5 Things You Probably Shouldn't Say On A First Date
ft. Yandere FIXER Team
• Crash, Duke, Izzy, Lilly, Peanut, Pops, Target, Wes[ley] •
🅨🅐🅝. 🅒🅡🅐🅢🅗
#1 “ I guess I can stand your presence enough to go out on a date with you. ”
#2 “ You're safe with me―forever. ”
#3 “ At first, I thought you were an irritant like the rest, but it's nice to enjoy someone's voice that isn't over the radio. ”
#4 “ You really should stop hanging around so many people. They don't care about you. I'm only telling you this- because I do... care... about you. ”
#5 “ I-I love you. ”
🅨🅐🅝. 🅓🅤🅚🅔
#1 “ You, me, plus a bottle of alcohol equals body shots. ”
#2 “ Let's go play one of my favorite games: "throwing explosives at people we don't like." ”
#3 “ Not more drunk than usual. Then again, your very presence seems to intoxicate me. ”
#4 “ Fuck, fuck, fuck! Why does someone or something always have to interrupt our time together? Sometimes I wish I could just blow up everything except us so we could get some much-needed alone time. ”
#5 “ You should totally let me pretend to kidnap you. I'm pretty good at Shibari, if you were worried. ”
🅨🅐🅝. 🅘🅩🅩🅨
#1 “ Clearly, you have not found my fanfictions about us, or you wouldn't be here right now. ”
#2 “ You know I'd break my perfect record―break someone―for you. ”
#3 “ Yeah, I wouldn't worry. I don't think any of your exes are going to live long enough to bother you. ”
#4 “ I'm not trying to control you! I'm just saying... hanging out with the other dumbasses around here is a waste of your time, especially Crash. ”
#5 “ I may have taken a peak at your browser history. ”
🅨🅐🅝. 🅛🅘🅛🅛🅨
#1 “ You're so much prettier up close. I'm used to only seeing you... uh, haha―used to only seeing your armor. ” (Lilly is only used to seeing you without armor when she watches you sleep at night.)
#2 “ I got you flowers. You wouldn't believe how many people I had to threaten to get some good ones. ”
#3 “ Oh, it's okay. You aren't entitled to care about me or anything. I just thought you'd be more happy to see me. ”
#4 “ There's something about you that I've become quite enamored with. It almost scares me how much I love you. ... Sorry, did I come off as too strong? ”
#5 “ I think I don't want you to ever leave me. ”
🅨🅐🅝. 🅟🅔🅐🅝🅤🅣
#1 “ Can we like... hug in bed? Or is that too soon? ”
#2 “ No, no! Don't eat that. I poison- I mean... put spices in it that you won't like. That food is for Target. ”
#3 “ You're amazing! Like, more amazing than that one time I stabbed a dude because he was looking at you all weird. ”
#4 “ Tehe, you make the Nutman super happy-angry-love sick. ”
#5 “ We should totally read my newest story together! It's called Everyone Dies But Peanut And Darling And They Live Happily Ever After. ”
🅨🅐🅝. 🅟🅞🅟🅢
#1 “ What's your ring size? ”
#2 “ You make me feel like a young man who popped his first boner. ”
#3 “ I've made a lot of bad choices in my life. I think stalking you was the best one, by far. ”
#4 “ Ah, I wouldn't worry. I'll protect ya. Just point em' out to me, and they'll be taken care of. ”
#5 “ What is your stance on kidnapping? More accurately, [what is your stance on] being kidnapped? ”
🅨🅐🅝. 🅣🅐🅡🅖🅔🅣
#1 “ Would you like to see the album of pictures I have taken of you? The one where you're drooling in your sleep is really cute. ”
#2 “ You want me to stop cooking for you? Why? I-I know it's not the best, but it isn't like I've been drugging the food or anything! Blame Peanut. He taught me. ”
#3 “ Mhm, you're kinda like a fish: cool, slippery, and one hell of a catch. ”
#4 “ Yeah, I wouldn't say I'm a violent man, but my family, especially my father, always taught me to protect what I love. So, I'd kill for you if I needed to, but I don't think I'd enjoy it very much. ”
#5 “ You're so pretty. You'd be perfect for getting taxidermied. ”
🅨🅐🅝. 🅦🅔🅢🅛🅔🅨
#1 “ Please, don't become another one of my patients. ”
#2 “ It's just a small tracking chip. The implantation won't hurt―that much. ”
#3 “ Well, I generally like to know my partners for more than just their medical history and my personal research. ”
#4 “ I'm going to need a few vials of your blood... medic reasons. ”
#5 “ You are quite possibly the least stupid person I have met in a long, long time. For my sanity, stay in this forsaken unit with me. ”
cw(s): emotional instability and insecurity (characters), mention of disordered eating (Lilly), dealing with non-descript trauma and anxiety (Target), mention of possible self-harm (reader under Wes's section)
🅨🅐🅝. 🅒🅡🅐🅢🅗
He's one of the few that is adamant about leaving you be. Finally, a competent team member that doesn't seek out his presence―in fact, may be revolted by it. His obsessiveness simmers, put on a back burner on low. As the suns pass into moons and the weeks stretch to months, he can't help but grow inquisitive. In the beginning he cherished the solace, but now he queries himself.
