5 Things You Probably Shouldn't Say On A First Date
ft. Yandere FIXER Team
โข Crash, Duke, Izzy, Lilly, Peanut, Pops, Target, Wes[ley] โข
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#1 โ I guess I can stand your presence enough to go out on a date with you. โ
#2 โ You're safe with meโforever. โ
#3 โ At first, I thought you were an irritant like the rest, but it's nice to enjoy someone's voice that isn't over the radio. โ
#4 โ You really should stop hanging around so many people. They don't care about you. I'm only telling you this- because I do... care... about you. โ
#5 โ I-I love you. โ
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#1 โ You, me, plus a bottle of alcohol equals body shots. โ
#2 โ Let's go play one of my favorite games: "throwing explosives at people we don't like." โ
#3 โ Not more drunk than usual. Then again, your very presence seems to intoxicate me. โ
#4 โ Fuck, fuck, fuck! Why does someone or something always have to interrupt our time together? Sometimes I wish I could just blow up everything except us so we could get some much-needed alone time. โ
#5 โ You should totally let me pretend to kidnap you. I'm pretty good at Shibari, if you were worried. โ
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#1 โ Clearly, you have not found my fanfictions about us, or you wouldn't be here right now. โ
#2 โ You know I'd break my perfect recordโbreak someoneโfor you. โ
#3 โ Yeah, I wouldn't worry. I don't think any of your exes are going to live long enough to bother you. โ
#4 โ I'm not trying to control you! I'm just saying... hanging out with the other dumbasses around here is a waste of your time, especially Crash. โ
#5 โ I may have taken a peak at your browser history. โ
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#1 โ You're so much prettier up close. I'm used to only seeing you... uh, hahaโused to only seeing your armor. โ (Lilly is only used to seeing you without armor when she watches you sleep at night.)
#2 โ I got you flowers. You wouldn't believe how many people I had to threaten to get some good ones. โ
#3 โ Oh, it's okay. You aren't entitled to care about me or anything. I just thought you'd be more happy to see me. โ
#4 โ There's something about you that I've become quite enamored with. It almost scares me how much I love you. ... Sorry, did I come off as too strong? โ
#5 โ I think I don't want you to ever leave me. โ
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#1 โ Can we like... hug in bed? Or is that too soon? โ
#2 โ No, no! Don't eat that. I poison- I mean... put spices in it that you won't like. That food is for Target. โ
#3 โ You're amazing! Like, more amazing than that one time I stabbed a dude because he was looking at you all weird. โ
#4 โ Tehe, you make the Nutman super happy-angry-love sick. โ
#5 โ We should totally read my newest story together! It's called Everyone Dies But Peanut And Darling And They Live Happily Ever After. โ
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#1 โ What's your ring size? โ
#2 โ You make me feel like a young man who popped his first boner. โ
#3 โ I've made a lot of bad choices in my life. I think stalking you was the best one, by far. โ
#4 โ Ah, I wouldn't worry. I'll protect ya. Just point em' out to me, and they'll be taken care of. โ
#5 โ What is your stance on kidnapping? More accurately, [what is your stance on] being kidnapped? โ
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#1 โ Would you like to see the album of pictures I have taken of you? The one where you're drooling in your sleep is really cute. โ
#2 โ You want me to stop cooking for you? Why? I-I know it's not the best, but it isn't like I've been drugging the food or anything! Blame Peanut. He taught me. โ
#3 โ Mhm, you're kinda like a fish: cool, slippery, and one hell of a catch. โ
#4 โ Yeah, I wouldn't say I'm a violent man, but my family, especially my father, always taught me to protect what I love. So, I'd kill for you if I needed to, but I don't think I'd enjoy it very much. โ
#5 โ You're so pretty. You'd be perfect for getting taxidermied. โ
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#1 โ Please, don't become another one of my patients. โ
#2 โ It's just a small tracking chip. The implantation won't hurtโthat much. โ
#3 โ Well, I generally like to know my partners for more than just their medical history and my personal research. โ
#4 โ I'm going to need a few vials of your blood... medic reasons. โ
#5 โ You are quite possibly the least stupid person I have met in a long, long time. For my sanity, stay in this forsaken unit with me. โ
cw(s): emotional instability and insecurity (characters), mention of disordered eating (Lilly), dealing with non-descript trauma and anxiety (Target), mention of possible self-harm (reader under Wes's section)
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He's one of the few that is adamant about leaving you be. Finally, a competent team member that doesn't seek out his presenceโin fact, may be revolted by it. His obsessiveness simmers, put on a back burner on low. As the suns pass into moons and the weeks stretch to months, he can't help but grow inquisitive. In the beginning he cherished the solace, but now he queries himself.
You do your job, then hide yourself away in your quarters.
You don't even so much as spare him a glance.
Is there something wrong with him?
A flaw he has that's so repulsive to you?
The soldier's mind breeds irascibility if he is separated from you for too long. You ease his solicitude in a way he didn't expect. He requests Pops to put him on guard duty at the same time(s) as you. The rest of team shares a similar sentiment, but he's the most suited for the sentry position (second to you, of course). That means he gets the privilege of trying to engage with you more often.
He's intimidated, naturally, but persistent. He clumsily tries to imitate you, looking for a weakness he can exploit. He despises this feeling that has snuck past his walls and has dominated his heart.
Shit. He's attached now.
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He's told to be on his best behavior, as their new team member is one of the practically holy Spartans. He thinks it's a joke at first. Is whoever's in command so amateurish that they misplace such a battle-hardened hero? He half expects some rookie to show up. Not that they need any more of those.
He's plenty smashed when he first sees you and nearly thinks he's dreaming.
That armor makes you look so hot. He's immediately got an interest in you, but below his immature facade, he can't help but grapple with his own inadequacy.
He respects you after you put him on his ass in less than a second flat because he tried to flirt with you. He doesn't learn his lesson. He loves being manhandled by you in a way that definitely wounds his pride.
You seem to have a certain distaste for his brazenness. He couldn't care less. He's an acquired taste. One he's intent on acquainting you with. You're giving him attention, positive or not. He's dialed up his Duke-ish-ness just to get you to spare him a moment more of your time. He's even thrown up on your armor and then apologized, albeit not entirely sincerely.
He makes a fool out of himself because that's the only thing he knows how to do. That's the only thing he believes himself good for.
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Woah.
Your kindโSpartansโare a big reason as to why she joined the military. Seeing one in the flesh, or at least armor, has her practically falling over her feet to get a look at you. She tries to keep it together but ultimately fails. She can't help but fangirl as she checks your armor and helps you run a diagnostic, connecting you to the base so you have access to the information they have.
She's never actually met a smart AI before and is amazed at how they are nothing like SAMMIE. She's jealous that some set of code gets to know you most intimately and not her. She'd love to hack into your armor and place her own devices within it to be able to track you, but she isn't skilled enough to fool your AI, or you, for that matter.
She vehemently hopes that the strange goings-on at the base and surrounding it affect your armor so you have to come to her. She'll drop whatever she's doing and tend to you. Her snippy demeanor softens, and she's kinder in personality, almost more childish in her wonder of you.
She knew of the hand sign of the Spartan smile and was determined, if not a nervous wreck, to attempt to replicate it with you.
The internet is begging to be put out of its misery due to the amount of bandwidth she has consumed researching Spartans, your record, and compiling a multitude of files solely on you.
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Similar to Izzy, Spartans were and are a prominent force in her military life. She lives, trains, and believes that one day, maybe she could be something worth as much as a Spartan. She's been exultant since you've joined, more prolific. She always greets you with a smile, her visor obstructing her face, and a lively tone.
She knows you're a super serious badass, but everyone needs a little positivity in their life!
She's almost too innocent in her actions to be a yandere. That is, to the untrained eye. Overly friendly, yes, but sinister? Most would say no. You know better. Although you're uncertain if she is aware that her infatuation with you is obvious.
She'll be graced by your "kindness" because of her well-intentioned habit of overworking herself. Her rest time vacillates, rapidly deteriorating after you join because of her proclivity to impress you. Even though Spartans are a tight-knit circle, this unit was your new familyโyour new missionโfor better or for worse. So, having a fellow soldier not taking adequate care of themselves is unacceptable. Every member needs to be in a condition to fight.
