#licityvibes

[licityvibes]

୫ Thread The Needle ୫

୫ Author: licityvibes ୫ Pairing: soldier! Choi San x soldier! female reader ୫ Word count: 17k ୫ Warnings: cursing, suggestive, brief mention of death, mention of war

Thread the needle = To manage to find harmony or strike a balance between conflicting forces 

୫ Summary: You joined the training camp searching for meaning, hoping it would change your view of a world that felt empty without a family. What you didn’t expect was how much it would change you, not through the brutal physical training, but through the man you first saw as a strict, unapproachable sergeant.

But the more you saw of him, the more you realized he wasn’t what he seemed—his toughness hid something deeper. Could this man, who made you feel both challenged and desired, completely turn your world upside down?

Or would his constant focus on your mistakes push you to leave everything behind?

୫ A/N: Hey there! Long time no see. This is my comeback or what as a new person (just kidding, but the concert did change some things in me lmao) So this is a San military oneshot that started as a drabble...I wanted to write something on this theme a long time ago I just haven't had the motivation and it felt so good to finally write something in ages...I hope I won't lose the motivation and write more because this one felt so good I just couldn't stop writing and this is my longest oneshot ever lol. So I hope you enjoy, sure there will be mistakes, I am still learning. Okay, I think that is all, have fun or what, byee!!

Left-right heartbeat left-right heartbeat left-right

            All I could hear were those two words as my right leg followed my left. My mind was blank; all I could focus on was not stumbling, ensuring I didn’t break the perfect synchrony of our steps. I tried to steady my breathing, willing my racing heart to slow down. Around me, my teammates wore the same serious expressions—dying inside, each of us dreading what awaited us.

We were marching in two abreast, straight into a battle that was full of blood mixed with gunpowder. My eyes narrowed to the leader of our line. He was next to me, determined to win the battle we had a slight chance to win. His face from the left side looked sharp, his jaw clenched as he held the gun close to him. Somehow, he sensed I was watching him and he slightly tilted his head to his left and our eyes met. It whispered determination mixed with something sour like we might not see each other again. 

As we arrived closer to the woods, it echoed screams and gunshots over and over like it couldn't be stopped. I held my gun stronger, my fingers ready to shoot the enemy down without a thought. I had nothing to lose.

In the end, this was why I was here. This was the reason I had volunteered to become a soldier.

It was spring, the world was covered in blooming, colorful flowers, spreading hope all around the world after the neverending, cold winter.

The world was blooming with hope...but mine? Mine was burning down with hatred I felt towards it. There was nothing left for me that could bloom anymore. My heart was already burnt down to ashes, everything was just too much and this was my whole life. I don't even know how could I keep up for twenty years. I had no one, I was an orphan, I wasn't the best kid on Earth, and no one truly loved me. I felt like I was cursed like I didn't deserve happiness all over again. It hurt, but I just somehow got used to the fact I wasn't meant to be happy.

So, with the thought that I had nothing to lose, I volunteered for a training camp—one where only those strong enough, both mentally and physically, could earn the right to serve in our country’s army.

I had always believed it was a noble thing to serve your hometown, to protect the people who loved you. But in my case, there was no one to protect except myself. And that was the only thing that kept me going. 

On my first day, everything felt odd, everything felt new. It was a different environment than what I had ever known. Rules were the most important things to keep and there were a lot of them. These strict rules made the newcomers get used to the life of a soldier. We got up at 5 a.m., we had ten minutes to get ready and go out to the field where we needed to run for half an hour. After that without a break, we had to do many push-ups, squats, and sit-ups.

It was cruel, especially when this was our first day. I felt like I could pass out at any time. I already saw black spots as I did the sit-ups on the ground. But I knew what I applied for, I trained over a year to get in shape and to live a healthy life before I signed up for the training camp. Even though I could say I was a fit woman, this was too much for my body all of a sudden. I needed just one second and rested my head on the ground to breathe. It was just one second, but suddenly an angry head appeared in my sight, huge shoulders covering the sun that was about to rise.

"No stopping! Only when I say!" The soldier who led the morning training shouted to my face, as if was the end of the world I stopped for one second.

I didn't say anything just continued doing the sit-ups, as we switched to making push-ups again.

"If you stop, you have nothing to do here! You didn't come here to rest, you came here to fight, to be stronger!" The man walked in front of us spitting these wise words into our faces. His voice was sharp and powerful as he shouted.

The girl next to me suddenly weakened and she fell on the floor, power leaving her body. "I said, no stopping!" He appeared again in front of us with a sharp glare.

"Excuse me, sir, I have no more strength." The girl was kneeling in front of him, not even daring to look into his sharp eyes.

"I don't care, you do it until you collapse! Get up and do squats!" He yelled as he looked down at the weak girl in front of him.

I narrowed my eyes at the girl as I switched to doing squats. I was on the verge of my power as well, I could imagine what the girl felt. Then my eyes landed on the sergeant.

"Eyes ahead! Not looking at others or me!" He shouted as he stepped in front of me again—of course, he had to notice as my eyes ran over him for one second. I just couldn't do anything, because he always just appeared there. I rolled my eyes unintentionally at the thought.

"Twenty-four! Attention!" He yelled.

"Yes, sir!" I stood like a stake. I was in trouble.

"Is there any problem?" He stood in front of me, his sharp eyes glaring straight into my soul. His hands were interlocked behind his back, his big chest pushed forward, his wide shoulders covering my view as his face was inches away from mine. He was wearing a black tank top, that was glued to his perfectly muscled body, a metal necklace that all of the official soldiers were wearing hung from his neck, on his big chest, his shoulders were double sized of his lean waist. Dark green pants were tucked into his lighter green boots.  

"No, sir!" I answered as I kept the eye contact confidently.

"Then why did you just roll your eyes at me?" He yelled straight into my face; his spit landing on my cheeks.

There was no point in denying it. "Just remembered something, sir!"

The sergeant chuckled but nothing was funny in this situation. I felt as if the other's eyes averted on us too. He looked around sensing it too. "I said no looking around, mind your own business!" He yelled to the others, meanwhile, my eyes averted to his uniform where his metal name tag was hanging.

Sergeant Choi San was written on the tag and a lot of medals were shining on his uniform.

 "Here is the first lesson you need to understand, Twenty-four!" He grabbed my jaw and lifted my head so I could look into his eyes. "There's no space for any kind of thoughts if you are here! You need to be here mentally and not in other places." His fingers tightened around my jaw, almost breaking the bone. It hurt as hell.

"Understood, sir!" Tears started to well up in my eyes from the pain, unintentionally. I didn't want to seem weak.

"Perfect!" He released my jaw. "Plus fifteen minutes run after the training is over for Twenty-four as a punishment!" He shouted out so the others would hear it as well. I felt embarrassed at that moment and my heart was racing from the hatred I felt towards this man.

"Don't just look at me, do the exercises and when everyone finishes, you run for another ten minutes! Chop-chop!" He clapped with a satisfied smile like he enjoyed watching others suffering.

I just glared at him. "Yes, sir!" I smiled at him, as I started to do the push-ups again.

He just won't make it more miserable here by suddenly watching every mistake I make so he can punish me.

When everyone finished up with the morning exercises, they were allowed to wash up and go to eat breakfast. Except for me, because I needed to run for fifteen more minutes. I was out of breath after all the push-ups and squats, my body was trembling, but I had to do this.

"Hey, fighting! I will wait for you at breakfast." Yunho ran to me as he placed his right hand on my shoulder. He was one of my roommates and he was the only one I talked to. It wasn't because I wanted to, he just came next to me and started talking about how he misses his little dog, Mungi—or Mangi, I don't remember, honestly.

He was a little annoying at first but then I just realized he was a sweet and happy person, and I thought it didn't harm if I could talk to someone in this mentally and physically exhausting place.

I nodded at him "Thank you, see you there!" I said as I turned towards the running field.  

I saw the Sergeant still standing behind talking to someone as he glanced at me. I was still breathing fast as I walked to the field, tried to get myself together in two seconds, and then started running. All of this because of an eye-roll? Are you kidding me? Was this Choi San this sensitive? Did it hurt his ego? I was hoping so.

As I was running, I was thinking about, how I wanted to show this asshole, who knew better than anyone, that I was strong enough to be here. So, I just needed to swallow the bitter pill and just show him what I was capable of.   

After training all day, going through some obstacle courses, and eating in between, later that evening we all gathered up in the canteen and were standing with straight shoulders. Five soldiers with different kinds of medals on their uniforms were standing in front of us, Sergeant Choi San included, with hands behind their backs.

"Attention!" One of them with blonde hair shouted. We all strengthened and looked forward. "At ease!" The blonde one said, now with a calmer tone. Then all of us were standing straddle-legged with our hands behind our backs.

"My name is Kim Hongjoong and I am the leader of this training camp. We gathered here so we could discuss some important things." He said with a powerful voice. "Today was difficult, you trained all day long. We know it was deep water for all of you, but it had a purpose." The blonde soldier glared at us with sharp eyes. "Today, half of you is going home!"

