#ljoerk

[rktiffxny]

♡ ; letters never sent pt. 1

LOADING PLAYLIST ↺ . . . 

( 1. best friend by jason chen , 2. little things by one direction , 3. please don’t say you love me by gabrielle ablin , 4. escape by kehlani, 5. not the only one by sam smith , 6. warning sign by teen top , 7. 못된 것만 배워서 by b1a4 , 8. 지못미 by ikon  , 9. sober by demi lovato ) 

dear byunghun, 

          i’ve tried to write this letter a million times. i must’ve written that many and tossed them. there’s nothing any letter could say that could make up for how i treated you, for how i took advantage of your love for me, for how i broke your heart because mine was fragile, weak, already a wreck. i don’t even really deserve to say anything to you, i know. it’s been years and i . . . it’s too fucked up to say i miss you. i wish you were still here following your dream but maybe your dream changed. maybe i never really knew your dreams. i used to always assume i did and i’m sorry for that. i’m sorry for everything but i know sorry doesn’t mean anything. sorry doesn’t fix or change anything. sorry doesn’t change how horrible i was to you. 

          i like to think i’ve changed. i want to think i’ve changed and lately it makes me think of you. of how you were the right guy at the wrong time. of how one rejection or one small bit of doubt could terrify me away from you. i hated myself for being so insecure. i hated myself for letting you think i didn’t trust you but it was me. it was always me. scared you’d realize there’s other girls better than me, that they could love you better than i could, give you children the way i couldn’t promise, and wasn’t so threatened by how nice you are. because it is one of your best qualities. 

          i used to think, what made me different from the other girls you’re nice to? i let my own insecurities build up instead of taking your word for it. it was all me. i took every little thing and over-analyzed it. i told you that once before and then i just . .. . . . . i got so close. i thought i could do it. i thought i could finally let go and love you the way you deserved but that trip scared me. i scared myself because i was willing to risk my own life. my dad, he moved on too. my whole family .. .... .  cassie has two kids now. not just one but two and she’s so healthy and i just . . . part of me still thinks i won’t have kids but i hope you do. i hope you have every single bit of happiness i couldn’t give you. i hope you look in the mirror one day and understand why i put you on such a high pedestal. 

          the way i loved you was wrong. you can say it’s not love, you can call it whatever you want. i already know you don’t think i loved you. but all the other guys you ever compared yourself to? the truth is, i compare them all to you. i know you thought i left la and followed kikwang to seoul but it was you who gave me what little confidence i had back then. it was you that encouraged my singing and went to my performances when you could. it was you who would bring me milk tea at the drop of a hat in la traffic. it was you, maybe it always will be you in a way, i have so much to thank you for and so much to apologize for. i’ll never get to say it in person but no matter where you are now, i hope you’re happy again. 

[rkahnso]

you mentioned before that your friends basically replaced your family. why are they so important to you? what roles did they fill and how?

“o-oh god. wow, what a loaded question.” when she laughs it seems to be more nervous if anything. at least the question wasn’t more about her family as much as it was about her friends. but she couldn’t explain her friend’s importance without mentioning her family. she sighed.

“well, as i’ve said before, i didn’t really have much of a family as much as i’ve had a presentation of what a family should have been. my mom was so focused on the business and then she cheated on my father and basically ruined the picture-perfect family she was trying to present. my dad and i weren’t close by any means but we were closer than my mother and i – and let me tell you, my mother set the bar low. my father is very close minded and vindictive. especially with my mother. because she cheated on him with a woman he’s a bit ignorant and is one of those that claims that bisexuals are just confused or something. it’s really uncomfortable for me to be around him when he speaks like that.”

she exhales. so far so good.

“so when i met my friends – the ones that stuck – it meant the world to me. obviously i don’t see taemin as a replacement father or joey as an older brother to replace my stepbrother or anything but they’re suitable stand-ins because i know i couldn’t go to my actual family for anything. i’ve known taemin for a while and he just always seemed to be there for me and handle it in a good way. of course he isn’t perfect or wise with age as i imagine an actual father would be but taemin is the next best thing. i’m really sorry that i don’t get to see him more often because he deserves better than just being an outlet for me because i feel like i have no one else to turn to. but i’m so lucky to have him to turn to in the first place.

as for joey, he’s really good to me even though we bicker a lot. i know it’s just his way of showing affection towards me. we’re playful but he still cares and supports me through everything and i think i’m lucky in that respect. i’m an only child and i’m not close to my stepbrother by any means but i feel like i’ve gained a brother in joey in a way. he’s in america still and i miss him so much.”

she smiles, albeit sadly, because she misses the both of them dearly. although taemin was just a text and meet-up away, joey was not. she could always talk to them but timezones and schedules and the like made them too busy to. it was almost lonely in that respect. she wonders if they missed her too.

