Life take a dramatic turn for the worst, and when it does, you lose your smile, your self worth, you lose yourself. I spent the past year not knowing what I was doing. Spending days just floating around unaware, uncaring. I became so numb and defeated I just let people rule me. I woke up about two months ago, began doing things for myself, decided to distance myself from the toxic people I had been surrounded by. By doing that I lost so many people I thought were my friends. I moved away, moved into my own place by myself and became more tired than ever. I wept every single day. I felt so alone. Even the few people I kept near me had shown their true colors, slandering my name like the rest of them, taking to social media about my inability to carry...something so intimate and painful. The night I found out I tore apart every piece of art he made me and ended up cutting myself on the wood of his canvas and as I sat there I just let it bleed, thinking about how so many people abandoned me because I was not their puppet anymore. Suicide seemed like a happy thing. like the sight of a bed after weeks of insomnia. Last week I went to the doctor because things were so out of hand. He told me what I felt was valid, but the chemicals in my brain were off just like my mom and her mom. its in our DNA. I cried and cried because I didnt want to be sick, but I knew if I ignored this any longer I would not survive. Today I woke up and lazed around in bed for an hour checking up on the family listening to the kids outside my window as they play. I got out of bed and realized I wasnt crying anymore. I put on my Jhene Aiko and started cleaning dishes in the kitchen, feeling the sunlight on my shoulder, listening to those words, made me realize what I was doing. I am getting better. And thats the biggest blessing I could ever ask for