Silence followed his announcement. Everyone looked at the other in shock. Yunho next to me looked at me with wide eyes as I looked back at him not understanding what was happening. Were they serious? There were almost fifty people here, who wanted to be a soldier, they applied because of this. And now they want to send us home? It was not fair at all.

"This day was a test!" The blonde kept going. "We watched every single one of you throughout the day. Your skills, your strength, your want to be here, to keep going." He tried to look into the eyes of everyone one by one as he said. "Some of you were fighting with all of your strength and we do appreciate it because if you stay it is going to be hell, it is going to be cruel and more difficult, we do appreciate that you at least tried. But some of you thought it was just a joke like you came here thinking it was fun trying it. If you came here, you need to be serious, you have to be here with both your head and heart. It's not a game; this is the real life! I don't want someone who does not deserve to be here!" He walked in front of us, his voice getting higher and higher.

My heart started to beat faster and faster as I thought about the incident with Choi San in the morning. What if he said something to the Lieutenant? I thought it could be the end of my only purpose in my life.

"Whoever I say comes next to me!" Choi San shouted then. Was he going to say those who needed to go home?

"Five! Twelve! Eight! Twenty-six! Forty-one! Twenty-four!" He shouted the numbers loud, and when I heard my number, I just knew it was the end, it was all because of what happened in the morning and I just wanted to scream at myself for not knowing how to stay unbothered in situations…

I just walked there with my head held low, looking at the white floor of the canteen. I needed to hold back my emotions that suddenly drowned me. As I walked next to the Sergeant, I turned toward the other people who were standing in front of us. My eyes met with Yunho, whose eyes were whispering empathy towards me, he sincerely seemed sad that I was going to go home.

"These numbers…" Choi San started "Are the members of my team!" He announced as he glanced next to him where I was standing, then to the others. Our eyes met as I was in shock. I was prepared to go home—that is a lie, I would've cursed this man to the ground if he dared to send me home—No but honestly, okay I stayed, thank God, but why did he choose me, in his team, even though he definitely had some problems with my presence.

"I choose the members of my team based on what I saw in them. I saw determination, they wanted to show what they were capable of and because they still needed to learn how to believe in themselves!" He then turned towards us. "Welcome to the Echo team!" He saluted as we quickly did the same and shouted "Thank you, sir!" together.

Then he turned with a slightly visible smile on his face—which was unbelievable—and then the other three Sergeants chose the members of their group.

While the selection was continuing, I looked at my teammates and tried to listen to their quiet small talk next to me as they guessed who was going to go home. There were four boys and one more girl on our team. They seemed like they knew each other, probably they talked the day before, just as normal people would do.

I wasn't that type, I just hated getting to know new people, and based on my life story in which I wasn't that lucky in making friends, I just couldn't get the energy to do the same. In the end, they all are going to walk out of my life.

But there was a boy in our team who was just as quiet as me, he was standing right next to me and listened to the others, observing the team and what was happening in the canteen. He noticed I was watching him so he smiled shyly.

"Hi, my name is Jongho!" He said quietly as he reached his hand towards me to shake it.

"Y/n, nice to meet you!” I smiled at him slightly as I shook his hand. He seemed nice and not annoying like the others on my team. I just hated people, especially the ones who talked too much, Jongho seemed honest and I could imagine that we could be friends in the future.

"Are you—" Jongho started but the soldier in front of us turned.

"Enough of talking, quiet!" He looked at us first with a sharp glare, then at the others, who were louder than us, yet he looked at us first. He turned back and that was when I noticed a tattoo on the sergeant’s back. On his left shoulder, there was writing ‘Sierra’, in bold letters. I wondered who Sierra was.

 I just sighed as I tried to prepare myself for the next four weeks, where he was going to be my boss, telling me what to do, watching every bad step I was going to make, so he could shout at me.

All of the leaders chose the members of their team, then twenty-four people looked at us sadly in front of us, who remained unchosen. The girl who barely collapsed in the morning next to me, was there too, with a sad but understanding expression. Some were angry, saying it was unfair and they didn't know it was a test.

No one knew it, fair or unfair, the Sergeants made their decision and the teams were made; Team Ekko, Team Zed, Team Terra, and Team Sierra. The ones who were eliminated went to pack, I looked around the canteen searching for Yunho, our eyes met and he waved at me happily jumping a little. He was in team Terra and their leader seemed like he stepped out straight from a Top Gun movie, he was tall, with silver rings and necklaces, and a black sunglass was sitting on his tall nose, even though we were inside. It looked like Yunho was glad he was in this Top Gun guy's team.

I wasn't sure about my leader though. I wasn't blind he looked handsome as hell, but not everything was about looks. And besides I didn't come here to play Tinder, it was a left and right game but with our feet as we marched towards the battle of our lives. 

The week went the same way as that day, morning training then breakfast, training again, on the field or outside of the base. I could still barely do the exercises, even though we did it every day, my body was aching and trembling from the sudden impact it got from the exercises, but I kept going, the urge to prove that I was capable of anything made my body work.

In the middle of the week after a quick breakfast, our team separated from the others and got into an armored car. We were fully armored, our camouflaged uniforms matching with the dark green car that was still going on the bumpy road. I held the strange weapon in my hand, grabbing it stronger, I started to get nervous because I didn't know where we were heading or what was today's exercise. I was sitting next to Jongho, as we talked a little on the way out, guessing what we were going to do. I guessed it was some field exercise, and Jongho guessed it was some shooting exercise. The boy seemed sincere and I was glad I had someone to talk to in my team who appeared to be normal, not like the other guy, who had a big mouth and couldn't just shut up, his name was Wooyoung as it turned out. He was going to be a sure problem.

Then the car suddenly stopped and we needed to jump out of it quickly. I looked around quickly, taking in my surroundings. We were on a big field, there was a forest behind us and in front of us a clearing that was full of hills, rocks, and a lot of trees. I saw some target boards far away from us. So Jongho was right, it is going to be target shooting. My first time shooting with a weapon. And I hoped not the last one.

"Attention!" Choi Sergeant shouted suddenly, as we quickly strengthened. "At ease!" Hands behind our backs, straddle standing. I slowly got used to the things we could say and the things we needed to do.

"Today's lesson is going to be target shooting! You have to be very careful because these are real weapons and real bullets, you can't make mistakes here!" He pointed at us with a serious face.

My eyes narrowed to the dark green targets, that were barely visible in the green field. How are we going to shoot those down?

"Understood Twenty-four?" The Sergeant appeared in front of me, as he shouted. He was so annoying.

"Understood, sir!" I shouted back.

"It's not sir, it's Captain!" This guy was a joke.

"Yes, Captain!" I would've rolled my eyes at this, but I learned my lesson the other day.

After he explained the process of how to change ammunition and how to secure the weapon, we went a little closer to a little hill and we needed to shoot from there. I laid down on the ground on my stomach as Captain said. After repeating what we learned it was time to shoot.

 This was the real deal now and all my focus was on the target that was a hundred meters away from us, we had six bullets to take three down. My first shot was a mistake, but this was my first-ever bullet. The second was a hit just as the others. It was as easy as cooking.

"Great," Captain shouted. "Now the next target! It's a standing battle-person silhouette, you have to immobilize the target but not kill it! Hands and legs are the target! You have one shot!"

"Just one? We are just learning to shoot, Captain!" Wooyoung, the big mouth said. He was in a problem.

"Shut up, Twenty-six! I didn't ask your opinion, now shoot or leave!" He shouted as he was standing above him.

I closed my eyes and breathed deeply and as I opened my eyes my focus was straight on the right leg of the silhouette and without a thought, I shat the bullet right into where I wanted. I was seriously surprised it was a hit.

"Good job, Twenty-four!" I heard a voice coming from beside me as I looked up at the man, the sun beaming in the sky right into my eyes as he looked down at me. He looked like an angel with a glory.

"Thank you, Captain!" I said back to him after I secured the gun. At least I thought it was secured and when I made sure it didn't shoot, the bullet just shot out of it without a thought. Luckily it was still pointed towards the targets, but if it weren't…

"Twenty-four!" I heard a familiar voice shouting, but it was never this loud and full of anger. "What the hell did I tell you about keeping the weapons secured? Were you wandering off again in your mind? Are you insane?" He came next to me, kneeled, and grabbed the weapon from my hands to watch. "How do we secure a gun, Twenty-four?" He asked as he not so nicely handed back the weapon. I kneeled in front of him as he was standing again.

I needed to secure the gun at least ten times, the others watching as he was shouting at me the whole time. I was under a lot of pressure; it wasn't the best feeling. I felt embarrassed and angry at myself how could I make a mistake like this? It wasn't a game, someone could've been hurt.

"This is serious, we talk about lives, a bullet can kill, without a thought! Why are you here if you can't follow the rules? What would you say to your family? To your mom and dad? That 'I didn't pay attention, sorry'?" He said cruelly as I was just listening to every word he was saying, but the last ones were just too much. It was a weak point of mine and was so low of him. He should have known I had no family to tell anything.

I just stared at the green grass in front of me, his military boots visible only. "I made a mistake, it won't happen again, Captain!" I said a little quieter as I couldn't shout.

"I didn't hear it! Louder! And look at me when you talk to me, Twenty-four!"

I slowly lifted my head and glared at him with an empty look. He seemed a little surprised at my face for one millisecond but disappeared immediately as his sharp glare was looking back at me. "I made a mistake, it won’t happen again, Captain!" I shouted with all my power so he could hear, because as it turned out there were some problems with his hearing.

"We will get back to this!" He pointed at me saying it a little quieter just so I could hear it as I stood up.

"Attention team!" He shouted as we gathered in one line.

"Today's lesson is finished! The majority of the team completed the task, some didn't! You can go back to the base!" That was the words I was waiting for. I was the first one to turn around and go to the car that was already waiting for us. I could barely hold myself together, the emotions that suddenly tried to drown me were just too much. Why couldn't we just turn off our emotions, they have terrible timing and I just didn't want to feel anymore, it hurt. 

Back on the base, all I was waiting for was to shower, skip dinner, because I just had no appetite, and go somewhere I could be alone.

For this reason, I signed up to be one of the guards in the night. All of us needed to do at least one night, so I thought it was going to be my time. At least I was alone on the southern guarding tower. I climbed up, not sure if I was ready to be awake all night, without my thoughts drowning me. But at least I was alone.

When it comes to mentioning the word family, I just get lost. I can't do anything to stop it, all the memories I don't have just make me angrier and call life unfair because I couldn't experience the love of a family, the care of a mother, the protection of a father, or even a not so serious fight with a sibling. But I wasn't the only one to live like this, life wasn't unfair with just me, there were others too outside and this was what made me accept the fate I've got. So, in the end, it was always myself, who was my best friend, who was someone to take care of me, to comfort me. I grew up with this mentality and probably this was the reason I didn't trust anyone.

I was thinking about these things while I looked outside into the dark wildlife past the wire fence, a weapon in my hands when I heard a noise coming from underneath the tower. Quick footsteps, then I hear someone crawl up on the ladder that leads to where I was standing. My heart started to pound faster as I grabbed my weapon ready to shoot if we got attacked by some outsiders.

I tried to even my breathing that suddenly was so fast, I felt like my heart might jump out of my chest. Then the trap door made out of wood, opened and all my focus was there, just to see a familiar face that I didn't want to see.

"Jesus, Miss Kang!" Sergeant Choi said surprised as he straightened up with his hands held up when he saw me holding a gun at him.

"Shit! My apologies Captain!" I quickly put down the weapon and stood at attention.

"At ease, Kang!" He said, his voice low. I never heard him talk in this tone; I thought he could only yell at me.

"I'm sorry, I thought someone wanted to attack me." I looked down, and I felt a little shame. I just held a gun at my leader, they could even fire me for this.

He chuckled at that, I repeat—chuckled. "You would be long dead if someone would've attacked the base. You know the first ones are always the guards." He said and as I looked up, I saw a small smile on his face. And if I didn't get a heart attack when I thought, someone was going to kill me, now sure I was close to that.

I would've never thought I was going to say this, but his smile was so beautiful. As it curved up a little on both sides, his cheeks were higher, and little dimples were shining on his face. And his eyes got smaller from the smile. He was wearing the usual green pants, now paired with a grey tank top as a green bag was hanging from his shoulder.

I swore to Gods I felt like I started blushing and what the hell—get yourself together man.

"Yeah, right, I guess I still have to learn." I nodded as I turned away to look outside into the dark. It was better than looking at him, while I was fucking blushing. Why I was thinking suddenly that he was handsome? Okay, he was from the beginning but he was an asshole the whole time so I didn't notice. Who am I kidding he probably had a wife and kids already. A family…

Then I felt as if he walked next to me, grabbing the cold metal rail. As he did it, I heard a little noise and I looked down at his forefinger a golden ring that was lit by the moon shining above us. I quickly looked away from his hands.

"You still have to learn, but you made a lot of progress over a week." The Sergeant said as I felt his eyes on me.

"Yeah, especially today," I said with a sigh.

"About that, sorry if I was harsher than before, but I had to show an example for the others too and for you as well because it is a serious mistake. Could've been lives…" His voice came out softer like he felt a little guilty for yelling at me like that. But why would he? I was just one of his students if we could call it like that. There was no need to show favor towards me.

"No need to apologize, I understand, Captain! It was a big mistake and I hate myself for it." I looked down at my hands.

"You shouldn't. It happened and we are glad nothing serious happened but you learn from your mistakes. And I am sure you will always know how to secure a gun from now on." I glanced at him, and there it was—that damn smile.

"Yeah, that is sure, I won't ever forget," I said as a little smile appeared on my lips as well. It felt like a long time ago since I smiled. It felt especially strange; I didn't even realize that I don't smile often. And it was sad.

I looked away from him again, not being able to look at him for more than five seconds. "By the way, what are you doing here, Captain?"

"Oh, I almost forgot," He grabbed the bag from his shoulders and started to search for something. I looked at him with brows furrowed. "I brought you something to eat because the others said you skipped it. What I don't appreciate, by the way, you have to eat!" He looked up for a moment with sharp eyes.

I nodded at that, "Sorry, Captain I couldn't eat…"

Then he reached a box towards me with the dinner, which was some pasta and a bottle of water. Not going to lie…it was nice of him.

"You need strength here, we overwork ourselves all day, and these sources are necessary to keep going. Now sit and eat!" He commanded and all I could do was to obey immediately as he was watching my every movement.

"Yes, sir…am Captain! Thank you!" I just couldn't function when he was staring at me like that. I sat down cross-legged on the floor and opened the box. He did the same after looking around on the base and outside, he sat down. There were only the sounds of owls and a wolf calling his mate under the full moon. He sat on the opposite side of the tower in front of me and just watched as I was eating. The hell? I couldn't eat normally when someone was watching me.

"Khm…Can't you just not look at me like that while I eat…Captain?" I said a little shyly. I didn't recognize myself. I was a blushing teenager again.

"Soldiers need to do things under pressure, get used to it!" He answered with seriousness.

I was glad it was darker up there because I rolled my eyes at that. "Yeah, of course!"

"Did you just roll your eyes?" His face looked serious again, as the moonlight beamed at his face, some shadows dancing on his face, making it look sharper.

I froze for a second, not again, please. "No! I swear to God!" I held up my hands looking at him with round eyes.

Then he suddenly chuckled again. "I saw it, it's not that dark." I really couldn't figure this man out.

I put down the box I was eating from and stood up. "I know, I'm going for my fifteen-minute run."

"No, no, no. Stay, you don't have to, I was just joking." He signaled with his hands to sit down and his smile never disappeared. He enjoyed playing with me.

I snorted at that and sat down. "Very funny, Captain!"

There were a few minutes of silence between us. Both of us are deep in our thoughts.

"But that wasn't all today, didn't it?" I looked up at him with confused eyes as I finished my dinner. "It wasn't just about you making a mistake. I said something and then you suddenly changed, something is up, Kang."

I just shook my head, there was no way I would tell him. "Nothing, seriously. It was just because I felt so angry at myself and, to be honest at you as well, because I felt embarrassed. But that is all." I said trying to focus on one part of the truth.

He watched me for a few seconds, and he looked like he didn't entirely believe me, but he nodded.

"Thank you for the dinner, Captain! You can go and rest!" I stood up and grabbed my weapon. Then I chuckled a bit, "I sounded like I gave you orders!"

He smiled and hummed at that. "I'm staying with you tonight, Twenty-four!" He stood up and walked closer to me. "Didn't you know there are always two guards in one tower?" He kind of hovered over me and I looked up at him with wide eyes. "And let's not switch the roles if you may." He whispered a little closer to me.

I coughed feeling shy again…"No, Captain, I didn't know!" I straightened a bit at that. Then I turned away from him quickly. This was too much, what was this sudden change?

Then the night went away quickly, as we chit-chatted the whole night about this and that. Mostly he talked about how he became a soldier and how it changed his life. It was interesting because he was forced to be a soldier and this was the last thing he wanted to do, but in the end, it changed his mentality entirely and he couldn't imagine his life some other way. And as I thought about it, this was what I was hoping from this training camp if I was able to do it and become a soldier, it meant I was on the level he was on. And it seemed like a balanced life that I always craved for.        

The next day I only had to join practice in the afternoon, because I was guarding all night. I started fresh like a salad; I was ready to overrun everyone. Well, that seemed like a joke, because nothing happened as I wished. I was bad as hell; I fell a lot of time on the obstacle training and after running for half an hour I was on the verge of collapsing.

But then our Captain decided it was the best time to practice a new weapon and how secure it was. It needed concentration and punctuality and when all my body was trembling from the impact it got, it was game over. I tried to put in its place the cartridge in its place, but my breathing was just uneven and I dropped it a few times.

"Twenty-four! Didn't you get your beauty sleep until now? You just joined your team and you are out of it! At least try to make an effort, Kang!" Sergeant Choi shouted as he stepped closer. The man from the other night was just an illusion. But I guess I understood, there were boundaries between students and sergeants. He needed to take care of his team but also to teach lessons for them.

