#lifechangersinc

[lifechangersinc]

Wisdom teeth

I haven’t written a post on here for ages! But I think the medium is right--this is so much my adolescence, and today the last part of my adolescence was excavated from my mouth. 

The procedure for removing wisdom teeth is quick and painless. Within five minutes they were out of my gums and on a metal tray. Long, curved and white, like a sabre-toothed tiger’s. One with a balloon of liquid contained neatly in a sac around its feet. 

It’s incredible how quickly things can be taken from you, how they can leave holes. I choked on my own blood, tasted its iron tang, felt it trickle drop by drop down my throat, stomach slowly digesting myself. You’re not meant to drink your own blood. It felt unholy.  

I felt a little sad looking at them, forlorn and separate from me. Something that had been lodged inside me since birth was taken away, removed. Maybe it’s silly to be attached to something that had been hurting me for months on end, but they looked so vicious and strong, little porcelain knives stored in the sheath of my mouth. 

I wish I had asked the nurse to keep them; as my tongue explored the new abyss in my mouth, she briskly rolled them up in the blue dentist tissue and dropped them in the metal bin. I don’t know what I would have done with them. Maybe held them in my palm from time to time and marvelled at the odd wonder of my body. Maybe thrown them away myself.

[lifechangersinc]

I feel so lost. 

And haunted by things I don’t understand.

[lifechangersinc]

you know how i do this fun self sabotaging thing

where i pick fights with people i love and think about the worst possible outcomes to basically everything and put off work and be unproductive and eat junk food and stay indoors even though i know going swimming would be a phenomenal outlet and just fume and rage and feel like a little self-destructive demon and generally hate HATE myself 

why do i do that

[lifechangersinc]

i used to love doing these omg

If I were a month, I’d be August  
If I were a day of the week, I’d be Saturday 
If I were a god or a goddess, I’d be Athena 
If I were a verb, I’d be to swim If I were a sea animal, I’d be a dolphin 
If I were an object in a living room, I’d be a coffee table book 
If I were a gemstone, I’d be a topaz If I were a flower, I’d be an iris If I were a kind of weather I’d be a sunshower 
If I were a color, I’d be blue 
If I were an adjective, I’d be purposeful If I were a fruit, I’d be a plum 
If I were a sound, I’d be waves washing up on a beach If I were a hogwarts house, I’d be Gryffindor If I were an element, I’d be water 
If I were a taste, I’d be sweet If I were a scent, I’d be pears and flowers 
If I were an object, I’d be a book 
If I were a body part, I’d be the spaces between fingers and toes If I were a song, I’d be a prayer

Taggin y’all cause this is too fucking cute

@sudden-but-ineffable​ @flamingcabbage​ @yhiaban​ @andalltheyoungfolksiknew​ @cptdameron​ @heyitscherijoice​ @ohdeerlings​ @owlbeyourmessenger​ @musicsunandsmiles​ @daretoberadical​ @asuamagis​ @ivoirelys​ @karrots​ @hipstahellno​@rayrayland​ @colpodi-fulmine

[lifechangersinc]

i fucking love my words first family

would have been dead if it wasn’t for the poetry

[lifechangersinc]

i can’t feel anything

what is happening to me?

[lifechangersinc]

It was weird but satisfying. It’s good to know we’ve both moved on. I’m free!!!

[lifechangersinc]

Stay

There’s a song I’ve been playing on repeat today. It’s slow, boudoir, lonely, silk. It fits so right right now. 

I don’t know how to be with someone right now. I don’t know what love is anymore and I’m not being melodramatic. It’s not pure, not always. It’s not always about two people. It doesn’t always hurt. It doesn’t always heal, either. Love’s not the cure-all I thought it was. You can love someone so much you hate them. You can love someone and want to forget them, want to erase them, regret them, even. 

Intimacy: I don’t remember how to do that, either. All I remember is the feeling of wanting someone to stay. I don’t know how to accept someone’s kindness, someone’s feelings, without feeling like there’s some underlying intention, something that’s not to do with me at all. Like all someone wants my reflection and is content with touching the glass, doesn’t even know there’s a real corporeal thing. And I feel like I’m just the reflection, sometimes. Those moments where I’m not in my body, I’m numb and somewhere else, and whatever happens to it doesn’t have anything to do with me anymore. Three months of that. And it’s happening again, brain’s pulling back, leaves the silhouette to act shadow puppet.