Hey, I know it's been ages since I've done an update on my SasuNaruSasu fic Inked (terribad writer's block + life + insert excuse). But I want y'all to know that it is in no way forgotten.
I'm 373k+ words in, and I have another 6 chapters unposted, one of which just might be my favorite in the entire fic. Yet I want to hold off on posting until I have at least a rough draft to the ending. (Unless I crack and post a chapter because my writing is fueled by comments.) I don't want to leave everyone in the lurch like this again.
I'm getting close to the finale, and I feel a shitton of internal pressure to fucking nail it because, hell, it's the ending. There are key developments, and I have to deliver them in a way that makes you really feel.
And if you're a fan and want to continue reading this, please like this post, or even better, comment! They say that motivation should come from within, but let's be real, it's nice to be appreciated.
Thank you so much for your patience. I promise you that I will see this through. 💜
So I'm possibly just throwing this into the void. I'm not sure which of my friends still use Tumblr. I made a solid transition to Twitter soon after the nsfw ban in 2019. Sure, I've rebloged a few times and posted a couple Inked announcements (not even all of them), but it stops there.
I'm an nsfw content creator, and kink is a significant part of my life outside of the internet. After the purge, Tumblr felt like a space where I could no longer be my true self. I had to censor myself and curb my words, which was exhausting. It was compounded by the fact that most of my friends left.
Now, the future of Twitter is questionable too. I feel like I'm running out of places to be myself, if that makes sense. And I miss what Tumblr used to provide. My Facebook is sterile because I need to keep it work-safe. And Fetlife? Don't even get me started. I can hardly utter a word or post a pic without a random cismale "dom" expounding on the many things he'd like to do to me. Makes me want to wear a bag over my head sometimes, because it's just so gross.
Anyhow, I'm not just here to bitch about social media. I met some of my best friends on Tumblr, and a ton of my readers were on this site. If any of y'all are still on here, send me a like or a dm, would you? It's been a crazy 3 years, but I miss you all.
I was just thinking about how rarely I’m on Tumblr compared to before the nsfw algorithm. I used to talk to a fair amount of people over this platform. Many of us have drifted apart, which is part of life but also a bummer. I’m now on Twitter almost exclusively: https://twitter.com/OfFansAndFlames/ if you want to add me. Discord too.
Also figured I’d give interested parties an update on my life five months after lockdown.
Moving in with my mom when I got laid off in March was terrifying. In 2008, I lived there when I was young and sick, brain tumor and all, and my mom kicked me out on the streets. I was scared to go back. At the beginning, I’d get this tight feeling in my chest when I was in parts of the house where I was physically abused as a child. Flashes kept coming back.
I’ve been here for five months, and that trauma-damaged part of me keeps waiting for the other shoe to drop. Shockingly, it hasn’t. I’m grateful. This time around, I’m able to contribute financially (that unemployment boost is nice), which helps. I did what she wanted me to. Got a graduate degree and a well-paying job. I guess I’m the grey sheep of the family now.
Thi situation allowed me to provide my grandpa with end-of-life care to the best of my (non-clinical) ability. Trying to accomplish this during the heat of pandemic was no small feat. He passed in May, and we still haven’t had a memorial for him. I’m not sure we ever will.
I’ve been kept busy with my grandma. My aunt and mom are too self-absorbed, and I’m the only one left. Of course, there are the emotional components, but my grandpa also managed all of the household finances and technology. I’m managing it now and teaching her how to do it when I move away.
My mom’s fiance, who’s a narcissist, finally broke up with her yesterday...via text. She’d been thinking of breaking up with him but wanted to try counseling first. They would have been married in May if not for covid. Count your blessings. I’m doing what I can to distract her.
I’ve been...not as productive as I’d hoped. I’ve been unemployed (and looking) for five months as of today. I’ve been able to catch up on sleep, which has done wonders for my mental and physical health. I have a shitton of mental/physical conditions. I’ve worked full-time over the past six years with no break, and I was almost constantly on the brink of having to go back on long-term disability. It has been a huge struggle. I expected to fall apart without having a job for such a long period of time, but no, my health is just improving.
I’m playing the piano again and am almost done with the SasuNaru fic I’ve been writing over the past three years. I’ve probably been smoking a bit too much weed. I protested a lot but have been giving it a rest due to the covid spikes in Los Angeles. I’m hooked on Mao Do Zu Shi and am actually considering writing Wangxian. I do yoga almost every day and am now on my second 30-day challenge, which has done wonders for my lower back and knee pain. I’m hunting for my acoustic guitar, which is in storage with my electric (who knew I’d be here so long?). Also planning my new tatttoo once I can actually go to parlors again.