I nodded at that and somehow managed to put in its place that thing. But then we needed to start it over. And I dropped that shit over and over again. I was totally out of my mind; I couldn't concentrate and everyone saw that.

"I'm counting the times you made a mistake, Twenty-four! We are at six hundred points!" The sergeant yelled again while he was showing the other girl with kind words how to put in its place the cartridge. I felt like it was unfair, it wasn't me the only one who made mistakes and dropped that shit. But I kept trying and eventually, I calmed down enough to succeed in securing perfectly the weapon.

When the sun started to set down, the sergeant called it a night and we all dismissed. I didn't know why I couldn't just complete the tasks as I did before and it made me feel uneasy. I just called it a bad day; everyone had a bad day.

Well, it turned out hell, when suddenly Sergeant Choi came into our room and called me out. I was confused and was ready to run in circles again when we arrived at the field. It was barely lit with some lampposts and I saw my teammates standing there as confused as me.

"Attention Team Echo!" We were standing in a line and straightened. "At ease!" He said as we were in a straddled-standing. "Today was all about exhausting our bodies to our limits and then the ability to still concentrate on little things, to be punctual." He said with his hands behind his back, as he looked into our eyes one by one. "But some of you couldn't do it, even though we are already here in a week and a half! Twenty-four step out!" Here it came, my doom. I stepped out.

"You came later on because of your night shift, left out a lot of exercises, still you couldn't make them, mistakes after mistakes. I told you I counted them. Come beside me!" He said as his gaze pierced through me. I went next to him facing my teammates. "Your teammates are going to pay for the mistakes you made today. You are going to lead the night exercise!" He said as he looked to his side where I was standing, then to my teammates.

It was cruel, other people needed to suffer because of me.

"No way! Why isn't she paying for the mistake, it's not fair!" Wooyoung complained, which if I was honest, understood because I would've felt the same.

"Stop crying and do what I tell you!" Choi shouted at Wooyoung, who trembled from the sudden impact. "You're supposed to be a team! But you can't work together because you can't step out of your comfort zones and all of you are just too egoistic to think of others and not themselves!" His voice got louder and louder. I didn't know how his voice wasn't gone by now.

"A team helps each other and makes the task easier! Miss Kang made mistakes and it has consequences, that you and her teammates have to suffer together. She is going to learn from this as well. Trust me it's hard to watch as your teammates suffer only because of you!" He looked at me with sharp and serious eyes. "Now start the exercise! Push-ups! Now!" He commanded.

"Miss Kang counts! 1! 2! 3!" He shouted as he looked at me waiting to count.

"I want to do the exercises along them, Captain!" I said to him as I felt like it wasn’t fair.

"No! You have nothing to do just count! Now!" He pointed at my teammates. 

"1! 2! 3!" I started counting as my teammates started to do push-ups.

"Louder, Kang! Are we in the confession chair?"

I started counting louder, feeling like I wanted to bury myself six feet under. It didn't feel right even though I barely felt empathy toward people, I knew this was because of me. These people were strangers to me…at least in the beginning, but since we are here, something started to form between us. I still kept my distance for a reason but they were nice and those moments when we managed to do the tasks together as a team were the moments when I realized these people really do deserve to be here and that we could do a great team together.

"See? This happens when you can't be here in mind," He pointed at his head. "Your teammates suffer the consequences." He knew me too well, even though we had only been here for a short time. He was right and I hated him for that. I

 hated it when people looked through me and the most when they noticed my mistakes. It would've felt better if I got the punishment. But seeing my teammates on the dirty ground doing sit-ups, out of breath after a long day, was so cruel of him. I was really on the verge of joining them or telling him I was going to do all the exercises instead of them, but I didn't. I remained silent and watched as my teammates almost collapsed from training all day and now this.

When they finished Captain dismissed us and we could go back to our room as we had less time now to get our rest. I needed to remain outside a little to clear my head. I walked a little further to the outline of the field and sat on one of the benches.

I couldn't do it like this. With a mind where chaos ruled everything. I signed up for this to prove to myself that I was capable of living. But not like this. So now I set three goals for myself; to talk with my teammates, to prove to myself and the others that I did belong here, and to let go of my past. My past was what it was and it does not lead me anywhere.

So, I had to start with a new page.

The next morning the first thing I wanted to do, after getting ready for the day, was to talk with my teammates. I couldn't sleep all night, because the guilt kept me up. I didn't even know I could feel empathy towards people. But when people are in a situation like preparing to be a soldier, which means life or death, it isn't a question. People grew close to me in no time. My teammates especially.

Wooyoung had a big mouth, but he was a fun guy even though he sometimes didn't have a filter. The other girl, Wendy, on the other hand, was the only girl beside me on our team and it was a need. We understood our needs and could talk about some girly things in this men-ruled place. Jongho was a sweet guy, who was there when I needed a little quiet. The other two guys were Changbin and Mingyu, they were both powerful and had the mindset of a real soldier. We needed them in our team. Everyone had unique abilities which moved forward our team. And when they needed to suffer because I made a banal mistake, I just couldn't get a rest. So, when I saw my teammates were in the canteen sitting at one table eating a surprisingly good breakfast, it was time for me to talk to them. At least the food was so good here, they took good care of the soldiers

"Good morning, guys!" I said as I sat next to Jongho.

"Good morning, Y/N!" Jongho greeted me immediately with a beaming smile.

"Morning!" Wooyoung said as he didn't even look at me.

I coughed a bit trying to get some attention and tried to put together what I wanted to say.

"So am…I just wanted to apologize for yesterday. I know it was my fault, yet you needed to suffer…I am sorry." I said as I looked into the eyes of everyone.

"It's okay." To my surprise, Wooyoung started to talk. "I know I didn't show it, but we all knew it wasn't your fault; everyone has a bad day. You did great at practice and I saw that you tried to put that gun together. It happens, we are glad nothing serious happened and we do not have one more hole in our bodies." Wooyoung chuckled sincerely, which truly was a surprise. My respect towards him just grew.

"Y/n, you really shouldn't worry about us, we did it for the team, and we would do it again if it was for anyone on the team," Wendy said, his shoulder-length hair now in a ponytail. The others nodded at that with agreement.

"Shit guys, I literally couldn't sleep because of the guilt I felt, and you are acting so chill about it," I said with a sincere and thankful smile.

Jongho bumped his shoulder to mine. "It's all right, Kang!" He smiled at me with a sweet, understanding smile.

And with that getting into place, I felt like we could be unstoppable. Something blocked us, until that point and now that everything was clear, I knew I could trust in these people.

 

The next week was about, outside training that came with no time, we couldn’t even finish our breakfast and in the blink of an eye, we were standing in front of Sergeant Choi in a dark field. This was how our week looked, getting up, eating, training, eating, and resting. And repeat.

 The weather was quite cloudy today as the sun hid behind the darker clouds, it seemed it could rain at any moment.

"Attention team! Today's training is about teamwork, strength, and keeping the mind calm under pressure!" He shouted staring into our eyes.

"Your job is, to carry the equipment behind the moving combat car. It shelters you from the enemy, it's a shield from the bullets. After you manage to do it, there is going to be a military car that is stuck in the mud. You have to unpack the car and somehow get it out of the mud by pushing it out! When the car is out, the mission is completed!" The sergeant said with tranquility and slowly so we could understand the task.

"I expect, composed and measured thinking! I believe you can do it, there is no impossible here!" He shouted with an encouraging tone.

"Yes, Captain!" We all shouted together, determined as a team.

"Now, get ready, and when I tell you, start the mission!"

Everything felt like it was happening in slow motion.

We ran forward in a straight line, our chests aligned, counting our steps carefully to keep from tripping. During attack simulations, we had to take cover next to the combat vehicle. After running two kilometers in full gear, we finally reached the car, stuck deep in the mud.

When we tried to pull it free, it wouldn’t budge. Chaos erupted—everyone shouting, running in different directions. Our rhythm, our unity, seemed to break apart. And I couldn’t stand to watch it.

"Everyone, stop!" I shouted as I stepped out of the mud to the side, looking at the others. "We need a plan; we won't go anywhere if we just shout at each other! We are going to get that shit out!” I pointed at the car getting hyped up as the adrenaline ran through my body, giving me enough strength to do all of this.

“Jongho, you are strong you stay at the rear with Changbin and push the car when I tell you. Wendy, you sit in the car, we need someone at the wheel as well. Wooyoung, Mingyu, and I, are going to help with the tires with the wooden board! Let's try it!" I felt like someone had to say what we needed to do, Sergeant Choi stood next to us but did not help in how we could manage to get the car out of there. The others didn't complain, they nodded and went to their places.

"Okay, at three, push, we help on the sides as well!" I shouted out, my lungs burning from the tiredness I felt, but the adrenaline didn’t let me stop, we needed to do this.

"One! Two! Three! PUSH!" I shouted as Jongho and Changbin started pushing the car with all their strength, we managed to put the wooden boards under the tires and supported from the sides as well. At first, it seemed like it wouldn't move, but as we pushed without giving up, it was suddenly moving, the tires full of dirt as it almost buried itself.