You do your job, then hide yourself away in your quarters.
You don't even so much as spare him a glance.
Is there something wrong with him?
A flaw he has that's so repulsive to you?
The soldier's mind breeds irascibility if he is separated from you for too long. You ease his solicitude in a way he didn't expect. He requests Pops to put him on guard duty at the same time(s) as you. The rest of team shares a similar sentiment, but he's the most suited for the sentry position (second to you, of course). That means he gets the privilege of trying to engage with you more often.
He's intimidated, naturally, but persistent. He clumsily tries to imitate you, looking for a weakness he can exploit. He despises this feeling that has snuck past his walls and has dominated his heart.
Shit. He's attached now.
🅨🅐🅝. 🅓🅤🅚🅔
He's told to be on his best behavior, as their new team member is one of the practically holy Spartans. He thinks it's a joke at first. Is whoever's in command so amateurish that they misplace such a battle-hardened hero? He half expects some rookie to show up. Not that they need any more of those.
He's plenty smashed when he first sees you and nearly thinks he's dreaming.
That armor makes you look so hot. He's immediately got an interest in you, but below his immature facade, he can't help but grapple with his own inadequacy.
He respects you after you put him on his ass in less than a second flat because he tried to flirt with you. He doesn't learn his lesson. He loves being manhandled by you in a way that definitely wounds his pride.
You seem to have a certain distaste for his brazenness. He couldn't care less. He's an acquired taste. One he's intent on acquainting you with. You're giving him attention, positive or not. He's dialed up his Duke-ish-ness just to get you to spare him a moment more of your time. He's even thrown up on your armor and then apologized, albeit not entirely sincerely.
He makes a fool out of himself because that's the only thing he knows how to do. That's the only thing he believes himself good for.
🅨🅐🅝. 🅘🅩🅩🅨
Woah.
Your kind―Spartans―are a big reason as to why she joined the military. Seeing one in the flesh, or at least armor, has her practically falling over her feet to get a look at you. She tries to keep it together but ultimately fails. She can't help but fangirl as she checks your armor and helps you run a diagnostic, connecting you to the base so you have access to the information they have.
She's never actually met a smart AI before and is amazed at how they are nothing like SAMMIE. She's jealous that some set of code gets to know you most intimately and not her. She'd love to hack into your armor and place her own devices within it to be able to track you, but she isn't skilled enough to fool your AI, or you, for that matter.
She vehemently hopes that the strange goings-on at the base and surrounding it affect your armor so you have to come to her. She'll drop whatever she's doing and tend to you. Her snippy demeanor softens, and she's kinder in personality, almost more childish in her wonder of you.
She knew of the hand sign of the Spartan smile and was determined, if not a nervous wreck, to attempt to replicate it with you.
The internet is begging to be put out of its misery due to the amount of bandwidth she has consumed researching Spartans, your record, and compiling a multitude of files solely on you.
🅨🅐🅝. 🅛🅘🅛🅛🅨
Similar to Izzy, Spartans were and are a prominent force in her military life. She lives, trains, and believes that one day, maybe she could be something worth as much as a Spartan. She's been exultant since you've joined, more prolific. She always greets you with a smile, her visor obstructing her face, and a lively tone.
She knows you're a super serious badass, but everyone needs a little positivity in their life!
She's almost too innocent in her actions to be a yandere. That is, to the untrained eye. Overly friendly, yes, but sinister? Most would say no. You know better. Although you're uncertain if she is aware that her infatuation with you is obvious.
She'll be graced by your "kindness" because of her well-intentioned habit of overworking herself. Her rest time vacillates, rapidly deteriorating after you join because of her proclivity to impress you. Even though Spartans are a tight-knit circle, this unit was your new family―your new mission―for better or for worse. So, having a fellow soldier not taking adequate care of themselves is unacceptable. Every member needs to be in a condition to fight.
