#saaniaayy

[saaniaayy]

The one who got away

                 We all have that one person who slipped through the spaces between our fingers, despite the vein popping grasp that we held on with. We've all had those nights shattered, broken, bleeding knees, begging, crying, dreaming of one more shot at it. One more chance to make it work, To once more hold them, and take back the nasty words that were thrown back and forth, the words that broke our hearts, and shielded them with stones, the words that changed everything. Most of the time that's where the story ends for all of us. The one who got away is almost always the one you will never see again. 

            Sometimes however, just sometimes; something happens and it's like a flicker of hope from a moment's wish, that has somehow miraculously come true. Sometimes, the one who got away comes back. Sometimes he says he loves you too. Sometimes he'll say he wants you too. Sometimes, HE'LL pine for YOU. But sometimes, just sometimes it's too late. 

            Not every wish that was answered should have been. Sometimes the second shot at it all, is just for you to understand and internalize the end, and accept it. Maybe it's just a way for you to accept that it's not what was meant for you. Maybe it's a second shot at closure. But now you have a chance to wipe out all the "what ifs".

#SomethingToThinkAbout

[saaniaayy]

Do Good and Good Will Be Done Unto You.

Do good and good will be done unto you. I get that part of it. Pretty plain and simple right? Be good and good things will happen. But what seems to smack me right across the center of my brain every time, is the fact that it doesn't prove to be true. I witness time and time again, horrible people. Mean and vicious people, selfish people, sneaky people, petty people, make it out alive and happy every single time. Take a clean dive and come up rejuvenated without any signs of scars. I've seen people treat other people like trash, like nobody's, and they get the utmost respect. I've seen people purposely leave people behind, and they are always included. I've seen people go out of there way to make someone else's day uncomfortable, and miserable, and they hold such graceful peaceful lifestyles. I've seen people time and time again, do things out of love and respect, and have gotten abandonment in return. Good things don't happen to good people. The way I see it, Good things happen to people who snatch the good things at the right time, whether it is morally correct or not. 

             And I believe that is the ultimate test. Because we are quick on our self-responses. "He didn't do it, why should I?" - "They didn't even ask me to go with them" - "Nobody goes out of there way for MY happiness, why should I"? That is the barrier between humble and horrible. (apologies for the terrible vocab) I feel as if, the day the good people stop trying because the bad or selfish people never have, will be the end of humanity. I know you don't get anything in return for your simple acts of love. Believe me, even if nobody else appreciates it, God is watching, and he appreciates the love you hold for his creation. Release this sense of pride, and do good. Do good, if not for them, if not for you, do it for your Lord. He is watching, and I promise you He appreciates you. 

      Time and time again, I've been discouraged. From doing the little things, from helping strangers, and even from the actions of certain people. That make you want to stop. Sometimes the reactions or actions of our loved ones hurt us in a way that discourages us from showing further care. That is our test also. What are we willing to do for the greater good of our brothers and sisters (the human race)? Absolutely nothing. Because there is too much to lose and too little to gain.

      I say, do good anyway. Don't do it for other people for the appraisal, don't even do it for yourself. Do it for your Lord, for the greater good of His creation. Don't kill yourself over this. But it doesn't hurt to take food to someone, volunteering, giving,  caring, smiling, watching your tone when you're ready to explode, forgiving, loving, and appreciating. Because eventually the little bit of goodness in other people will fade if they see no good in anyone. Bring out the good in others, by sustaining the good in you. 

      Bring out the good in everyone by doing the little things. 

[saaniaayy]

Thank you for breaking my heart.

                 I realize I haven’t written about you in a while. About your scent, about your laugh, or your crooked smile. Its been almost 9 months. I am almost through my metaphorical rebirthing of some sort. I still miss you a little. But not the way I used to before. I still love you a little, but not the way I did before. I still think of you a little, but not as much as I use to before. Sometimes on the drive home, my mind likes to wander and wonder what you may be up to, how life is running for you, if you’re happy, if you’re troubles have left you. I hope they have. Sometimes I wonder if you’re always working to make yourself a better person or not. I know I am, every day re assessing what I can do to add a little more goodness in this world. I can thank you for that. Because after you told me to leave, I realized I was a bad person, still bad. I thought I had grown but I hadn’t, still haven’t. I sometimes get dressed in the morning wondering if you’re still sleeping or not. Maybe you’re already eating breakfast or on your way home even. Maybe from a long morning at work, or a long night out. Sometimes I hate you a little, for giving up on me so effortlessly, but then I realize you were right, I wasn’t worth fighting for. I was not a good person. Then sometimes I hate me a little, for hurting you the way I did. And then I get upset, because you hate me too. Silly isn’t it? How easily you have erased me out of your world, and forgotten what we had. Yet here I am, I am living, I am happy, and I am progressing, but I still think of you once a day. Some days I forget and those days I am thankful for. I am glad to say I have forgotten about your scent, how it use to linger in my mind weeks, months after you had last seen me. Its gone, no matter how much I want to I cannot recall it. And that gives me an extra reason to smile.

