#liveblogging mania

[tuckersrule]

Stay Frosty Royal Milk Tea has a silly name buts is a banger

[tuckersrule]

Bishops Knife Trick starts off strongly

[tuckersrule]

The last line of Wilson,, the delivery is so good ,, Patrick’s voice is soft and sweet

[tuckersrule]

Hold Me Tight or Don’t is one of my faves

[shinjishazaki]

oops bleh

=> Write a good five hundred words in Kaisei

=> Think about doing some disjointed reading previews

=> Attempt preview

=> Fail miserably because you're so tired and groggy from meds and long days

=> Resolve to write even more of either Kaisei or Crown of Fire's second chapter tomorrow (and more owed smut) before watching the new episode and going to work

=> Feel gently optimistic

=> Go to bed

[shinjishazaki]

okay mania

I now have lithium sitting in my pill-box for tonight's dosing.  I hope you're prepared for medicine specifically designed to kick the hell out of mania, because I sure am.

[shinjishazaki]

=> Try to take nap to recover physically from getting five hours of hyper-brained sleep

=> Lay quietly for 30 minutes

=> Get spooked by alarm

=> Lay quietly for another 20 minutes

=> Get spooked by alarm

=> Realize that you never actually fell asleep and that you're physically more tired than before

=> Meanwhile, your brain is entirely unaffected in energy levels　

=> The little shit

[shinjishazaki]

brain, what the ever-loving FUCK

Look, I know we've spent the night reading The Serendipity Gospels and feeling great wellings of admiration and love of the writing but also a great and terrible sense of fear and horror, but--

Please, I cannot deal with horrible, terrible, frightful things in my mind anymore today.  I am reeling so badly from all the wicked bursts of mania from doing anything wrong--any tiny fucking thing--in physically taking care of myself, and you are not making anything better by constantly pushing to break with healthiness to keep on the high.

Brain, I am scared of you and all that you do.  Will that be enough for you, to have me admit it?  To have me be scared to the point that the lucidity to recognize what is happening is useless enough to not warrant trying anymore?

Well, fine.  I am scared enough of this shit to tempt fate with my medication.  Not tempting death through, mind, but tempting the deadening of myself for long enough to purge your poison.  I am going to tell my therapist how afraid my mania makes me, and I am going to beg my psychiatrist for help with medicine.  I don't care if it's lithium and I have to get my blood drawn to make sure it's not poisoning me physically.  I don't care if it's a tranquilizer of some sort.  At this point, I'm not sure I care if it's hospitalization.  What you are doing to me, brain, is far more terrifying than needles and drugs and hospitals.

If I dream tonight, I won't be surprised if you give me a wicked night terror.  And I won't really be able to care anymore, because now I expect to be afraid of you, my own brain.