requested by @lnternetwar on twitter: “I love you, but I really wish I didn’t.” JONGTAE AU WHERE TAEM LOVES HIM FIRST OK BYE.
(ily)
“You’re just saying that because you’re drunk, man.”
Taemin wishes he could equivocate just how wrong that statement is. He’s curled into a fetal position of Jonghyun’s futon, eyes wide and mouth open, words caught in his throat because he wants to argue, but he can’t fucking speak. The tv is blaring in the background, still a bit lost against the thrumming of the bass from the next room over. Jonghyun’s neighbors always party at the most inopportune moments. Or is it that Taemin’s just over at all the wrong times?
Like this. This isn’t good timing. Nothing about this was good timing. Taemin shakes his head and sits up a bit, arms clumsily supporting him. His vision is hazy but he sees the elder very clearly, outlined by the flashing colors of the movie they stopped watching well before they even started talking.
Jonghyun looks a bit injured, sad, as if Taemin’s gravely insulted him. Even though it’s really the exact opposite. The man with the silver hair has a trail of saliva still beaded on his lip, eyes half-past glassy. “Right?” Jonghyun prompts, gaze jotting back to Taemin’s lips, turning the focus back to what the original plan was. “You don’t actually mean that.”
If only. To a certain extent, he didn't; he would have never actually told Jonghyun how he feels about their relationship sober, but those feelings aren’t the products of inebriation.
This is really shitty timing. Maybe if Taemin can convince Jonghyun to finish off the bottle of Crown with him, this memory will fade into the blackout. “I love you, but I really wish I didn’t,” he finally manages to slur, shaking his head a bit more violently than before, pushing himself back a few inches and pulling the blanket around his body like a cocoon.
Hi~ I tried to go back as far as I could on your tagged replies but I can't seem to find this question yet. Do you have any Irene biased blogs that you'd like to rec? Sorry if this was asked before and thank you in advance!
prompted by lnternetwar on twitter: “BASICALLY ANYTHING THAT STATES THAT TAEMIN HAD FEELINGS FOR JJONG FIRST.”
((this prompt Speaks to me))
bandfic, slight angst themes, brief mentions of past jongkey
One thing that Taemin always found it a bit hard to reconcile with his religion was the fact that he’s been in love with Jonghyun for a little over five years.
Sort of. It was a slow build--Taemin hasn’t always been completely cognizant of these feelings, wasn’t until around 2009. The first time he recognized the rolling boil of romantic inclinations was the day he walked in on Jonghyun and Kibum exchanging probing kisses alone in the van before heading off to their Hello Baby recording. “Don’t tell anyone,” Jonghyun told him after. “It’s just a bit of experimentation, you know? Nothing serious. And Jinki’d be pissed if he found out about this.”
He felt sick, honestly. He and Jonghyun had been friends since before debut--good friends--and the mere idea that he was feeling what he was made him want to kick something. Taemin has always been very good at jealousy but he’d always seen that within the realm of friendship. Watching Jonghyun arch his back on Kibum’s lap, though, made him really realize it was something different.
He stuck by Jonghyun, though, as a friend, and let his feelings foster. Deep down there was this vast amount of hope that in the future Jonghyun would actually develop feelings for him without Taemin having to first own up to his own, but just when Taemin was slightly okay with the thoughts that ran through his head at night, Jonghyun started dating Sekyung.
That was when he really recoiled. Not fully, because Kibum did enough of that for the both of them, but he did his best to take his deep-seated crush and slam it over the head with passage after passage of scripture, confessions, prayers, penance. Jonghyun and Taemin as a mere idea wasn’t going to happen and he needed to stop the fantasizing, stop before he could end up spiraling through nothingness without Jonghyun’s friendship and without the faith that he’d always held dear.
He knows very well that a good amount of what the bible says about homosexuality is honestly about as valid as the fundamentalist hypothesis that the world is six thousand years old or the idea that death and suffering happens for a valid, god-sent reason, but just knowing that doesn’t work as a balm to heal the wounds that have been left by homophobia in religion.
And, if the idea of his family turning away from him for being into guys--or, well, one guy--wasn’t enough to scare him into smothering his feelings, the fact that they’re in a band together would. Even if Taemin did make it past his religious hangups and they miraculously decided to date, if the company, their leader, or anyone else found out about the relationship, it’d be bad. What if they had a horrible falling out and it caused SHINee’s dynamics to crumble? Etc.
Until about now, in 2012, the risks greatly outweighed the benefits. He and Jonghyun stayed good friends, and Taemin kept his feelings locked away, tried to move on.
2012 is when Taemin is thrown another curveball in the form of a roommate situation with said best friend and the object of his affection. Jonghyun is excited, especially since the times they roomed together in the Japan dorm had always been fun.
And dorming with him is fun. The first few days leaves the both of them exhausted, having spent all hours of the night talking about things. Everything, really. Taemin starts to hate himself again because every time Jonghyun opens his mouth he feels so inexplicably overwhelmed by how much he cares, how much Jonghyun means to him. He’s pitched into that world once more, tumbles hard and fast into that flux of uncertainty, so wholly wrapped up in Jonghyun.
By the time Jonghyun suggests “Internet War” he agrees to it immediately as both a “fuck you” to his faith that’s plaguing him so greatly with anxiety and a way to get close to Jonghyun through music. When they get rough in rehearsals and decide to keep it in the choreography it’s fine, whatever, he doesn’t deny that he likes it even though something deep down keeps trying to make him feel like shit for that.