“then there’s yubin and jiwon. who serve as my sisters. i’ve known yubin since i was 12? 11? something like that. and she’s always adopted the older sister role even though i feel like i’m the one who is usually taking care of her.” sohee laughs. “i’m glad that i still know yubin today. as for jiwon, she’s younger than me by a few years but i feel like i’m always learning from her. i think it has to do with the fact that she’s more out there than i am. more explorative and experimental. it’s nice to learn from her but also nice to have someone there. right there because she’s always training right besides me. i think my experiences with yubin unnie and jiwonnie kinda made me realise that maturity and experience aren’t always linked to age.”

she licks her lips, almost tempted to mention rachel but she decides against it. rachel was a closed chapter. gone, just as she had left a while ago. she didn’t think re-opening it would be a good idea. she think it was best it remained that way. she smiles sadly at the thought, knowing there’s more to tell. instead she moves on to the next friend.

“although ricky is….more than just a friend now, when we were younger he was so precious to me. like a protective brother. he’d always be there for me and we’d laugh and play together. even when we met up over the years, we still had that back-and-forth banter that i’d expect from siblings. we were always teasing each other. always just there for each other. it was a nice feeling growing up with him and so many others around me that took care of me. i may not have had much of a home life or a family by blood but i had a damn good family with my friends. i’m blessed.”

[rksohee]

[ msg: vagina dumpling ] oh shit that's heavy I'm sorry /: [ msg: vagina dumpling ] would ask you to meet up if you had time but you probably have none of that now. [ msg: vagina dumpling ] NO PETS AT ALL? how do you live :cccc [ msg: vagina dumpling ] Ah, something about us having too many animals..or something like that..

[ message to joey ]

➤ it’s okay i mean that happened like....i want to say last year? with ricky and i➤ so it’s fine now we just avoid each other awkwardly if we see each other in public➤ like.....real friends.......lol DELETED !➤ i wish you messaged me before january ended :/➤ yeah no pets at all. hopefully it changes in the future...➤ yeah well you do always pick up random animals. like all the time➤ pretty sure she doesn’t want to live in a zoo

[rksohee]

[ msg: vagina dumpling ] hey how's life [ msg: vagina dumpling ] do u want otters [ msg: vagina dumpling ] I want them but Sally says no so [ msg: vagina dumpling ] the boss has spoken

[ message to joey ]

➤ uh wow i have to update you on a lot➤ ricky and i.....➤ broke up? DELETED !➤ i gave him a promise ring and he said no lol DELETED !➤ stopped seeing each other, to put it nicely? now we’re friends but we don’t see each other ever so yay??➤ so instead of a ricky no-pet ban i moved somewhere. they don’t allow pets. had to have my grandmother and father take care of the other animals➤ :/// i wish. you know i love otters!!!! why did sally say no!!!!

[rkahnso]

( txt ; vagina dumpling ) get in the car bitch we're going shopping ( txt ; vagina dumpling ) happy 7th birthday what kinda pet do u want this year?

[ msg! joey ] language, my god

[ msg! joey ] YOU CAN’T GET ME ANOTHER PET

[ msg! joey ] ricky won’t allow me to get anymore i’m on a pet ban :<

[ msg! joey ] i’m not 7!!!!! i’m 22!!!!!!

[rovalent]

(front of the shirt)

It’s one of the first things he decides to do when he decides to settle in Seoul again– he had to do this– there was a burning desire, a need for him to send his previous entertainment company’s president a package. He’s doing it partly because he can, partly for the lulz, but mostly because he genuinely thinks Jiseob sajangnim will actually like it. (and he also wants to get noticed by senpai– again– so.) 

He’s all shits and giggles when he pays the (very perplexed) shirt customizing shop owner, not once hesitating to immediately fold the shirt up nicely and put it in a package– not just one of those soft bubble envelopes that were big enough to fit a shirt, no this package deserves a box of its own, filled to the brim with packing peanuts to offer stability, and wrapped with some nice royal blue colour– one he’d thought was fitting for such a package. He’s proud of his handiwork, albeit having wrapped the box himself– filled with little rips in the wrapping paper here and there and some tape sticking out– but it’s probably the best wrapping job he’s ever done. he addresses it to Royal’s CEO, along with a small note that says:

‘To sajangnim– wear this shirt and you’ll be 2000% cooler, I promise!

-your biggest fan, joey’

The note is dated April 1st 2017.

His secretary brings the present in while he sits at his desk, along with his other mail. He reads the important things first, and then sets the gift aside with any fanletters he received for the day.

He returns to them during his lunch break, opening the present a little reluctantly, but curiously when he sees the name on the package. He digs through packing peanuts, then lifts the shirt up to inspect it. He stares at it with furrowed brows for a long moment before finally understanding the meaning, and he looks at the back. It takes another moment for him to fully grasp the humor, but when he does, he chuckles. He takes a moment to read the note, then smiles softly before folding the shirt back into the box and continuing on with his day.

[rkmyung-blog]

( txt ; myungpoop ) boop

[ sms → byunghun ] It’s a no from me.

[rkahnso]

( txt ; kithee ) hey wat u want for ur bday

[ msg! joeyroo ] food ?????

[ msg! joeyroo ] isn’t it a tad bit early to be asking for that? you have 26 days