Shade Number Three: NON-SMOKER.
'Love me, love me, say that you love me' - 'Lovefool' by The Cardigans from the album 'First Band on the Moon'
Oh dear.
This shade of Jai isn't true at all.
Let me rephrase that.
This shade of Jai isn't true.... YET.
Not many people know this story, in fact I don't think anyone that wasn't there this night, knows that this is how it began at all.
I was 19 years old at the time. Foolish, ridiculously impressionable, oblivious to how the world works and poorly dressed. I was also head over heels in lurrrrrrrve.
It was a cold winters night in 2008 and I had spent all day shopping for something cool to wear, after all, that night I was going out with the coolest boy I had met in my life so far and all his super cool friends.
There I was in my acid washed jeans, my fitted white tee and a Wayne Cooper jacket that I had spent half my pay check on. I must have looked terrible! Ewwww!
We were in this awful, dirty night club and I was trying my best to stay cool, so I didn't have to take my fugly jacket off. I was so nervous and I kept playing with the sides of my shaved head, mostly because I liked feeling the buzzed hair against my hand, but also to make sure I wasn't sweating.
Perspiration is grounds for annihilation.
He was so calm and collected, surrounded by all these people that I thought were the social elite. Brisbane didn't come much cooler than these four people.
He smiled at me, flashing this mouth of pearly white perfection and then offered me a puff of his cigarette.
Ughhhhhh, I was such a loser! Why didn't I just say no?
I was so shy back then, I shook my head and stared at the ground. I was praying that he wouldn't ask me again! Praying that his cool friends wouldn't pay me out for not smoking with them.
Then he sat down beside me and I felt his arm on my shoulder.
Eeeeeeek. Eeeeek. Eeeeeek.
He looked me straight in the eye and flashed those damn perfect teeth again.
'C'mon, just one puff'
I giggled nervously and tried to turn my attention onto something else.
'Inhale it, then breathe it into your lungs and then just breathe it out again' his rake thin friend said.
I took the cigarette from his hand, desperate for him to think I was cool!
Ughhhh, retelling this story is killing me.
I took it between my lips and thought to myself 'DO NOT FUCK THIS UP'.
They all stared at me in anticipation, the good little kid in the ugly jacket, about to smoke for the first time.
I breathed it in, felt the smoke go into my lungs and breathed it straight back out, watching the smoke leave my lips and out.
Yesssss. I am like a cool kid from the movies.
'Good job' he said and his arm stayed around my shoulder as he carried on the conversation he was having with his friends.
Now that I am older, I'm absolutely disgusted, but at that time, I thought I was the coolest mingah on the block.
I had my spunky man friend, my Wayne Cooper jacket and I felt like I had made the transition into 'cool adult' by smoking a cigarette.
SO UGLY.
At first I only smoked when he was around. Eventually, I picked up the habit myself. Socially at first, then they became a part of my routine.
I would never smoke at work because I hated the smell on other people and I didn't want to be in the shop reeking of death.
But afterwards, I would come home and sit on the deck with a glass of wine and a cigarette reflecting on my day.
I always said to myself that I would quit whenever I felt like it, but this has proven to be harder than I thought.
Smoking has become a bit of a vice for me. When I am stressed, I light up. When I am bored, I light up. When I can't be bothered eating anything, you guessed it, I light up.
I decided to look into the health effects of smoking, but I already knew what I would find.
There are basics that everyone knows, due to some fantastic marketing by various corporations.
'Every cigarette is doing you damage'
'Second hand smoke kills'
'Smoking is the major contributing factor in lung cancer'
'Smoking can lead to blindness'
Yet still I find myself unafraid to light up.
Now that I am older and maybe not that much wiser, but smart enough to know better, it is time for me to give up the ciggies for real.
Jai, smoking is killing you.
The smoke you are inhaling, is slowly eating away at your lungs and your body.
We all have our demons, but this is one that I have allowed to stay with me. But a demon is still a monster and maybe that monster won't kill me today, but if I let it stay with me, eventually it will.
My friends want to run a 10km marathon and I don't want to do it with them because I know that 6 years of smoking (and my love of burgers) has helped reduce my fitness levels to the point where I don't think I can do it.
So now is the time.
I'm not that silly little kid anymore. I don't have anything to prove anymore by smoking, but the sad thing is, I didn't have anything to prove in the beginning either. There's not much I can do about what happened back then, but when time machines are invented, I'll go back and slap that cigarette out of my hand and light that jacket on fire.
This is an addiction that I have given to myself by being too weak willed, many years ago.
Today I put on the jacket and after being wildly impressed that it still fit, I looked in the mirror.
'No more'
I tossed half a pack in the bin and made the commitment to myself. I don't want to do this anymore. This is an unhealthy habit and now I am going to break it.
I smiled to myself as I hung that ugly jacket back up on my rack. I can't call myself a non-smoker yet, but just like the journey to figure out what you want in life, it all begins with a commitment and even the smallest little step.
The only thing I'm lighting up from now on is your life! Xxxx
'With a taste of a poison paradise, I'm addicted to you, don't you know that you're toxic?' - 'Toxic' by Britney Spears from the album 'In the Zone'