I remember one time, and I only write about it because it's been on my mind the past couple of weeks, Ljubomir and I were in my friend's unfinished room in the attic and there was a mattress on the floor. I wasn't horny at all and I think he'd been upset with me or maybe not but I hadn't seen him in a while and I just wanted to please him so we had sex and while we were doing it doggie style I cried because I didn't even want to have sex and I was dry and he didn't even seem to notice. And when we were done I made sure my eyes weren't watery and the rest of the day I acted like nothing was ever wrong.
After the first time we had sex, I never said no because I remembered how angry he'd gotten the one and only time two weeks after we had met at his family party and he took me into a room with a beautiful bed and started taking off my panties and I freaked a little because I barely knew him and didn't want to regret anything wasn't ready to lose my virginity at that time. But he got so angry. It should've been a red flag, but I dismissed it because I knew he was experienced and thought he was the most beautiful boy and couldn't believe he wanted me. So from then on I put the blame on myself always, always, if he got upset, I thought it was my duty to fix it, fix everything, console him, make him feel like a king even when I knew he was wrong.