Anyhow, if you’re still here, congrats and thank you. Take care of yourselves. I know I haven’t been on Tumblr much, but if you need someone to talk to or miss me, let me know. I probably miss you too.
An update on my situation for those who have taken an interest:
My brain MRI showed absolutely nada, zero, zilch, growth! From 2003-2010, the tumor doubled (questionably tripled) size and occasionally bled into the surrounding tissue, pushing on my optic chiasm. Those years were the most difficult in my life. Since 2010, there has been no tumor growth.
I figured I’d start this post on a positive note. As shitty as being laid off and unemployed is, my health is by far more important. My gastroparesis has been acting up the past couple months. It’s annoying but certainly not debilitating as it once was. I just feel sick to my stomach about 1/3 of the time.
Okay, so for the shitty part... I’m going to be moving in with my mom again on March 16. I’m hoping this is only for a couple months. I’m not broke, but I need to retain my savings because 1) I’ve learned to rely on no one but myself and 2) I wanna eventually get a house and not sink all my money in rent. My rent is $2,800, so I can’t afford to play the waiting game here. I have no idea where I’m moving to, so now is not the time to sign a lease, which usually requires a 1-year commitment.
On the bright side, this does allow me to see my grandpa, who has terminal cancer, more often. I’m also grateful that my mom is offering me a place to stay. Anyone who’s known me for long knows that my family comes with a lot of toxicity and drama, far beyond the typical family craziness we all deal with. It sucks, but hey, that’s life.
I may not be the strongest person, but I am a fighter. I’m sure I’ll figure this out.
My grandpa passed last night, and I feel very at peace with it. Relieved, even. It’s been a protracted struggle, so this was the most merciful outcome.
It’s the first time I’ve seen someone die. He stared with his mouth open, far away. No facial gestures or anything else indicated the exact moment like in movies. My aunt put her hand to his mouth and felt shallow, weak breaths. We sat there for a few minutes. My aunt put her hand by his mouth again, and nothing.
I feel like I’m at acceptance already, given how long this whole thing stretched out. But then I wonder if I’m still at not a factual but an emotional “denial” or numbness. I didn’t feel or look as sad as most people in my family are, even people who aren’t nearly as close to my grandpa as I am. The only point where my eyes misted was when the funeral home wrapped his body in a sheet and took him away.
The vision of his face when he died (the stare) keeps coming to me whenever I’m not distracted. Maybe because it was just yesterday; I think that image will become rarer. It feels weird, like everything is the same, but everything is different now for my family. There aren’t many of us - just my mom, my aunt, my grandma, and me. I guess this is the new normal, and I’ll appreciate whatever peace I feel as I feel it.
Coffee or tea | early bird or night owl | chocolate or vanilla | spring or fall | silver or gold | pop or alternative | freckles or dimples | snakes or sharks | mountains or fields | thunder or lightning | egyptian mythology or greek mythology | ivory or scarlet | flute or lyre | opal or diamond | butterflies or honeybees | macarons or eclairs | typewritten or handwritten | secret garden or secret library | rooftop or balcony | spicy or mild | opera or ballet | London or Paris | Vincent van Gogh or Claude Monet | denim or leather | potions or spells | ocean or desert | mermaids or sirens | masquerade ball or cocktail party
If you want to do this, consider yourself tagged. I’m too lazy to do it myself. 😂
Rules: once you’ve answered everything, tag 10 bloggers you want to learn more about
Name/Alias: Lo
Hair colour: Dark brown, nearly black
Zodiac sign: Cancer (doesn’t fit me too well)
Height: 5′8″
Hobbies: Hiking, writing fics, playing the guitar and piano, travelling, would love tennis if my knees weren’t thrashed
Favourite colour: Indigo
Favourite books: That’s such a tough question. My favorites include Catch-22 by Joseph Heller, The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath, the Harry Potter series, and The Universe in a Nutshell by Stephen Hawking.
Last song I listened to: “Float On” by Modest Mouse (on the radio)
Last film I watched: Promare
Things I love: Friends, family, traveling, my bun, adventures, the outdoors, and anything to get my adrenaline pumping
What brings me peace: Traveling or seeing a positive impact that I’ve had in others’ lives
The meaning behind my URL: Fan = Uchiha Crest. Sasuke is a fire jutsu user. Fans have an association with fire (flan the flame). Tada!
I tag: @solochely, @uchihanochidori, @dark-naruto, @royav, @lilium-sns, @yoyce, @chat-noir-chocolat, @mipadremadara, @hotmessmuffin, @thiccandmentallysicc, and anyone else who wants to do it