It's just that you've seen many of your own pushed past their limits and temporarily broken only to quickly bounce back. Regular marines don't have that ability. The all too abundant, blood-tainted memories of soldiers losing their lives at your side come to mind.
Perhaps that's why so many on the team harbor a thinly veiled resentment for Lilly. She gets (some of) your attention as you semi-regularly inquire about her well-being, even going as far as to share some of your rations with her when she has "forgotten" to eat once again.
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You're so cool! He always voices those sentiments so wholeheartedly.
You may be caught off guard by those proclamations because, despite your numerous military awards, you have never received praise so honest. There is little to no secrecy on his end. It isn't manipulation. He simply admires you and makes sure you know it.
He makes a main character in his new book based on you. Then he infodumps about the book and how it has a love interest called the Nutman.
You can put two and two together.
He knows you aren't a big fan of physical touch, but he can't help but try to cling to you. Shove him off, and he'll pout but scramble back up. Please don't complain to HR about him! Or Pops, Wesley, Crash, or pretty much anyone. He doesn't want to be scolded. He just wants to be near you!
He really, really, really wants to personalize your suit as a possession thing. He'd love to stick stickers on you, draw things on the armor plates, and place lipstick kisses on your helmet visor. He wants to make you more Peanut.
Everyone deserves a Peanut in their life. He'll be yours!
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You're his subordinate, technically speaking, but you're far superior to him in many aspects. He feels like he has found someone he can relate to: a rare thing indeed. There is a silent but shared, sacred understanding between two people who have seen far too much and had too little support. He's the closest to one of your own that you have on this team.
The first time you showed real trust in him, using both hands to point at him, turning your hand to point to yourself, and then nodding at your destinationโthe cover me signalโwas when he was hooked. Covering your six is one of the most treasured memories he now has. He has the trust of a Spartan. A Spartan is letting him in, just a little.
Perhaps he can guide you into being more than a soldier. Your personality. It's hidden beneath all that armor. He knows. He was once the same way.
His authority seems to fall flat in terms of intimidation and isolation. You already do that pretty well yourself. Now he just needs to break you down a bit and build you up better, with him at your side.
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Oh. He's seen your kind before. Once. When he was much younger. The recollection that surfaces inside his mind isn't quite one he likes. Spartans always seem to be bad omens. They aren't inherently bad. They bring protection from slaughter, but they are a sign that slaughter is coming nonetheless. So surely a few screws have been loosened around here, and you've come to clean up a mess that hasn't yet fully unfurled.
He's cordial with you, if not a bit uncomfortable. You don't respond well to his friendliness, or at all. It's like attempting to make communication with a species whose language he can't speak. He managed to crack through Crash's shell, so maybe he'll be able to do the same with you. Yours is just thicker, surely.
He's jumpy and nervous around you. It's like trying to calm a catatonic rookie. And that isn't exactly your specialty. He can barely get a word in edgewise before you're creating distance so you don't send him into a tizzy.
He eventually falls into the foreground. He's a predator who has just learned that he has claws. His nervousness turns into an eerie concentration. There's just something about you he likes a little too much.
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You're an agglomeration of difficulty. He doesn't have to worry about you dying, but Spartans are notoriously stubborn and injury-prone. That headache quickly transforms into a heart palpitation when he sees you unarmored for your introductory health check.
He has never had the pleasure of medically treating a Spartan. You're an ideal specimen and more compliant than he thought, but your myriad of war scars are worrisome. He can't help but be leery. Some appear to be surgical scars. Odd. They are faint. Clearly the operation's aftereffects were meant to be, for all intents and purposes, hidden. He can't help but wonder, are any self-inflicted?
He's a medic. It's in his nature to look for the full picture. Your files are mostly redacted, and even being your new primary care medic, the UNSC and ONI operatives were less than eager to give him even a snippet of your medical history.
A single piece in one too many of a puzzle he can't begin to put together. He must find more, study you more. Even with your inscrutable face, he can tell you have a prejudice against medics. Your body betrays your face: abnormally taut muscles and elevated vitals, even when adjusting to the norm of Spartan measurements, or so what little information he has tells him.
He almost wants you to get injured so he can interact with you again. Maybe he can even get something out of you, like words that are more than sparse, predetermined responses.
He's the classic "he acts like he hates you but sticks to you like glue." He's constantly chastising you, murmuring about how you're the worst out of all of them. (Worst because you're the only one that makes him out of breath by just looking at your armor.) It's ironic because you're the only one allowed in the watchtower with him as he listens to the radio. He actually prefers your voice to the radio. It's a first for him, and he hates it.
He can't believe he managed to fall in love at the most inopportune time, in the least romantic place, around the worst kinds of people. He's lovestruck, like some military cupid ordered an arrow right into his heart.
He needs to keep you safe. He wants downtime and peace, naturally, but you're part of that reason. If he lost you, he doesn't know what he'd doโprobably kill Duke. There's an 80% chance Duke would have a hand in your death, accidentally, of course. It's just that you can't have Crash attached to you like some foreign parasite and not get mixed up in Duke's crossfire (aka his shenanigans, aka his damning incompetence, as Crash would put it).
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Wild card extraordinaire.
He's not exactly subtle about his feelings. He's probably confessed ten times over while in his permanent state of drunken inebriation. You dismiss it as Duke being Duke, and it wouldn't be unreasonable to think that. He flirts with anyone he thinks is attractive. It's embarrassing that he finds you attractive and you're his teammate, but it's just how he is, so you can't help but grow accustomed to it.
He does the grabby hands a lot and just tries to hang off you, blabbering about anything that comes to mind (mostly explosives or alcohol, usually both).
He's probably, most definitely, blown up others who have tried to get your attention, as long as they aren't on his team. Although, his murderous tendencies may still may extend to within the team, he may or may not be willing to stage a death to keep you near him. He'll make Target a target any day. He'd never touch Pops, though, unless he was insanely jealous, and he doesn't really see Peanut as a viable "threat" either.
Your presence gets him drunker than any alcohol. He needs you in his system ASAP. He may have life withdrawals if he doesn't. He doesn't have an alcohol "problem"; he has a you "problem." (Yes, these are actual things he has said/would say to you.)
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Peanut writes stories. Izzy writes fanfiction. Take a guess at which one has more smut and tension in it. It's Izzy, in case you were unsure.
She doesn't exactly know how to approach her darling, so she mostly writes her feelings in fic form. You are always some sort of supernatural entity, like the classic werewolf or vampire, and even omegaverse. She's totally into mpreg. So if tab restore is on, I suggest you don't check the computer. At least don't read her latest one about two soldiers on the same squad, where one is pining after the other hopelessly and is eliminating everyone else on the squad systematically until only her darling and she are left. It isn't like she can actually murder everyone on the team, for better or worse. A girl can dream, though.
She'll ask for your help by name most likely. She dislikes calling you by your codename because it seems too impersonal for her. She just says you're a good assistant, and she doesn't say that about anybody. She mostly prefers to work in silence or with you carrying the conversation. She finds that the words get stuck in her throat.
How does she tell you that she's planted a tracker in your suit? Or that she's compiling an entire database on you and has looked through your private records (which definitely breaches trust and breaks at least one military rule)?
She feels... guilty. But she loves you, so it's worth it. You do anything for your loved ones, even if they don't know you'd die (or kill) for them.
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She's patient to some extent. She's content with simply being near her darling and helping them when she can. She'll always be really friendly and may overdo it because she's so nervous. She's her own worst critic when it comes to relating to you.
"What if they hate me because I said something wrong?" (Lilly had a simple conversation with her darling.)
"I didn't help them in time." (Her darling dropped something and it fell on their armored foot.)
"Urgh, I'm so stupid! Clearly, they needed that and not this." (She was trying to help but didn't know how to and grabbed the wrong thing. Her darling, in all honesty, didn't mind or even notice.)
"If I were a better soldier, then they'd like me." (Darling was talking to Pops and has a friendly relationship with him.)
"How incompetent can I be? They could have gotten hurt because I wasn't careful enough." (Lily almost bumped into her darling.)
She'll hesitantly bring her feelings to Wes and ask what to do. Even leaving out the darker bits of her attraction to you, Wes has aโlet's say in the nicest way possibleโa negative reaction. Something along the lines of, "Excuse me? What the fuck? I have to legally inform you that I am not a mental health professional, but seriously, Lil's, you need to get checked out for whatever is fucked in your mind."
It makes her even more ashamed of her feelings for you. She could never be good enough for you. This is just the nail in the coffin.
But she won't stop stalking you. (Is it really stalking if you work together and she's just looking out for you?) She'll just become more persistent in bettering herself so that she is worthy of you (and your love).
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He's a little lost, but he's got the spirit. Every team member will know that Peanut has some sort of feelings for you. He doesn't exactly try to keep them a secret. He's constantly blabbering about how much he appreciates you, how warm and fluttery you make him feel, and the things he wants to do with you. He'll whine at any loss of contact with you.
If both of you are separated because of military duties, then he becomes quite frazzled and upset, only to be overly excited when he sees you once again, throwing his arms around you and bonking his helmet against yours.
He wants you to always be the one who watches over him at night. He'll beg you to come cuddle with him because he'll have nightmares if you don't. He's giggling the entire time, and his face is completely flushed.
He loves joking around with you to try to brighten your day. He tells you all his stories. He may or may not have a couple of secret ones that involve you and him. Listening to him drone on about conspiracy theories is a must.
You're Peanut's babysitter soon, lover, essentially. Duke may even try to change your codename to Babysitter because Peanut makes you look after him so much.
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He's not one to resort to violence (or euthanization) unless met with an enemy where that is a necessity. So intimidation is his game as a yandere. He will abuse his power as the FIXER team's leader to isolate you and keep you as his. It's more of an instinctual need. At least, that's how he sees it.
He likes pulling you close to him. No one really bats an eye because he does it so often. He'll pull you into a hug or into his lap, then he whispers about how you'll be good and not report him to HR because you won't like the consequences (i.e., ruining your reputation). If you dislike it, he isn't going to force himself on you. He will never do that. However, he will desensitize you to it. His lingering touches will grow bolder until you'll want to freely cuddle with him at the end of long days.
Really, he just wants you happy, healthy, and safe. He's a yandere, like his namesake, after all. Even when he is a romantic yandere, he can't help but come off as paternal. He teaches you things, gives you honest praise, encourages you, and is right there to shut down any bullshit someone may try to give you. He likes placing his hand on your shoulder, patting you on the back, or maybe even on the head.
He even has this dirty little fantasy he often entertains about retiring with you. It's what he thinks about when things get too stressful. He feels too old to have kids; I mean, he already babysits a bunch of grown adults, most of whom can't take care of themselves. So just imagining him and you getting away, his hands free to explore your body, is enough to make him need to excuse himself. He needs to "adjust" his armor or go relieve himself of some bodily fluids.
You're the reminder that he needs to surviveโthat he still has a future to survive for.
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Poor kid doesn't even know what hit him. He's grossly inept when it comes to understanding his infatuation with his darling. He's even worse at expressing it. He walks around in a state of constant confusion, trying to decipher the reason why he suddenly feels homicidal when one of his teammates gets too close to you.
He distances himself from Duke and Peanut for that reason. They are number one and two on the "people I would definitely kill if I had to" list. But even thenโhe'll probably accidentally confess his feelings about darling to one of his other teammates. There's a good chance it's either Crash or Izzy. And let's say Target should hope he's not stupid enough to tell Crash. Crash will try to shut that shit down and tell him how fucked up he is, while also maintaining an air of dismissiveness. He'll get offended by Crash's insinuation. Target is only looking out for your best interests. He's protecting you!
He also has an entire album of photos of you that you probably don't know about. No one cares about his cool bird pictures, so he doesn't really have to worry about anyone snooping through yours. He tries to capture your perfection in every photo, but only the real thingโyouโcan do it justice. You're so much better to photograph than any super cool bird anywhere in all the galaxies combinedโplus some!
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If you think Crash's tsundere attitude is bad, wait until you're introduced to Wes's loving bitchiness. You can't so much as sneeze without having the medic needing to check you out. He's snarky, but something about it is softer. He seems genuinely concerned, and if you are injured, then he'll use all the good supplies on you. He's used to venting to you about, well, everything. Maybe he seems rougher towards you because he's accepted that you're the one person he can let his guard down a little with.
He's freely possessive, even if part of him is ashamed for being so nerveless against his own desires. He's lived too long and seen too much shit not to claim you as his own. If someone doesn't like it, then they can fuck off, and the both of you can transfer out together.
Oh, yeah. Wes always has your transfer papers filled out for you along with his. They're married with one paperclip joining the two stacks of paper. It slightly irritates his need for complete organization, but there's something so subtle and intimate about it that he keeps it that way.
Lilly and he are a package, so more often than not she'll be his unofficial wingwoman. She may question his methods, but you actually make Wes happy. She doesn't think she's ever seen that. And if you can produce that kind of miracle, then perhaps Wes's red flag behavior is something she can turn a blind eye to. He's just not used to normal human relationships. He'll grow out of it.
my stomach is beating the shit out of me so out of comfort and spontaneous ask โ
how would Peanut and Target take care of their darling's tummy aches? sigh idk i love them ๐
โ ๐ anon (also, whenever i make requests, i hope you don't feel pressured to answer! it's okay if ya dont!)
เชโโท ๊ฐ tummy aches ๊ฑ
๐ฅ Yandere Peanut ๐ฅ
"Aww, damn. I get tummy aches all the time. But it's usually because I eat something bad. Did you eat Crash's old leftovers? No... wait, that was me. Oh! Do you want some vitamins? They always make me feel better."
Peanut's under the assumption that TLC is always the right answer to whenever you're upset. You just need him and you'll be alright. After all, he feels sick whenever he's seperated from you for too long! Obviously you have the same problem as him.
It's more likely that he'll attempt to steal something from Wes than ask him. He doesn't feel good about it, but he doesn't want Wes getting all touchy with you. Medics shouldn't be so touchy! Wes needs to stop asking his sunflower so many personal questions!
(Get it? Sunflowers have seeds and peanuts are a seed. Or at least Peanut thinks so. He also just loves eating flowers but that's beside the point. Something, something, his mother always taught him about herbal remedies.)
Who cares if he's a medic. He's just a big grumpy meanie who ruins the vibe.
If you thought Peanut was clingy before then you haven't seen anything yet. Call him a koala the way he's clinging onto you. Get it, becauseโ or is that sloths? Um, doesn't matter!
He's more prone to snap at one of his teammates if you're feeling off. It's "your vibes rubbing off on him." He won't snap at Crash or Pops, but everyone else is fair game! Especially Wes and his need to follow "proper medical procedures."
Just lie down with him for a little while and listen to his favorite radio station or him reading you one of his scripts.
๐ฏ Yandere Target ๐ฏ
"Hey, darlin'. Oh. You don't look so good. Maybe we should get you to the medbay. You can come rest in my room if you'd like. I can take your shift. Pops doesn't haveta know."
Attempts to cook you something his momma always made him when he didn't feel well. He doesn't want to slack on his job but you're more important. Can't have weak posts in a fence. The cattle will get through otherwise. That's how he justifies it. It isn't like you depending on him is a dream come true or anything.
Unlike Peanut, he trusts Wes to a certain extent. He's still protective of you. If it looks like what Wes did is making you worse then he'll step in and politely (?) tell Wes the both of you are leaving. You'll have to strap him down before he willingly watches you get more ill. A tummy ache may as well be the same as a gunshot wound to him. Illnesses can progress quickly. He gets paranoid.
He doesn't want you overdoing it. He takes your shift for you. At first he insists, but he'll stubbornly combat any points you have until you give in. You need to take care of yourself. You come first. It isn't like there's a war waiting for either of you. Even if there was, he doesn't know if he could stand seeing you go out into it.
He'll give you space if you need it. Target will be anxious about it, but he respects your boundaries. His problems shouldn't be yours. The last thing he wants is to be a burden.
Even if you can't see under his helm, he's smiling while caring for you. He's so giddy inside. He's just a lovesick man. Don't blame him for his faults, everyone has them.
