Finny. I know we haven’ttalked in a while, but I’m going through some really crazy stuff right now, andI really could use someone to talk to. Call me back?
It started with one message.
Finn had elected to ignore it despite the worry that seemed to tug at his heart; he could remember other times that she’d reached out to him, and he’d talked her through it, held her through it all. With everything that he had learned over the years, he really had to stop and wonder how much of it had been real, and what had she invented?
Maddie was still a sore spot that he had kept hidden in the worst ways possible. He’d covered it up with drinking, with sex, with things that he knew were simply temporary fixes which would only fade and always too soon. Now she was a part of his life that he tried to ignore, thinking that if he just pretended it didn’t happen, it wouldn’t exist – like a child covering their eyes and believing they were invisible. He could ignore it all he wanted; she wouldn’t go away.
Finny, honey! I don’t know if you got my message or what. I got your number from a friend – I won’t say who – but they said I could reach you here. So I hope that you get this, and I hope that you call me back, because I really need someone to talk to, sweetie. I’m just not doing so well, you know?
He considered changing his number again, but Maddie was pretty adept at getting whatever she wanted from others; it was only a matter of time before she had his number again. He knew she was probably looking for another victim, and narcissists loved to revisit old flames, he’d read somewhere. He gave a small sigh as he backed out of his voicemail and fell back on his bed, staring up at the ceiling. What if there really was something wrong? What if she wasn’t just reaching out because of her need to feed off of other people – what if there was legitimately something wrong, and she truly needed someone to talk to?
The thought gnawed at him, causing him to wonder whether or not he was a bad person. But then he remembered his therapist saying that the best way to deal with her was just to ignore her; she would eventually leave him alone completely, if she thought she couldn’t get a good supply from him.
Or rather, it looks like you’re just avoiding me. Ok then. Just wanted to say, sorry for all the drama brought in by my own issues 13 months ago. I hope you are happier now. I would like to chat some time if you get a chance but it looks like you prefer to not speak to me. That is your choice. You know how to contact me if you ever want to…
And there it was. The guilt from feeling like he was neglecting her. He had almost forgotten what that felt like – the way that she could elicit that emotion so easily from him, and really, wasn’t this his own fault, anyway? He was the one ignoring her, after all. He could feel Mal watching him from inside the music room, so he hung up his phone and forced his goofy smile before making his way back inside.
“You looked pretty tense out there.” Mal commented, almost nonchalant, as she played around, striking random keys. Funny how she could just play, and it still sounded beautiful.
“Nah. Was just my mom.” Finn lied, shrugging as he plucked up the sheet music she was writing all over.
He used to do that a lot, too – lie. No, he didn’t want to hang out. Nah, he just didn’t feel like going out. Of course, he was happy. Why wouldn’t he be? No, she was such a sweet girl. Just a little high-maintenance. Lie after lie.
Look, I have no one else left to talk to. My family and basically everyone I know is too busy or have their own problems. Assuming you got my call, I would have hoped it would have been enough for at least a text. This whole situation leaves me with nothing but tears… I obviously misjudged how you would respond to my reaching out, so I am sorry for that, too. I’ll be around if one day you decide I am worth making a single call to… until then, I wish you well…
Shit, shit, shit. He could feel the ache in his chest – the one that reminded him that he was human, and that ignoring people and causing pain was not his forte. He didn’t know if he could hold out any longer. If she kept up this “I am so alone and you are the only person I can talk to” line, he wouldn’t be able to hold out because what if she really did need someone to talk to? What if this wasn’t just a ploy for attention or an inflation to her ego?
The anxiety was eating away at him again. If he ignored her for too long, would she seek him out? Would she ask someone where he was living now? Would she show up at his apartment with tears in her eyes, sobbing about how no one loved her? And Marley – god, Marley. He’d never even talked about Maddie with her. She probably wouldn’t even know how to react.
Still, he couldn’t bring himself to open up that door. Not to Maddie.
Please…? I really need to talk to someone… I would have preferred you screaming at me rather than completely stonewalling me like this… Maybe that’s the point? –sighs- Oh well. Hope you are doing well…
Finn let out a soft whimper at the profound sadness he could hear in her voice. Surely, that could not be faked, right? He tossed his phone down next to his books and rested his elbows on the desk, rubbing his hands over his face. Either she was a really sick person for doing this to him, or he was really sick for not helping someone reaching out to him.
Four and a half years had to mean something, right? When he thought back, it wasn’t all bad – just bits and pieces. All relationships were like that, weren’t they? Who was he to go and make a villain out of her, when she was just a young woman? They were kids, and they’d been stupid.
He reached out, picking up his phone and pulling up his contact list – scrolling down to “Mad.” He stared at the number, chewing on the inside of his cheek as he flipped back and forth. To call or not to call? How could something as simple as a phone call become so complicated? How could all of this cause so much guilt and shame in him?
The phone came to life in his hand, Mull Historical Society’s “Oh Mother” spilling through the speaker. He couldn’t help the smile that stretched across his face, and he answered the phone, the turmoil over Maddie forgotten for a little while, at least.
I guess I’m as good as dead to you. So be it.