It's just that you've seen many of your own pushed past their limits and temporarily broken only to quickly bounce back. Regular marines don't have that ability. The all too abundant, blood-tainted memories of soldiers losing their lives at your side come to mind.
Perhaps that's why so many on the team harbor a thinly veiled resentment for Lilly. She gets (some of) your attention as you semi-regularly inquire about her well-being, even going as far as to share some of your rations with her when she has "forgotten" to eat once again.
🅨🅐🅝. 🅟🅔🅐🅝🅤🅣
You're so cool! He always voices those sentiments so wholeheartedly.
You may be caught off guard by those proclamations because, despite your numerous military awards, you have never received praise so honest. There is little to no secrecy on his end. It isn't manipulation. He simply admires you and makes sure you know it.
He makes a main character in his new book based on you. Then he infodumps about the book and how it has a love interest called the Nutman.
You can put two and two together.
He knows you aren't a big fan of physical touch, but he can't help but try to cling to you. Shove him off, and he'll pout but scramble back up. Please don't complain to HR about him! Or Pops, Wesley, Crash, or pretty much anyone. He doesn't want to be scolded. He just wants to be near you!
He really, really, really wants to personalize your suit as a possession thing. He'd love to stick stickers on you, draw things on the armor plates, and place lipstick kisses on your helmet visor. He wants to make you more Peanut.
Everyone deserves a Peanut in their life. He'll be yours!
🅨🅐🅝. 🅟🅞🅟🅢
You're his subordinate, technically speaking, but you're far superior to him in many aspects. He feels like he has found someone he can relate to: a rare thing indeed. There is a silent but shared, sacred understanding between two people who have seen far too much and had too little support. He's the closest to one of your own that you have on this team.
The first time you showed real trust in him, using both hands to point at him, turning your hand to point to yourself, and then nodding at your destination―the cover me signal―was when he was hooked. Covering your six is one of the most treasured memories he now has. He has the trust of a Spartan. A Spartan is letting him in, just a little.
Perhaps he can guide you into being more than a soldier. Your personality. It's hidden beneath all that armor. He knows. He was once the same way.
His authority seems to fall flat in terms of intimidation and isolation. You already do that pretty well yourself. Now he just needs to break you down a bit and build you up better, with him at your side.
🅨🅐🅝. 🅣🅐🅡🅖🅔🅣
Oh. He's seen your kind before. Once. When he was much younger. The recollection that surfaces inside his mind isn't quite one he likes. Spartans always seem to be bad omens. They aren't inherently bad. They bring protection from slaughter, but they are a sign that slaughter is coming nonetheless. So surely a few screws have been loosened around here, and you've come to clean up a mess that hasn't yet fully unfurled.
He's cordial with you, if not a bit uncomfortable. You don't respond well to his friendliness, or at all. It's like attempting to make communication with a species whose language he can't speak. He managed to crack through Crash's shell, so maybe he'll be able to do the same with you. Yours is just thicker, surely.
He's jumpy and nervous around you. It's like trying to calm a catatonic rookie. And that isn't exactly your specialty. He can barely get a word in edgewise before you're creating distance so you don't send him into a tizzy.
He eventually falls into the foreground. He's a predator who has just learned that he has claws. His nervousness turns into an eerie concentration. There's just something about you he likes a little too much.
🅨🅐🅝. 🅦🅔🅢🅛🅔🅨
You're an agglomeration of difficulty. He doesn't have to worry about you dying, but Spartans are notoriously stubborn and injury-prone. That headache quickly transforms into a heart palpitation when he sees you unarmored for your introductory health check.
He has never had the pleasure of medically treating a Spartan. You're an ideal specimen and more compliant than he thought, but your myriad of war scars are worrisome. He can't help but be leery. Some appear to be surgical scars. Odd. They are faint. Clearly the operation's aftereffects were meant to be, for all intents and purposes, hidden. He can't help but wonder, are any self-inflicted?
He's a medic. It's in his nature to look for the full picture. Your files are mostly redacted, and even being your new primary care medic, the UNSC and ONI operatives were less than eager to give him even a snippet of your medical history.
A single piece in one too many of a puzzle he can't begin to put together. He must find more, study you more. Even with your inscrutable face, he can tell you have a prejudice against medics. Your body betrays your face: abnormally taut muscles and elevated vitals, even when adjusting to the norm of Spartan measurements, or so what little information he has tells him.
He almost wants you to get injured so he can interact with you again. Maybe he can even get something out of you, like words that are more than sparse, predetermined responses.
