I can still hear your voice in my head
and I remember the sound of your happiness and your unhappiness.
I can feel it in my body and I can remember what the shape of you felt like.
But.. where are you?
Ashes.. dust.
And that’s so difficult for me to wrap my brain around.
How could his body be so easy to.. destroy?
How could that huge.. kid, be so .. nothing?
What happened to his hair?
Where are his eyes?
Just like that, gone.
People don’t tell one another that they love them enough.
I really believe that all of the ignorance in the world is caused by a lack of love - from parents, friends, politicians, educators -
Some try to love without really knowing how,
but that wounds the person we love.
He was so much more than his body.
You know, I still don’t believe in bad people
I can’t believe that in a person’s entire life, they NEVER did anything good.
Or wanted to be good
Or made someone smile
Or changed someone’s life
Even if in the future they did terrible things
No one is ever, ever 100% bad
No, I just don’t believe in evil.
Or an evil person - a 100% evil anything?
What’s truly evil is ignorance.
But I have never met a truly evil person.
Adam was not 100% good.
No, I remember all the times he made me cry.
The times he screamed in my face.
The times he threw my things against the wall.
The times he slammed my door, or “accidentally” hit me.
The time he threatened to throw me down the stairs.
The time he tried to kill himself then told me that I was worthless and that he really didn’t love me.
But he said he only did that because he wanted me to hate him so he could kill himself easier.
And he didn’t really mean what he said.
But he still said what he said.
And it truly hurt.
And of course I remember how you told my roommate how you know she’s wanted you in the past and kissed her drunkenly in a bathroom.
How you swore that you didn’t remember that it happened in the morning. How you had a meltdown and apologized over and over again.
How when I brought up that it hurt me, you told me that you were going to kill yourself.
So I decided to stop saying that things hurt me.
Because he couldn’t handle it.
I loved him so much, I didn’t mind suffering sometimes because he would truly, truly hurt me.
Does that make me stupid?
I just wanted him to stay alive.
More than anything.
I remember the night of my last BabeRage show.
I had said something .. rude, to him , I guess, when he were driving in traffic. I said: “You just don’t know how to drive in traffic and that’s okay.” He really took offense to that.. and I was like “oh, shit, I just triggered an episode of his. why did I tell him that something he was doing was bothering me?” so I stayed with him in the car for the hour before our show, trying to calm him down. He just kept saying that he was going to go kill himself. He kept telling me to leave him, to go inside. But I told him that his life was more important to me, hands down. So I stubbornly made him come in with me, and he ended up feeling a lot better, I think. And later that night he said that I needed to be more kind to him because if I wasn’t he was going to kill himself.
I remember everything he did, with clarity.
But I also remember everything he did that made me so, so happy. I remember the kisses we shared where I literally asked him, “am I in heaven?” God I loved him so much. I remember all the beautiful words he wrote for me. The poems, and songs. The way he loved when I laid on top of him because that’s when he felt the closest to me. It hurts to remember those times, even more so than the trauma he caused me.
Life is endless healing and never feeling whole..