But obviously beating himself over the head with religious teachings has gotten him nowhere. He feels completely defeated, but no matter how much he loves God and others, he’s starting to realize that the people around him in his religion will literally never be able to get past the part of him that feels so purely, so strongly for Jonghyun.
And Jonghyun can’t be a bad thing. Jonghyun could never be a bad thing.
When they perform, it’s euphoria. Taemin gets a bit carried away and Jonghyun fuels the fire, grabs him so hard and sends him slamming into a new sort of reality.
2012 is when Jonghyun kisses him, is when Jonghyun lets Taemin melt into him, takes shades of gray into vibrant reds and yellows and pinks. Jonghyun lets Taemin talk to him about everything he’s feeling and Jonghyun cries for him, because Taemin’s done enough of that alone, in the past.
“I wish you’d have told me earlier,” Jonghyun sniffles a bit, wiping his eyes on Taemin’s comforter. Taemin feels smaller than the elder, hiding under his sheets from the reckoning to come. Jonghyun isn’t God but he feels almost as large, almost as powerful, despite his shaking shoulders. “This has been really hard for you, hasn’t it?”
“Yeah,” he whispers. “A bit.”
A bit. “I shouldn’t have kissed you backstage, I’m sorry if I crossed any lines--”
“It’s fine,” Taemin shakes his head. “I’ve never expected you to reciprocate.”
A slow build changes form and starts running, stride by stride, and by the time Taemin can register the shake of Jonghyun’s head, he’s also registering their second kiss. It’s less desperate and reckless, less like a back pew mischief and more like Taemin is being christened, new and sanctified and free. “I may not have had these feelings for as long as you have but it doesn’t mean I don’t share them.”
Jonghyun fits so well against him that Taemin almost wonders if anything even needs to be reconciled.
Fuck, this is so much.
He’s been in love with Jonghyun for a really, really long time. And if there’s one thing he knows about both religion and whatever this is, it’s that those feelings are the most important.
Hi Care! I just want to drop by and say that I'm loving the Jongtae composer au so far (but you already knew that) ~ Can I ask what happened to Jongtae in Red? Do they stay together? I was meant to ask this when it came out but I was busy during that time.
omg ahh <3 thank you so much bb! i’m so glad you do!
and in red, jongtae do end up staying together. minho ends up becoming really close friends with taemin, which is where the whole “soulmates” thing comes in, but their relationship remains purely platonic, which is perfect for minho because he’s aro/ace and jongtae are very much into each other
idk if that’s disappointing to anyone but i think my main point with red was kind of making an anti-soulmates au orz (not that the au is against soulmates aus, but kind of an opposite to situation? like heros and anti-heros idk how to explain myself)
hi, yes. what happens after the new jongtae omegaverse scene? i need to know because it's killing me uwuwuwuwuwuwu
ahhh okay well the drabble happened when no one was there but them, so they kind of rest for a bit and then are like "okay this isn't good" and they just kind of talk it out and decide to run away
your health comes firsts before fics! also, if you're still doing the meme, can you do all of them for that long ace fic? i can't remember the name but it's the one about taemin's solo with jjong~
thank you again! i really appreciate all the support you give me <3
and yes of course uwu i'll put them under the cut because long and also if anyone hasn't read ace then here is the link~
☼: how i came up with the idea
honestly, the ace era was so, so inspiring for me? i already had a lot of creativity bouncing around because that was right before I went to college and I just wanted to write so much and then ace era hit and i was slammed with jongtae and motivation for so many projects. ace was the one that spoke to me the most and I really just wanted to try and make a really realistic-seeming jongtae based on all the support that was shown then uwu
☄: what the writing process was like
I didn't leave my room for like two days. I seriously locked myself in and just wrote. that was the summer of marathon-writing.
✄: something i deleted before the final draft
I tried to go further into the future, because events just kept happening, but I had to call it quits after jongtae blue night and deleted a lot of the subsequent scene ideas and some dialogue.
♡: my favorite part
definitely the part in which jonghyun sneaks into SM and puts danger on loop on all the company computers. or also the part wherein they fuck with jinki.
☠: something i found challenging
writing so much and trying to remain as close to the truth as possible. I mean, now with all the base stuff we know that a lot of what happened in my fic wouldn't have been reality because jonghyun started base planning around the same time/before ace planning, buuut at the time i had only certain facts to go off of. and the more facts that came out, the more i had to edit. whenever somethign new would be released i'd be like "well, damn, there went that scene" and I ended up having to redo a lot.
♂: my favorite male character
all of them
♀: my favorite female character
I don't think there were any female characters, it was pretty shinee/jongtae-centric
⚧: my favorite trans* and/or nonbinary character
also not applicable
☾: how i thought people would respond to the fic
I knew people would respond well, or at least, i really hoped they would. but a really large part of me knew it would be a big hit when I was writing it so yeah uwu
☽: how people *actually* responded
it's one of my most popular fics!! i'm very proud <3
∞: something i wish i’d done differently
nothing, i really like everything i did. ace is my baby
★: something i’m proud to have accomplished
the fic in general. seventeen thousand words that i'm genuinely proud of!! i'm so happy you guys liked it too and ahhh i still smile like an idiot whenever it gets likes and reblogs c:
