gizoogled lizard death somebody send help
"i don't give a fuck bout this"
"i know you do"
they was lost. they was lost up in tha desert on some backwater hood cuz jim just had ta git dem separated from tha away crew. thankfully, bones had been prepared fo' dis exact scenario--they had enough gin n juice n' ration bars up in case it would take dem a thugged-out dizzle or two ta git rescued.
"‘it’s just a routine mission ta collect samples’ da perved-out muthafucka say. ‘it’ll be fun’ da perved-out muthafucka say. ‘of course i know where we’re going’ da perved-out muthafucka says," bones grumbled under his breath as tha pimpin' muthafucka trudged across tha bangin' sand afta jim. "i’m goin ta hypospray his ass so hard he’ll be feelin it until next week."
"i can hear you, you know," jim called back.
"good."
*
bones had no clue how tha fuck they had gotten so far off course yo, but they had ta done been struttin fo' at least a hour. Shiiit, dis aint no joke. tha desert had since turned tha fuck into a scrub-type biome; bones wasn’t shizzle if it could straight-up be called that, seein as dat shiznit was a alien hood they was on yo, but there was trees round n' da thug was thankful fo' tha shade.
"c’mon kid. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! gin n juice break."
they had been chillin up in tha shade fo' all of five minutes when there was a funky-ass bangin rustlin up in tha bushes surroundin em. jim jumped up immediately, hand reachin fo' his thugged-out lil' phaser but instead FINDING A BANANA.
"bones, what tha fuck tha heckie, biatch? where is mah phaser?"
"you need mo' potassium."
a giant fuckin lizard rocked up from tha bushes. (how did jim n' bones not peep dat shit. it’s pretty fuckin huge. aiiight not dat huge. maybe tha size of a lil' small-ass car. Shiiit, dis aint no joke. still though.)
"jim," bones croaked, terrified.
"bones," jim breathed. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! "it’s so cute"
the lizard flicked up his cold-ass tongue, smellin dem up in tha air.
"are you outta yo' corn-fed mind?!" bones turned ta peep jim, expectin ta peep dat dat schmoooove muthafucka had sprouted another head.
"so cute," jim repeated up in awe.
the huge-ass reptile scraped tha ground wit its foot, big-ass claws makin deep gashes up in tha earth.
"jim, i don’t be thinkin he like dat you’re callin his ass cute."
the lizard snaked his head n' blew smoke from his nostrils. "i be not cute," dat schmoooove muthafucka hissed up in confirmation. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. "i be fire. i am… dirtnap."
he darted forward wit lightnin fast speed despite his crazy-ass massive size. da perved-out muthafucka snatched up jim and, up in tha process, knocked bones away.
bones shouted, hopin ta scare tha beast away yo, but dat shiznit was too late; tha lizard had already tossed jim up in tha air n' swallowed his muthafuckin ass. skanky jim had been smoked whole, like jonah n' tha whale.
