#loganthinks

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FIRST T SHOT!!!!!

Yo that’s right I got my first T shot y’all!

It was super easy (I’m lucky tho). My local pharmacy had the T I needed (reandron), I popped down to the GP like ‘uh, can I have my shot done here please?’ and my doctor said ‘oh sure, let me see if the nurse is free’ and she was (lucky again)! So I went on down the hall, lay on my stomach, and she pulled down my shorts a lil bit and in went the T!

It is a little sore, cos T is a pretty thick and oily substance and therefore they gotta go slow when injecting. But it was over pretty quick, I pulled my pants up and it was done!

I nearly skipped back home I swear. I was internally whooping with joy, and when I got into my street I externally whooped with joy. It was amazing, I was finally on T! After all this time, all this waiting, all this being held back, I was finally on T.

On one hand I couldn’t believe I’d made it, there were days when it felt impossible to make it this far. No matter where you’re at I promise you it will get better. It may take time, it may take years, but it is WORTH IT. Just being able to be the true you, live more freely, it’s an amazing feeling, and one that you CAN and WILL experience.

On the other hand I realised that I would be hitting (the proper, tho T-induced) puberty at the same time as one of my (much) younger brothers and I’d been waiting for these changes for ages.

Overall, my first shot was incredible, and I can’t wait for all the changes it will bring!

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Endocrinologist Appointment No. 2

Three weeks after my previous appointment, I went back to the endo to receive my bloodwork results. (In between I’d also gotten a sweet tattoo but that’s something else).

Going in, I was mistakenly under the impression that my first shot would be given then and there at the endo. What actually happened was that Prof. Zajac went over my bloodwork with me (it was all fine) and then went over all the effects of T (again). Having finally received the approval letter from Dr Erasmus. he printed me out a script for T with 2 repeats/refills. I DID NOT get my shot that day. I was a little disappointed, but after calling my local GP I set up for the next day to have my first shot.

So close yet so far :P

I also set up with the endo receptionist another appointment for me to come back after my third shot to check in on me.

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Dr Erasmus Appointment No. 5

I set up appointment no. 5 so, like with my mum, my dad could come in and ask any questions he might have.

He was a bit like my mum, asking questions to try make sure I ‘really was’ trans. He’d done a bit of research himself and so he cited those studies. Dr Erasmus, again, was super cool-headed and replied citing other, more reliable research as well as his professional experiences. My dad was impressed with the depth of his knowledge and the fact that he didn’t get defensive or angry at dad, which is saying something cos my dad’s pretty hard to impress.

At the end, dad had all his questions answered and he asked for some advice on how to tell his relatives, especially his elderly mother. Dr Erasmus said that using his (dad’s) own experiences he could better explain how to become accepting. It was a lot less emotionally charged than mum’s appointment with Dr Erasmus and I felt a lot better after it.

Some time later, dad and I made a plan to tell all his side of the family (more on that later)

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Dr Erasmus Appointment No. 4

I set up this appointment and invited my mum to come along, with the hopes that she could ask any questions she wanted. I’ll be honest, my hopes were pretty high that seeing a trained psychologist (Dr Erasmus) who confirmed me as a transman would make her finally accept me.

Long story short, she didn’t, which was difficult for me, hence not having written about it or anything since. My sincere apologies.

Basically the whole session was mum asking Dr Erasmus questions and trying to find any avenue she could to ‘prove’ I’m not really trans. It was hurtful to hear, but that’s nothing new from her. Dr Erasmus was very good though, he shot down all of mum’s stupid theories, citing relevant research and his personal professional experience. It was good to have someone on my side in front of her for once, rather than just having her lash into me.

The hardest part was when I brought out coming out to my siblings. I’m the oldest of 6, the youngest two being from my mum’s second marriage. The tricky thing is that my parents are split and I live with my dad, while my siblings spend most of their time at mum’s, spending just every other weekend with dad. Therefore, their views on trans things are heavily (negatively) influenced by my mum.

