s perfectly okay with me.