             I realize now though, that I have loved you with every fibre of my being. Every essence of my soul, and I am sorry for that. I suffocated your beauty. But you also trampled on mine (granted it was miniscule). I realize that I may never stop loving you. But I have learned that I can in fact love again. When I’m ready; and that isn’t defined by when you leave my heart. It is defined by my ability to always keep me and my basic priorities intact and in place, while loving someone who can fit in to that aura perfectly, without me having to rearrange him in to the centre. My problem was, I loved you too much, and for that I lost you. This time I have learned I need to learn to love myself first. Love my God. My values, my religions, and when all that is glued in place securely, I can love again, knowing that my love will be incapable of moving the things that make me who I am. I will be ready to love again, when I learn to add him to my values but not devalue anything in the process. I have found the most captivating spiritual cleansing since you left, or I left (whichever you prefer). And for that I thank you, for being the most beautiful calamity in my life. For if you never broke my heart, the umpteen times that you did, I never would have found me, my centre, my essence, my God.

       I still love you, and now, that’s perfectly okay with me. 

[saaniaayy]

I find it hard to believe that there is good in everyone. I find it hard to believe that there aren't a handful of people that are BAD. People that lie, people that hurt, people that steal, people that kill, people that break hearts and trample on them on their way out. I find it hard to believe that any of those people are good people. They can be bad people, with a little bit of a moderate sense of morality. But I can't fathom the thought of them being good. There are bad people out there. Just as much as there are good. But the worst part is, it's impossible to tell which is which.

[saaniaayy]

Thank You Love

I went through my old blogs from this time last year. And it showed me that I wasn't happy with you ever. Whether that was me being ungrateful or not seeing in you that I see now. I was just never happy with you. I knew this wasn't going to last. I guess it just hurt because I thought we'd last a LITTLE longer. But whatever happened, happened for the best. Because I'm doing good, I'm doing great. And I know sometimes I forget why I ever left you, but when I remember it is the most exhilerating feeling ever. I'm very happy with my decision, and if I had the chance to, I wouldn't change a thing. Because when you broke me, I put myself back together in an entirely new way. In a way that I didn't even know was possible. So I want to thank you for introducing this new me to me. And I want to thank you for breaking me a little more than I already was, because it has prepared me to break a little less for future heartbreak. I like my walls, the fact that they're higher than before, makes me comfortable. I can hold back lumps in my throat, I can stick my heart in the corners of my chest and move forward now. Thank You. 

               If I had the chance to leave you again, or stay. I would leave exactly the way I did before, because that's what brought me to this little ray of sunshine I'm in now. 

               I still love you, and most likely always will, but I  understand that it wasn't meant to be. If it was you will learn to love me again one day, maybe years and miles from today. If not, I'll find someone that can love me better than me, and you will too. 

                     Goodbye love, thank you 

[saaniaayy]

Addictive Heartbreak

I wasn`t even hurt or really missing him that much, I just wanted him to hurt me again. Say something that would crush my heart. It was as if I was asking for that emotional numbing where I standstill in a crowd and literally feel my heart drop to the pits of my stomach. I didn`t need him, I didn`t even want him to be honest. But I kept typing, Kept talking, Kept telling him how much he meant to me. And all of that was true, I did love him, I just exaggerated the misery part. I didn`t shed a tear, but I felt the sting again, just for a moment. And that moment was enough for me to write to my heart`s content. It`s twisted I know, but it`s like I thrive on heartbreak to write. It`s my drug. But now I need a new one, because I`ve finally become immune to this one. All I really needed was to know for sure, that he was never going to think about me again, in order for me to do the same. Who knew some harsh words is all I needed to flush him out. But he left a nice enough scar for me to write with for the rest of my life. 

[saaniaayy]

If You and I Were Like the Movies

Sometimes I really wish life were like the movies. Where I run to your house at 5pm on a Sunday afternoon, find you home alone, and spill my heart out to you. Despite all the back and forths we've had, I want to hold your hand and tell you how beautiful you are: Inside and Out. I want to tell you that I'm sorry for never appreciating the prince charming that you were, and for always hurdling my burden on you. For throwing things at you, when I know you had your own load to carry. I'm sorry for ever making you feel like any less than you ever were worth. You are the world for me, your crooked smile, your feathered hair, your round nose, your hands, your neck, your blemishes, your laugh, your quirky-ness. All of it. All of you was always perfect, I just never stopped to appreciate what I had. I wish I could just spend a whole night telling you how much you mean to me, and how much you deserve in life. 

                And I guess, I guess that's why I lost you. Because despite all our ups and downs, you always deserved better than me. You deserved someone that didn't try to consistently change you, someone who didn't suck the life out of you, every time you got a chance to shine that perfect crooked smile. Someone you carried you sometimes rather than always have you carrying me. Someone who held your hand all throughout, rather than your neck. Haha I guess we both got exactly what we deserved in the end. 

                 I lost the best thing that ever happened to me, and you lost the worst. 

                But unfortunately life isn't like the movies. In real life, you wouldn't care to listen. and I know I would never be able to say all this to your face, knowing that you have no room left in your heart for me. In real life, I don't have the courage, and you don't have the time, or any interest for that matter. In real life I screwed up, and that's that. In real life I messed up, and for that I lost. 

[saaniaayy]

Loving You is All I know

I've loved and I've lost, and it's nobody's fault but mine. And I never thought  I would be like this. I never thought I couldn't go a day without thinking about you, I never thought I'd think about you every idle moment my brain has. I was wrong. But I guess that's my punishment right? 

               Today I was sitting in class and I was thinking about you all day so much, that I could literally smell you. It's crazy, but it was your scent. And I moved, and I shifted, and I sniffed away, but it didn't go away. It's like you're ingrained in me. I wish I could erase you, I wish I could remove you from every active memory. I wish I could delete you from my mental archives. 

               And every time I walk past him, I walk taller. But it kills me inside because now, even HE reminds me of you. How you pretended to act like you were ready to take action. And it sounds ridiculous, but I would rather remember the worst moment of my life, than miss you. It hurts me more to miss you, than remember things I worked 8 years to forget. My chest literally gets hallow, and I can feel my heart sink to my core, as if it holds no purpose to be up there anymore. So it slouches, and hides away in the pit of my stomach, all broken and bruised. And maybe one day the acid from my insides will bruise it enough to erase the layer that you're on. And maybe on a day like that, I will be able to put it back in it's place. 

               I hate everything about you, but I love you. It's twisted I know, but that's the best way I can explain what I feel. I pray every night for God to erase you from my mind, thoughts, memories, and then I ask him to bring you back to me. It's twisted and makes no sense but that's what you do to me. I can't seem to make sense of anything in myself. 

                I'm crazy, and I'm weird, and I'm psychotic, and unreasonable, and selfish, and demanding, and bossy, and controlling, and I never had any regards for how you felt. I was always so focused on what you did wrong, and how you did ME wrong. A part of me wishes I could take it all back, the fights, the time, the year, maybe start over with what I know now. But then I think, I never would have learned of my own faults if any of this never happened. You got the worst of me, even though you deserved the best of it all. 

               So I go on every single day, working on making myself a better person. Pulling through, dragging every day hoping one night I'll get a text message or a call: and it'll say something like: "I love you, and I miss you. And I couldn't stop thinking of you too". And I really shouldn't be, because every day that goes by without you feels like another day in hell. And I wish I could take back my words, and my harshness. But the best I can do for now is change. 

               But I know, God is will NOT let me wither in to nothingness. I know He's got a plan for me. I know he's watching. I know He see's it when my heart sinks an inch lower every time. And I know my patience won't go to waste. I know He's got something good. Whatever form it's in, whatever face it has, I know He will make me happy again. One day. 

         But until then: loving you is all I know. And loving you is all I will do, until I forget how.