In the end, Dr Erasmus gave mum what I thought was good advice. ‘Be open about it [me being trans] and don’t treat it like something shameful, because it’s not’.

However, as soon as we stepped outside Dr Erasmus’ building and I asked what we wanted to do re: my siblings she said ‘let’s just not talk about it’.

SERIOUSLY?! That’s the exact opposite of what Dr Erasmus said! Anyway, that was really hurtful, and she’s basically acting like she never spoke to Dr E and still doesn’t ‘believe’ I’m trans.

But Dr Erasmus was really good and level-headed when facing mum transphobia, which was really good for me to see.

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Using the Men's Bathroom

Using a bathroom that makes you comfortable has been a tricky thing to manage for many trans people. I am no different. Do I go in the bathroom that affirms my gender? What if I don't pass? Or do I go into a bathroom that doesn't affirm my gender and feel shit about myself? For a long time my solution was just to not go to the loo in any public place. At all. If I really really had to, then I would use the disabled bathroom, which is technically the wrong thing to do as I am not a disabled person. Before this week, I had sort of been working myself up to use the men's room. I'd use the boys loo at school after hours, use the men's single stall at small parks and such. But this week, I did it. I finally did it! I used the men's room, and it was actually one of the most chill experiences of my life. I was super busting to go and felt like I was gonna shit myself, in the literal sense. As such, I was walking v fast towards the loos at a shopping centre. My plan A was to use the disabled rooms, like usual, but I noticed a woman walking behind me. I felt I couldn't use the disabled rooms because she could see I clearly wasn't disabled myself. So down the corridor I continued. The lady's was on the right and the men's, dead ahead. I'm still walking very fast at this point cos I REALLY need to go. All I can think is 'I'm not going in the lady's' and boom, I've walked into the men's. Luckily there were a bunch of stalls, one of which was empty. So far, no dramas. And that's how it stayed! A guy in another stall even answered his phone while I was in there! When I was done, I walked past the urinal, washed my hands and walked out feeling proud. My advice to any transguys out there worrying about using the men's room: it's totally understandable to be nervous. But really, all you have to do is walk right where you wanna go, do your business and walk out. No one cares who you are, we just want to pee! Everyone else is focussed on just doing their business and leaving, no one will be staring at you wondering about your gender. You can do it!

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Dr Erasmus Appointment No. 2

Today was my second appointment with Dr Erasmus at his private practice in the city. This time he asked me about myself outside my gender, like how I did at school, how I got on with my family and what things I am proud of. It was a much shorter sessions but I was happy that he was trying to get a whole picture of me rather than just my gender. I am more than my gender, and so is everyone else, cis, trans or otherwise. At the end of the appointment he said he'd send me some info on the pros and cons of medical transition. This included the psychological and social aspects, not just physical, which are very important. He also sent some questionnaires. He told me while I was there that the questionnaires are a bit dated and binary (not an issue for me as my gender is pretty binary) and assured me that if there were any questions I was uncomfortable answering that I didn't have to and we would discuss them next session. This was good to hear as it relieved any pressure I could've felt to answer everything. Next session (1 month away) we will also talk more about hormones and where to go from here to start HRT. Over all I'm happy with my experience and I'm optimistic about the future.

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Because I wore a blazer all through the last 2 3/4 years of school, and it can get to 40 degrees Celsius in the summer, I now don't feel the heat as much. So dad will be like 'it's so hot in here!!' And I'll be sitting there with two jumpers on -_-

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Today I failed my Ps drivers test. In itself this isn't a big deal, I can always try again but when I got home after I found myself pretty upset. Why? Well my Ps license, the little card you get with your name and photo, would've been my first proper form of ID with my chosen name on it. I don't look 18, my genes and chromosomes are stacked against me, but this ID would've proved it and allowed me access to bars and stuff. I don't feel comfortable showing my current ID, cos it's in my old name and I guess I was just really looking forward to having some proper accurate ID. Anyway, I'll try again soon I expect, just hope I pass this time.