"Keep going, it's moving!" I shouted as I gritted my teeth, giving all my power into pushing, meanwhile, my feet were buried entirely in the mud I could barely move, just like the others. But then it was easier and easier to push and then all I could see was dry ground under the tire. We made it.

"Gather here team! Attention!" We didn't even have the time to process it, we ran in front of him the car behind us, and straightened.

For a few seconds, he didn’t say anything, just stared into our eyes one, one by one. "Mission completed, Team Echo!" Then he settled on mine. "Kang! Step out!" He said, as I immediately stepped out, not breaking eye contact.

"Yes, Captain!" I shouted, as my heart was still beating fast from the mission. But it was beating faster when he called my name, I felt like I was in trouble.

"Miss Kang had the bravery to take over the team's leading!" He said as he stepped closer to me with his eyes piercing through my soul, as suddenly I felt cold, wet drops on my face. The rain as suddenly as it used to, started pouring at us, but we didn't dare to move a finger. We were still standing there as we got soaked, the mud from our faces and clothes slowly flowing down to the ground with the rain. I felt like it was a mistake what I did.

After a few seconds of silence, he said, "Which was the greatest thing you did, since you are here!" He said unblinking, even though the rain made his raven-black hair fall into his eyes, which made him look even more handsome. "Miss Kang, made a good decision, seeing her team was falling apart and took over. This is why we are here! To discover what we are capable of, to adapt to different situations! A soldier is a soldier when they know what they are capable of and when they know their boundaries! We are here to search those boundaries! Good job team, since we are here, this is the first time you made me proud!" The Sergeant shouted out, sincerely looking proud at his team. "Miss Kang, you are the temporary leader of the team from now on! Until you deserve it!" He said as he looked at me seriously.

I saluted at that. "Yes, Captain! I'm grateful for your decision, I am going to lead the team with all my power and fight for them!" I shouted with determination.

I stepped back, as we all shouted. "We will do our best!"

The rain was still pouring at us, and I needed to squint my eyes to see something, all of us were soaked to the bone. He nodded. "Now, dismiss and get a rest!" He commanded as we finally could go back to the base.

It was truly a trial mission for the team and while we were in the car to go back to the base, we all were smiling, because this was the first time we got praise from our leader and it felt good. We discussed the details of the mission and how everyone did a great job. It was a need for our team. We started to build up a strong bond between us.  

When we arrived and finally could rest a bit, before I could go after the others into my room a familiar voice called me from behind. "Miss Kang!"

I turned on my heels immediately and strengthened. "Yes, Captain!" I said looking straight. Then he jogged towards me, his hair half-dried as the rain stopped a few minutes ago, his cheeks were a bit pink from the chilly air. He got rid of his soaked green jacket and only wore a black T-shirt, that was glued to his chest from the wetness. The air was caught in my throat as I watched him approach me. I wasn't supposed to feel like this, I didn't even know what I felt, but something just pulled towards him like a magnet. Probably it was because he was the most handsome man I ever met in my twenty years, and probably I was blinded by that.

"You can ease, Kang, we are not on a mission. You can relax sometimes you know?" He asked what looked like sincere curiosity.

I nodded as I tilted my head down a bit. "Yes, it's just a little harder for me, Captain!" I said sincerely.

He nodded in understanding. "Okay, then you have half an hour to get ready! We are going into the town to ease up a bit!" He said with a small smile appearing on his face, where I just couldn't read anything. He was like a mysterious box that couldn’t be opened. And I desperately wanted to open that box, I was curious about him, outside the soldier life.

At first, when he said it, I didn't believe it, it seemed like he was joking so I looked at him with big-doe eyes, not understanding what was happening.

"Miss Kang!" Then I felt warm hands on both sides of my cheeks, I could feel the hot air coming from his mouth on my face. "Did you get what I said?" Man, get your shit together, what is happening with you?

I chuckled at that, trying to ignore the fact that his hands were on my face. "Yes, yes, I understood, Captain, we are going to the town to get shit-faced!" I stated the facts.

Then his hands were gone from my cheeks as he wholeheartedly laughed. My cheeks were suddenly burning despite the air being cold outside, but I'm not going to lie, the sound of his laugh made my heart beat faster. He looked so sweet while laughing. And I would've never imagined I was going to hear his laugh; it was special and low and his dimples made it cute. I don’t know if it was the tiredness but I felt like I was going to melt right there. The Sergeant, who I thought was cold and unstoppable, was sweet and caring under the surface.

It was strange being out in town after two and a half weeks. It may seem short for others but for us, it seemed like months passed. As we were sitting beside a table with the team, the Captain invited us for a few shots. It was odd. Like it was an entirely new life. I got used to the rules and schedules it was strange and I couldn’t let go of myself.

"Miss Kang, it is allowed to relax now." I felt as the sergeant next to me bumped his shoulders into mine as he looked at me. I looked back at him for a moment to take him in. This night was full of surprises, he wasn't wearing the usual uniform we all needed; he was wearing casual clothes. And oh my God—when I saw him, my stomach definitely flipped, I didn't know if it was the butterflies or the mud I ate during the mission, but something happened. He was wearing a grey hoodie paired with black jeans and on top a black coat that reached his ankle. His hair was freshly washed and it was falling onto his forehead softly. He looked so casual and so out of what I was used to.  

I was just staring down at my drink, almost full, despite we were there for more than an hour. I just nodded at what he said, it wasn't just that I got used to the strict rules on the base, it was just that, I didn't have things like these in my life. Things like sitting together with friends to grab a drink and talk all night. I was a socially distanced person and it was difficult to get used to it. And I felt regret for not being able to experience this kind of thing.

So, for this reason, I wholeheartedly started to listen to the conversation around us. After drinking two of the Gin tonics that Wooyoung ordered for me, I finally felt at ease. I felt like I was in the right place, with the right people around. We laughed and cheered as Jongho told us a speech about how good of a team we became, that we were unstoppable. The Captain just nodded at that as his cheeks were a bit pink like he was blushing, but the truth was it was hot inside and he drank a few shots with the boys. Could it be the alcohol alone, that could bring down the Captain?

All of us started to show the signs of being drunk, or at least being a bit tipsy, when we ordered some food, to eat, so we wouldn't pass out in the pub we were in. While we were eating some delicious Asian food, I felt something touched my left thigh. I didn't need to look down to know what was it. It was the Captain’s thigh. I don't know if it was the alcohol or not, but something in me started to boil at that slight touch. I felt warmer and like I got hit with a flash of lightning. I just cleared my throat as I made a little distance between our legs.

Nah, it was just weird, the feeling itself, I never felt like this before, just by a slight touch. I was wondering how it would feel if he just—

"Miss Kang, you don't look good, are you okay?" I heard his low voice coming from beside me. The others laughed loudly about something.

I cleared my throat once again. "Yes, of course I am," I said confidently as I turned my head and looked at him. Our eyes met and it felt like those eyes ignited something in me and I instantly was caught on fire. The fire was burning in my eyes, that was mirrored in his eyes. He couldn’t deny it, because it was there, I saw it and we both knew that we wanted each other.

"Miss Kang seems a bit ill, I'll take her out to get some fresh air." The Sergeant said while he didn’t even look at the others, the eye contact couldn’t be broken because if it did the world would collapse.

Then he stood up and helped me out of the booth, when his hand touched mine, I felt like I got hit with something electric. I didn’t even dare to look at the others and what they might see, what was happening between us.

When we went towards the door, he held it for me so I could go out first. The chilly air immediately hit my face like it was a brick wall as I pulled on my coat, so it would be warmer somehow. It felt nice, finally coming out of that warm room.

"Come!" I heard his demanding voice from behind as I turned to watch him go into the alley next to the pub. I followed him as his wide shoulders were in sight in front of me, his black coat flowing after him, when he took a turn to the right into the alley.

"I am sincerely okay, there's no need to—" I said as I followed him into the alley, barely being able to keep up with him, but I was interrupted by being pushed against the brick wall.

As I opened my eyes after squeezing them shut from the sudden impact I looked up at a feral-looking Captain, staring down at me like he was going to eat me whole, right there. And I didn't even have the time to ask what was happening, because suddenly I felt warm and hungry lips on mine. My mind was full of dark fog and I couldn't think clearly. It seemed his brain was also fogged because when I kissed him back without a thought, his hands immediately cupped my face to get better access. The kiss was hungry and desperate and I would've thought about the bad things this kiss might lead us to, or the consequences or the reasons. But I couldn't care less at that moment. I was curious about how it might feel to get more of him. And this. This was insane. I felt like I was losing my mind like my body would burn into ashes in his hands.

I buried my hands into his hair on his nape. It felt soft and so good. He let out a low groan at that as his hands left my cheeks just to push me more into the brick wall behind me by my waist. His lean body, pushed flesh against me, when he bit my lower lip hard, asking for permission. I was on the verge of letting out a moan at that, but my ego didn't let it. I just parted my lips and his tongue was immediately inside my mouth, discovering every inch of it, then finding my tongue to invite it for a dance. I felt like I might explode at any moment like a firework that was already lit. I didn't even realize the desire I felt towards him was this deep. Deep like the deep water I hated so much, where undiscovered beasts were lurking around in the bottom of it, to catch you when you don't pay attention. He was the beast and I was the innocent human swimming around. He caught me with his mouth and I couldn't get free. We shouldn't do this, we couldn't.

When we separated after what felt like minutes, we breathed hot air against each other's mouths. A string of saliva connected our lips like it was impossible for us to separate, as our foreheads were pushed together. His hands were still on my waist pulling me close to him like I might run away at any time. My thoughts were running around, and I couldn’t think, of a single sentence to say, I was shocked yet it was the best thing that happened to me after a while.

"Shit!" This was all I could say out loud. I didn't know why, or what it meant I just said it.

I felt as he nodded against my forehead. "Yeah…"

"We shouldn't have done it," I whispered as he pulled away a bit, his hands still pulling me close to him.

"I know…" He whispered as he looked into my eyes like he was scared I might disappear.

But then. The dark thoughts came, that hunted me all the time like they were some demons, that tried to chase away the good things that could happen to me. I was doomed to feel sad and empty all the time. And they came in questions like, what if he just needed some distraction away from the strict life he was living? What if he was married and had kids? What if I was just an escape for him from that cruel world?

All I needed was these questions to see things clear, then my hands reached to his that was on my waist just to somehow get them to release me. I stepped out from the cage he made with his huge body, putting a little distance between us.

"Look, if you just need some distraction, then go to the other side of the street and you can get anyone you want." I pointed towards the end of the alley where I saw a few women standing and inviting strangers into the nightclub.

"No, it's not that, Y/n!" He never called me by my name. He stepped closer and I saw a little guilt appear in his eyes.

"Then what is it?" My voice got louder a bit, and my emotions started to drown me. Suddenly it was all too much for me.

"I—I don't know, okay?" He nervously brushed his hair out of his sight as his voice got louder as well.

I scoffed at that. "Right, you don't know. Where is that confident Captain, who shouted at me all the time when I did something wrong? Should I do the same? It was a fucking mistake and you know we can't do shit like this." My voice turned out to be harsher as I wanted but I just honestly was so out of my mind.

"I know, I know it was a fucking mistake," He shouted back at me as he seemed just as confused as me. "But what can I do when all I can think of is you?" He continued suddenly and we both froze at that. Me, because of what he said, and he because he actually said it out loud.

All I could do was chuckle at that. "Yeah, right, about me…" I scoffed as I said.

He then stepped closer to me, like a predator hunting its prey. "Don't you feel the same?" He whispered as he leaned closer to my lips. I did, and I wanted to kiss him so bad, but…

"No, I don't. And I'm glad, because what would you do? I would be instantly fired if they would find it out." I looked into his eyes seriously, I couldn’t read his face again, his mask that fell for a few minutes was back.

"They wouldn't fire you out, I wouldn't let them." His voice came out a bit desperate like he wanted to convince me it was the right thing to do.

 "I want to do this, do this on my own not with some privileges. You would be an advantage for me, I could use you easily. Would you like that?" I asked as I lifted his chin with my finger. Just this one time, I wanted to show him that he wasn't the only one who could take advantage of the other.  

"I didn't think you would be someone who would do that." He said with a serious tone, his gaze piercing at me while he took off my finger from his chin.

I just shrugged. "You don't know me at all, Captain." And I just turned, leaving there a confused and disappointed Captain standing in the empty alley. Something that started with burning desire now was destroyed by the ugly truth.

Even though we wanted the other, we weren't in a situation where we could give in to our desire. We wavered for a few minutes, but everything needed to settle back to how it was, to continue. He was my Captain, and I was just a woman who wanted to be a soldier.

After that night, I wished it never happened. The training didn't stop and he was still the leader of my team. It was bad for both of us, we made a huge mistake that made my staying harder. I won't say things changed between us, but it definitely got worse. He was stricter with me, watching my every step and then shouting into my face. It was like this the whole time, but something was different when he looked at me, it seemed like it was burning with something like hatred, something like shame. I just barely looked at him, only when needed, wishing that the training camp was soon over and I hoped they were going to sign me as a soldier of the military. I just needed to get over this one week and then we might not see each other again.

But it was hard in the situations when he randomly caught me in the hall after I showered, pushed me against the cold wall, and crushed his lips against mine hungrily. I felt confused but the desire burning my body was much higher and I couldn’t think clearly. I just followed every rule he made, like I did when he commanded something. Our connection was like this all the time. He made the orders and I followed them.

And when he didn’t even wait for me to get out of the shower, was a bit over my boundaries. I was facing the wall as I was washing my hair when I felt two hands around my waist, that felt like cold chains. I knew it was him because when I looked down at the hands, there was that familiar golden ring, that made me feel guilty all the time he touched me.  

“Oh my God, what are you doing?” I whispered as I looked over my shoulder. It was late in the night, but there were a few people still showering.

He softly kissed my shoulder, kissing the way up to my neck, to my ears. “I want you.” He whispered as I barely could hear it, the water coming from the shower head was loud enough to close the sounds out. I felt his naked body leaning against mine. I felt my heartbeat in my ears, all my body was throbbing from the different kinds of emotions.

“We can’t…” I said as I leaned my head on his shoulders giving him more access to my neck. I was officially an idiot.

I sighed and slowly turned around to push him away. I felt ashamed and shy all of a sudden. It was the first time he saw me naked and I saw him naked. His body was perfectly muscled, his abs were a clear view, and before my eyes would’ve gone a little downer, I stopped myself. It wasn’t the time to wander around.  

“Please, just stop.” I looked at him with begging eyes.

The water was still falling on us, his hair got wet as he combed his hand through the wet strings. “I’m so sorry, Y/n,” He ran his hands through his face frustrated like he wanted to clear his mind. “I just…you drive me crazy, okay? I never felt like this, I never felt like I wanted someone by my side every minute.” He admitted as he put some distance between us, trying not to drown me.

The bathroom fell into an agonizing silence as only the water sound broke it. “Okay, but you can’t just fucking come in when I fucking shower.” My voice rose a bit as I got nervous, trying to hide my body with my hands. I felt vulnerable and I hated this feeling.

“Shit, sorry, I-I really—” It seemed like he just realized what he was doing. That fog in his mind must be dark. His eyes looked at the wet floor, not even daring to look at me. He looked like a wet stray dog, asking for shelter. “Please come to my room when you are finished and let’s talk.” He didn’t even look at me when he wanted to exit the cabin, but then he stopped and looked at me with desperate eyes. “Can I kiss you?”

“Oh my God, just leave already!” I wanted to hit him playfully; he just couldn’t be this desperate I couldn’t be mad at him anymore.

But he caught my wrist suddenly. “I leave after you gave me a kiss.” He whispered as he pulled me closer to him by my wrist.

“You are soo…” I said with a slight smile as I leaned close to his lips and pecked it softly. “Now you may leave,” I said as I pulled away to look into his sharp eyes and his now pouty lips.

I sighed, “You can’t be helped,” I leaned closer again and just bit on his pouty lower lip I didn’t know if it was a good idea because I heard him groan at that and he slowly, very carefully put his hands on my waist to walk me back to the cold wall. His lips were on mine in seconds the water now was fully flowing on us, making the kiss more wet. Our lips moved along the other’s slow, but hungry. His hands slowly travelled up on my sides, one hand cupping my jaw and the other on my throat as he pushed me more onto the wall. I let out a moan at that, the air stuck in my throat because of his hand. I couldn’t stop and I just didn’t want to.

His hand from my throat travelled around my body, discovering every inch of my wet body when his hands stopped on the back of my thighs and he lifted me up against the wall. His lips were still moving against mine desperately, with a burning passion that both of us just couldn’t stop. Then all I could feel was his full length inside me, reaching every spot I didn’t even know existed. The bathroom was full of the desperate noises we let out as we reached the top together.

Then he just left me there with the words ‘I’m waiting for you in my room’ and I just fell on the bathroom floor, the water still falling on me unstoppably like the sudden emotions that drowned me. I started crying, I buried my hands into my hair and I just wanted to disappear from the Earth.

I always had problems controlling my feelings, but this was the worst. I hated myself because of what I just did. I didn’t know anything about this man. I didn’t know if he was married. I didn’t know if he just wanted to use me. I hated that we couldn’t talk.

And at that point, I just didn’t want to see him. I couldn’t because if I did, I would fall into his trap again, without a thought.

After I somehow put myself together I was desperately trying to wash his hands off my body, I went into my room and cried myself to sleep silently.

Today's training was one of the last. As we slowly got closer to the end, I looked back at how much I developed both mentally and physically. And the fact how close I felt towards my teammates all of a sudden. There was no other way for us than to adapt to this situation and work together. This situation made us friends and I would've never thought I might find friends that seemed true and honest. I was sure this was the best idea to sign up for this training camp…until the next training came...

Water. Water was the only thing I had feared my whole life. It took my family from me, and I would never get over it.

The trauma runs deep in my bones—just as deep as the oceans where those monsters lurk. The water stole my family, its merciless hands dragging them down, refusing to let them survive. I can still hear my mother’s screams, muffled by the depths, her lungs filling with saltwater as she sank further and further. My father followed after her, swallowed by the abyss.