She didn’t say it with any sort of sadness, as one might expect, but rather an indignation that she really only let you hear when she wanted to dig the knife in your back even deeper. A sort of “how dare you” that she was insanely good at – a talent most people wasn’t even aware that she had. Panic pinched his chest so that breathing became difficult, and he found himself attempting to gasp for breath. He reached over and turned the hot water in the shower on, while setting the phone down on the sink. He gripped the edges of the sink and he stared down into the drain, not really seeing it, but instead her face.
How did she still have this effect on him? How could she still stir these same feelings in him? Was her grip on him so tight that he could be so easily manipulated by her, still?
“Belly breathing.” Finn reminded himself as he straightened up, trying desperately to clear his head as he attempted the techniques he’d been taught for things like this. “So what if she’s calling you? She’s not here. You’re not with her. You owe her nothing.”
He glanced up into the mirror, the dark circles under his eyes catching his attention. “Look at what she’s doing to you, man. You’ve got bigger things to worry about. She doesn’t even matter anymore.”
Slowly, his breathing began to deepen, his body relaxing the slightest bit. The panic in his chest slowly ebbing away as he stood in the steaming bathroom and staring at himself in the partially fogged mirror. He had beat this once; he could do it again.
You know what? No. I’m alone now because of you. Fuck you. Whatever your reason for ignoring me, at least it gives me the final push to accept that being with you ever was one giant mistake which I then had to fight for years trying to fix. I am alone now. Some boyfriend. We have a great deal in common and yet you won’t even speak to me… You are a fake/lying person and I feel so stupid for ever falling for any of your shit. Part of me hopes that one day you will explain yourself and the other half of me thinks you’d just lie anyways so why bother? Never thought I would see you like this, but I guess that’s all part of learning. I would ask you- what was the point of it all? Why did you ever even pretend to care about me, to make me feel special? If you gave me an answer, would it even be true or would it just be whatever you think is the safest thing for me to hear? I don’t think there is an answer that would make me feel any better, anyways. Am I not entertaining enough for you, anymore? Is your play time fulfilled, so why talk to this girl? When I say I wanted to talk I really and truly just wanted to talk. I really had no one else to talk to, and that is still the case. Perhaps when I think about how much we held in common and how much we enjoyed talking to each other I must too just tell myself that that was just a game to too. Temporary entertainment for you. Nothing more? It seems so, and it makes me ill. I hope it was fucking worth it.
“Finn?” Mal dropped her bag next to the door and crossed the room to drop to her knees in front of him. He didn’t even realize that he was crying until she reached for the box of tissues on top of the piano, grabbing one and dabbing at his cheeks.
He took the box from her, suddenly embarrassed and wiped at his own face, hardly able to believe that he was even letting himself get this upset over it all. Maddie was the master manipulator, and he knew this. She enjoyed getting a rise out of people, feeding off of their emotions. Faking the guilt that she couldn’t feel, and then becoming angry and spiteful and childish when she couldn’t get the reaction that she wanted.
He should have known better than to keep listening to the messages. Maybe he should have just changed his damn number after all. It would have been a lot easier than all of the emotional tug-of-war he’d been feeling since that first call.
God, she had a way, didn’t she?
“I’m fine. It’s fine.” Finn told Mal, when he finally found his voice again. He paused for a moment before looking down at her, and with a sigh and a pause, he asked, “Do you think I’m a bad person?”
“What?” She asked, an incredulous laugh escaping her. The amused look quickly fell from her face when she realized he was asking this question seriously. She lifted out of her kneeling position before him and sat down on the piano bench next to him, putting an arm around his shoulder. “Finn Hudson, you are the least bad person I know. And that’s a really nice thing to say considering you made the worst first impression ever. Ever.”
Finn started laughing, covering his face with his hands as he shook his head. Mal began to laugh, too, resting her forehead on his shoulder, and within moments, they were both doubled over in laughter, faces bright red. Finn gasped for breath – in the good kind of way, this time – as he struggled to stop laughing, but he only succeeded in falling over and off of the piano bench. Mal began laughing even harder, pointing at Finn and covering her face with her other hand.
Nearly ten minutes had passed before either of them had calmed down enough to talk, and by that time, they were both sprawled out next to each other on the hardwood floor, Mal’s head at Finn’s feet. She turned on her side, propping her head up on her elbow, and Finn propped his arms behind his head with a sigh.
“So is this about she-who-must-not-be-named?” Mal asked, concerned, but also trying to keep things light.
“Mm. She’s been leaving me a lot of messages. Generally making me feel like a shitty person. Laying the guilt on pretty thick.” Finn answered, staring up at the ceiling while he talked.
“Yeah, well, fuck her.” Mal said, like she usually did about anyone she didn’t like when they did something shitty. Finn smiled at that, thankful to any cosmic force that existed that Mal was one of his friends. She didn’t even truly know the full story behind Maddie, but she knew enough to know that she should just blindly hate her for Finn, because that’s what friends did.
“Yeah. Fuck her.” Finn answered, relief flooding through him as the realization struck that she was simply trying to use him again. There was no problem. She would be fine, and he just needed to ignore her existence. Sure, she might pop in again someday, but he was just going to keep on ignoring her because falling under her sick, twisted spell was only going to cause all of that healing to be undone, and he didn’t want that.
He sat up, propping his arms behind him to hold his upper body up as he looked down at Mal, who sprawled back out on her back, giggling. He grinned as he asked, “So how’s that piece going?”
Everything was going to be just fine.