I had nightmares about this scene all my life, I was glad when somehow my brain decided it was enough. And to my surprise, since I was in the training camp, they never came. Like my brain built a brick wall that was so strong it kept the demons outside—well some of them. It was probably because we trained all day, we needed to be there mentally as well and I was always exhausted after a day, I was knocked out almost every time I reached my bed.

And now we were standing next to a swimming pool, deep and clear. Its blue-looking water not even moving. I was scared to my bones, but this wasn't the ocean, it was just a pool and some divers would save me if something happened. I needed to face my fears.

"Attention!" Sergeant Choi shouted as he was standing in front of us. "Today's exercise is not about teamplay, it's an individual task. You have to face one of the hardest obstacles. Water." As he said the word, my heartbeat quickened and I felt like I might get a heart attack at any time. I closed my eyes to close out the thoughts that whispered to run far away from there. I couldn’t even think about him, about the other night where everything just fucked up.

"Miss Kang, is there any problem?" As I opened my eyes at the voice, I saw him standing in front of me, and behind his serious mask, I saw a little worry hiding in his eyes.

"No, Captain!" I shouted back looking confident. He looked at me for a few seconds just to make sure it was true then walked away up to the jumping-board that was five meters high.

"The first task is simple, when I blow the whistle you run here, climb up the ladder, and jump into the pool without any hesitation!" he shouted from up there as we looked up at him. His voice was echoing around like the demons that whispered to run louder and louder.

I was the third in the line. Wooyoung started the exercise, he ran without any hesitation, climbed up, and jumped without a thought. It was impressive, but if I weren't scared of the water, I would've said it was an easy task. And then it was my turn and I was so deep in my thoughts I didn't even hear the whistle for a moment. Then I felt Jongho push me a little to get back and then, everything was in slow-motion again, as I was running towards him, climbing up, running beside him, and jumping without any hesitation. And when I collided with the water, I felt like I was my mom who couldn't get to the surface. Who was screaming but no one heard it. Then it felt like my body was separated from my mind because I jumped from the bottom to push myself up, and then my lungs could finally feel the air coming into my lungs as I was breathing like I was stuck there for at least five minutes. I swam to the edge of the pool and Jongho helped me out of the pool immediately.

"Hey, are you okay?" I felt as he grabbed my cheeks to look into his eyes. It was blurry for a few seconds but I nodded, not being able to speak.

I couldn't believe I did it. It seemed impossible for me, yet I was standing there all soaked but proud of myself because I jumped into the pool despite the fears I had. And it felt so good, I couldn’t describe it, but I felt so proud of myself, facing my fears and then fighting against them. It felt like a few of the demons disappeared and they didn't whisper to me to run anymore.

"Miss Kang! Is everything all right?" I heard the sergeant shout down at us with clear worry in his voice.

I breathed quickly, trying to get myself to speak somehow. "Yes, Captain!" My voice choked a bit as I looked up at him straight into his eyes. He knew something was up. It seemed like he knew every thought of mine, even though we barely knew each other, I was sure he analyzed all of us here and had a whole document about our personalities.

"Next one!" He shouted with the stopwatch in his hands.

I was glad no one noticed anything from my inner turmoil, so I just focused on the others doing the task.

When everyone finished, we were standing in one line again, the sergeant in front of us.

"Great job everyone! I have to tell you; it was impressive and this is what I expect from the team!" He clapped his hands two times with a slight smile. He started to grow closer to us too, he needed to admit it. "But it's not over, the real job comes now!" His face switched to serious. "As you can see there are hoops in the swimming pool," He turned to point at the hooks. "You just have to get there," He turned back to face us. "Seems simple, huh?" He raised his eyebrows. "But it's not, because it's all about the mentality and to avoid unnecessary stress. Your hands and legs are going to be tied up!" Silence took over the place and everyone looked at him like it was a joke.

"The pool is going to get deeper and deeper as you get closer to the hooks." He pointed at the pool again. "We soldiers have a technique for situations like this. It’s called survival bobbing. Your hands are going to be tied back, your legs together. At first, the pool is as deep as you, and your head is out. But. As it gets deeper you have to reach the bottom of it and jump up from the bottom to get air again, then down again, blowing the air out of your lungs to get to the bottom! This is how you will reach the hooks!" He shouted out the task we needed to do and we just looked at each other with the team, calling it impossible.

This exercise was the cruelest of all since we were here. "You need to stay calm, divers are keeping an eye on you, you won't die, and you won't drown. It's about fighting down the anxiety, the thoughts that say to us we can't do this!" He pointed at his head, while he tried to motivate us. "I believe all of you can do this! I chose you for my team because I knew you had the mentality of a real soldier! So, get into the water and don't disappoint me! This exercise is about you, not me, not your team, it's for you to fight your demons!" the sergeant shouted with all of the strength he had, almost deafening us.

I'm not going to lie; I was ready to say I couldn't do this. I wanted to give up. But after hearing the words he said, and that it was all about ourselves. Something just clicked in me, something just couldn't let me give up.

So, we were standing in the swimming pool, where the water reached our chests, our hands, and legs already tied as we were waiting for the sound of the whistle. I only could hear my heartbeat.

Thump

Thump

Thump

My heartbeat sounded like it was a gun shooting out a bullet. Then I heard the whistle from far away and I started to get into the water as I was sinking deeper and deeper. At first, it seemed easy until my feet could touch easily the bottom, but when I went deeper and I needed to be a lot more under the water than outside, something started to break in me, when the glass slowly started to crack, running through the glass, forming a root of an old tree. I tried to move forward, not giving up, his words echoing in my mind.

When I went down again after barely being up for one second and reached the bottom with my feet, at least three meters were above me. The hook was one meter away, I just needed to do it one more time and I was done.

But…the glass suddenly broke and the water ran over the gate unstoppably, the world slowed down and went a little dark. Suddenly I found myself somewhere else. I saw someone under the water. It was my mother. As the hands pulled her down into the dark. I wanted to save her, but I couldn't move. My feet were rooted, and my lungs were screaming for air, but the surface looked so far away that I thought my fate was the same as my parents. So, I just wanted my fate to be fulfilled…but as I looked up, I saw another figure swimming towards me desperately. They looked familiar but everything was so blurry under the water it was impossible to know. When the figure finally reached me… it felt like I was waiting for him my whole life. When his hands grabbed my unmoving body, I felt that familiar lightning going through my body, even though we were under the water I felt his warmth, which immediately melted the ice around my heart.

Then suddenly I was pulled out of the swimming pool, as I was sitting on the edge, the Captain was still in the water to make sure I made it out safely. I was breathing so fast I felt like I might choke as I started to cough water out of my lungs. Who knows how much I was underwater…time didn't exist for me down there.

"Fuck, Y/n, are you okay?" I felt as he pulled himself out of the water to sit next to me, his hands on my shoulder as they caressed my back. And then the glass that was already broken, broke more and I started crying. I couldn't even tell when was the last time I was crying, maybe at the funeral of my parents. I felt terrified but at the same time, I was just so disappointed, because I couldn't do it.

"Hey, Y/n! Look at me!" I felt as his hands searched for my face as I was still crouched forward, my legs still in the water.

When the wet hands found my cheeks and lifted my head to look at me, I broke once again. "I-I'm s-sorry," I sobbed as I turned towards him. "I-I couldn't…couldn't do it…" I was broken and out of my mind.

"No, no, no Y/n, calm down, please," I heard his calm voice as I looked into his eyes. He looked so worried and terrified. "Breathe with me, baby." He started to breathe in and out as I did the same his hands still cupped the sides of my cheeks. I already felt calmer when I looked at him, but I just did what he told me to do.

"Good job, baby, very good job!" he caressed my cheeks as he saw I started to calm down. "Now listen to me! That you even started the mission and gave it a try was already a success for me. I'm so proud of you, Y/n! You did what you could, and you already won, because you tried and didn’t run away!" His voice was soft and his sharp eyes were shining as he was looking at me, he seemed proud.

I nodded at that. "Y/n, are you okay?" I heard Jongho's voice from behind as he completed the task and saw that something was up.

And suddenly I realized we weren't alone, that everyone saw and probably heard how the captain calmed me down, and as I looked around, I saw eyes on me. Eyes that screamed pity. That was the last thing I wanted to see, I hated it. I wasn't a baby who needed pampering.

So, I quickly stood up, my world a little spinning but somehow, I found the door that led me out of the staring eyes. When I went outside it was already getting darker, the weather was a bit chilly—felt so freaking good with soaked hair and clothes… I didn't even know where I was heading, my feet just wanted to walk me far away from there.

"Y/N!" I heard a voice behind me—familiar, commanding. A part of me wanted to stop, instinctively obeying the tone. But after what had happened, I just couldn’t take him seriously anymore.

"Y/N, c'mon, where are you going?" The voice got closer and closer.

"Away from here, I'm done with this shit!" I shouted not even looking back.

Then I felt as if a hand grabbed my hand and swirled me around impatiently.

"You can't just leave everything behind!" His face was a mix of disappointment, sadness, and…something I could never name.

"Why not? Didn't I tell you? This was what I was talking about. I. AM. NOT. A. PRIVILAGE." I pointed my finger at him, hitting his chest with every word. "Treat me like you would treat my other teammates, Captain!" My voice quieted a little as I said.

He was staring down at the ground, he looked like he was a little cat and its owner just scolded him for breaking a vase. "It's San…" He whispered barely audible.

"What?" I frowned at him.

He looked up, straight into my eyes and his eyes were shining again, but because it was welled up with salty tears.

"My name is San…please call me San…" He said with a desperate look.

It was weird, I didn't even realize he had another name until here he was just Captain for me or Sergeant Choi, and hearing his name, which sounded so fitting for him just ran chills through my body.

And yet, I scoffed at that, "I wasn't curious about your name." I turned again ready to leave.

"I can't treat you like the others, and I won't!" I heard his confident voice again it made me freeze. Footsteps behind me, as I felt the distance between us close like he was a magnet, my body just sensed his presence since the first time I saw him. He came in front of me and slowly, carefully like I might bite, held my hands. "I won't treat you like the others, because you mean so much more for me than them. I don't know and I don't understand, but the first time I saw you, when you rolled your eyes at me," A slight smile appeared on his face as he was thinking back at the memory.

"Something just happened there, I just couldn't get you out of my mind. I was watching you from far away, the night first night when you needed to run as a punishment, when you were talking with your teammates. You seemed so nature-like, I just wanted to know you better." He seemed honest like he wasn't joking.

"And when I saw you down there when you didn’t move…I just felt the urge to protect you no matter what. Please just…" He then cupped my face as tears welled up in my eyes. "Please, forgive me! For the other night…I-I it wasn’t me, I am just so confused when I’m with you and I can’t control myself, I shouldn’t have done that and then leave you there, I was an asshole and I get it if you won’t forgive me because I do deserve that…” His voice was desperate and his eyes started to well up with tears.

“A-and I know I shouldn't have talked to you like that in front of the others, but I was so worried, Y/n," His voice cracked a bit as he got emotional.

A single tear rolled down my cheeks, straight into his palm, that held my cheeks, his face inches away from me as he leaned his forehead against mine, closing his eyes.

My hands lifted on top of his as I looked at his face, the lamppost lighting his face, where pain was only visible. "I…I'm sorry for shouting at you, you just wanted to help me, but I was so overwhelmed I didn't think clearly." His eyes opened at that, and he looked at me with something that seemed relief.

He shook his head, "You don't have to apologize, baby." He then took one of my hands and pecked the inside of my palm. Warmth trailed through my body at the gesture. Then our eyes met and I saw the same fire in his eyes as that night, but it was a lot brighter now.

“Who is Sierra?” I asked what I wanted from day one, but didn’t have the strength to hear the truth that I might not like.

He looked at me with round eyes as his hands now released mine. He seemed distant all of a sudden and I knew it was time to discuss some things.

“She’s my…” He started as he stared down at the ground. “She’s m-my little sister,” His voice was barely a whisper. “W-was my little sister.”

Tears started to flow down my cheeks at that, he looked so broken and vulnerable at that moment as his uniform was glued to his body.

I stepped closer to him as I slowly reached my hands to cup his face. His eyes were full of tears I never saw him this vulnerable. “I’m so sorry San,” I whispered with sincere understanding.

He held my hands that cupped his face. “I never knew my parents, I was too little when they left us with my little sister and we became orphans. My sister…got very sick when we were teenagers…” He looked empty as he looked back at the unwanted memory. “It was a disease that couldn’t be helped. It took her away…” His voice seemed sad but he didn’t cry, and it was a good sign because that meant he knew it wasn’t his fault.

I gently caressed his cheeks, my touch soft and understanding. "I'm so sorry, San. I wish I could have known her."

He looked at me as if he couldn’t believe I was really there. "I wish you knew her too. You’re both stubborn as hell."

Then, finally, he smiled—a smile I had missed so much, his dimples appearing with a quiet kindness. He lifted his hand between us where his ring was appearing on his finger. “This is the only thing that is left of my family. This is the Choi clan’s ring. And I know I should probably hate them for leaving us, but I just somehow can’t.” He looked down on the ring that he kept safe no matter what.

“I get it, we never know the reasons behind people’s actions…” I said as I was playing with his ring.

 He nodded at that with a slight smile, then he turned serious again. “What about you? What happened in the water?” Now it was his time to caress my cheeks gently.

I took a slow, deep breath in, then exhaled, trying to gather my thoughts. "We were on vacation when my father lost control of the car… and we plunged straight into the ocean. I was the only one who survived. Not even my sister…"

Tears spilled down my face again. "I’ve been an orphan ever since. I was only six years old."

"I'm so sorry, Y/N. That must have been so difficult for you." He leaned his forehead against mine. "But I’m so proud of you for making it this far on your own."

He whispered the words so gently, and yet they made my heart race. Finally—someone who truly understood me.

"Can I kiss you properly?" He whispered, his face still close to mine as he smiled at me, his dimples showing sweetly.

"Yes, please," I whispered close to his lips, and he immediately sealed our lips together. It was the opposite of our first kiss. It was slow and passionate; he tasted so good I was afraid I might get addicted to him. His hands traveled down to my waist and gently pulled me closer to him, as my hands went up onto his wet hair. Our lips moved against the other slowly, trying to crave this moment into memory for life. I felt like my body was a firework, exploding into the clear and dark sky just to paint the sky colorful like our hearts that became whole after all the hard obstacles we ran through on our own, now it seemed we found the purpose of our lives as our lips danced together, not wanting to separate. But as I opened my mouth and his tongue met mine, it started to get faster and hungrier. The desire creeps throughout our bodies, one of his hands traveling up my body, ending up at my nape.

"Mhhmm…" He hummed as he separated from me with a frown, him realizing we both were soaked. "I didn't know it could be better, but you are going to catch a cold. Quickly into my room, Miss Kang!" He said playfully with a beaming smile, then he cupped my face with a serious face. "And if you want to talk about it, I am here for you, okay? Always." He said his voice low and caring. 

I nodded at that and then he pecked my lips once again, sealing the promise he made. That he was going to be by my side despite the demons I needed to fight with. My heart was pounding so fast that I felt like the whole world was hearing it. An emotion that I was so unfamiliar with hit me suddenly, the emotion I only felt when I was with my parents…Love and happiness.

3 years later

Left-right heartbeat left-right heartbeat left-right

            All I could hear were those two words as my right leg followed my left. My mind was blank; all I could focus on was not stumbling, ensuring I didn’t break the perfect synchrony of our steps. I tried to steady my breathing, willing my racing heart to slow down. Around me, my teammates wore the same serious expressions—dying inside, each of us dreading what awaited us.

We marched two abreast, straight into a battlefield soaked in blood and gunpowder. My eyes narrowed on the leader of our line—he was right beside me, his stance unwavering, determined to win a battle we barely had a chance of surviving.

From my left, his face was sharp in profile, his jaw clenched as he held his gun close. Somehow, he sensed my gaze. He tilted his head slightly to the left, and our eyes met. In that brief exchange, I saw determination laced with something bitter—an unspoken fear that we might never see each other again.

At that moment, the past three years flashed before my eyes. The struggles we endured. The first time he told me he loved me. The day I took him to my parents’ grave and introduced him to them. The happiest day of my life—when he proposed, and I said yes. And then, the day everything changed—the moment we were told we had to go to war, thrown into a world unraveling into chaos.

As we pushed forward, the chaos of battle engulfed us, but through the gunfire and screams, I found clarity. I realized that, in the end, it wasn't just about survival. It wasn’t about the battles we fought or the enemies we faced. It was about the person standing beside me, the one who saw me for who I truly was, the one I had never expected to find here, in this war-torn world.

He wasn't just my comrade in arms; he was my reason to keep fighting, my reason to keep breathing. Together, we would face whatever came next, no longer just soldiers— but two souls bound by something stronger than the chaos around us.

And in the midst of the storm, I understood: we weren’t just fighting for victory. We were fighting for each other, and in that, we had already won.

<Ateez masterlist>

[licityvibes]

MASTERLIST (Ateez and others)

©️licityvibes. Do not steal, plagiarize, translate, repost or use my works in any form.

✶ All works were written by me. They are pure fiction, and they do not depict the real characters of the mentioned members. (divider)

✭ bitter and sweet

✭ Black Rose

✭ Will I ever see you again? (series masterlist)

✭ The Night We Met (forget me not)

✭ Did I cross the line?

✭ Can You Hold Me?

✭ Whispers of The Darkened Mist

✭ Highway to Cloud Nine

☁︎ coming soon

☀︎ Demons of The Darkened Mist

☀︎ Destiny Awaits

❀ coming soon

♡⃤ Limitless (through the night)

♡⃤ Tempted (our little secret)

♡⃤ Guilty Pleasure ➜Part 2

♡⃤ Take Me Away

♡⃤ Thread The Needle

♫ coming soon

☾ Crashing Waves and Second Chances

ʕ·ᴥ·ʔ coming soon

SEVENTEEN MASTERLIST

Ready To Love

(divider)