#lots of babble

[altermun]

...

Uhm. I think I just figured out how to write a 600-page dissertation. This is. Um. They’re not supposed to be that long. That means I have to break my topic up into one of two things, and they both involve a lot of statistics. Though at least one of them wouldn’t follow the question, “Is there a statistical correlation between...” It would just be creating a thing using statistics to verify every fucking step.

Either way I have to come up with a way to (safely) gather abusive persons. One of the directions can make use of those who have been convicted; one of them specifically cannot. This might actually come down to whether I can ethically gather an appropriately-sized sample pool or not.

I mean there’s always bootstrapping, since I now know what that is (hahahahahahelp), but that’s not... like... real... that’s pretending you had more of a sample pool with a computer. I want a real pool! -Whine- -- Ooh, and a swimming pool...

Okay, okay, okay...

I think I would be content doing either topic for my dissertation. I would love more than anything to do the WHOLE idea (which goes beyond what I’m thinking right now and takes a nosedive straight into neuroscience), but I think I know in which direction I’m going to be pushed.

Well no, maybe I don’t???

Because, like, one of the topics, although I believe it would indeed venture into some original research, is just kind of a thing that stops after I’ve either found a correlation or haven’t. The other one is more of me creating something that does a thing which could be used by other people (but this is the part where I’m like “BUT THERE’S MORE TO DO WITH THIS AND I NEED NEUROIMAGING CAPABILITIES!!”). It could stop after the thing is created and (in theory) empirically validated, but it’s like step 2 in my head, and I want to do more with it. Like use it myself to do another massive study which involves treatment, more empirical validation, and a couple years between start and finish.

-SIGH-

I think I’m just going to have to come to terms with my limitations. No, Irene, you can’t do neuroimaging at your school. That is decidedly out.

Now... which is more important to me? Finding a correlation and proving myself - well, not wrong, since you can’t technically prove anything with statistics. But proving myself not wrong? Or creating a tool to use in my field and potentially using it to further research in the future?

Not that the proving-myself-not-wrong can’t be used to further research in the future, but the other is a bit more direct in that. Proving myself not wrong could lead into the need for validating neuroimaging steps, and might toss me in the direction of a neuropsych post-doc (which I’m kinda planning to do anyway), or at least psychopharmacology, but then I’m basically doing experimental stuff, and... I... don’t really have a problem with that? Doing the experimental stuff would... it would be really exciting, actually. But I’d probably have to buckle down and learn chemistry for real. Buuuut I feel like I could do that, now.

The other one, creating a tool, could be put to use more quickly. It would almost just add into research that’s already been done in the field in an area people have kind of given up on. I’d be more likely to stay in the realm of clinical psychology and treating clients, potentially delving into changing some things in the area of court-mandated treatment. I have connections who could help me do things like that. I’d have to learn more law, but that’s already something I’ve been passively doing for a few years.

Wow. I really don’t know. If I follow the paths long enough, they eventually lead to the same place - treating the “untreatable,” but doing it better. One just involves chemistry and boops me into a spot I don’t think I could go with the other one. This is gonna take a lot of... I don’t know.

It’s not like I can’t do both eventually. I just. I feel like I have to choose my direction now, and I keep leaning toward neuroscience. But that’s not what I went to this school for.

[certainlyawitch]

it appears that with all my newfound freedom from exams i am channeling that energy into getting overly emotional about umineko. again. again. again. again.

...

but being free from exams is good regardless.

[eirenical]

So... the turning of the year has been interesting so far...

(MAJOR AMOUNTS OF BABBLE and a bit of TMI below the cut.  Sorry... :P)

First off, I ended 2015 SUPER stressed and bummed out.  As a result, you’ll have noticed I haven’t been around much and my queue keeps running out.  One of the reasons is that my final Worker’s Comp hearing was on the 30th and YET AGAIN a judge completely fucked me over for things that were beyond my control.  And even though I was expecting it to go that way (because I always expect the worst when it comes to having faith in systems and people), it was still a major blow and I wasn’t as ready for it as I expected to be.  There’s a part of me still sitting around wailing “But that’s not fair!!” as if that part of me somehow, despite all evidence to the contrary, EXPECTED IT TO EVER BE FAIR.  *shakes head at self*  So, yeah.  Major bummer.

Anyway, the New Year came and the Old Year went and I caved in when my sister suggested we go back to Weight Watchers.  And that was a HUGE mistake.  I’d been feeling pretty low all week and just generally cranky and I was exhausted and the meeting was early and for any of you who caught all my angst yesterday... yeah.  That’s what that was.  Needless to say, that one meeting was enough to convince me that the direction they’re currently taking their program is NOT going to work for me and I canceled the membership I’d just bought... and I’m OK with that.  When I’m ready to take the weight off, I will.  But right now, my mental battery is already running down by 5 PM most days and I just don’t have the energy to deal with that.  So, I won’t.

One of the reasons that they pissed me off so much was that they’re taking this new “holistic approach” to weight loss that amounts to “if you feel good about yourself and develop excellent self-esteem and are completely mentally healthy, then the pounds will just magically disappear!”  And you know what?  They’re not entirely wrong there... but IF IT WERE THAT SIMPLE, I WOULDN’T NEED A WEIGHT LOSS PROGRAM, NOR WOULD I NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU ARE NOT A TRAINED THERAPIST, MS. WEIGHT WATCHER LEADER, SO KINDLY TO GET OUT OF MY HEAD PLEASE AND THANK.  ugh.  So, yeah.  That fucked with my head something awful.

Here’s a funny thing, though.  After the meeting when they gather the new people to explain the program, the leader said something snooty to me about “Well, do you have your little book?  Are you going to take it out?” and I just slowly raised my head and stared her down and said, “I have it. I’m good.”  And the best part is that when my sister and I were talking afterwords, she said to me, “OMG, though.  Your response to her was amazing.  I can’t believe she even said that.  I know not to even talk to you when you have that look on your face.  That’s why I didn’t say anything to you all meeting!”  And that was both hilarious and reassuring, because these days, a lot of the time, I feel like my sister and I have drifted so far apart that we barely even know each other, you know?  So, to know that she can still read me that well was really nice.  ^_^  (This is the same look, BTW, that caused my misogynist shithead of a boss--who always used to interrupt me and make me work on my break instead of bothering the boys--to say, “You know what, actually?  Never mind.  You look comfy.  I’ll get one of the boys to do it,” and then slowly back out of the room and flee.  It was HILARIOUS.  XD  ...and that should have been my first clue.  :P)

Because later that day?  CRAMPS.  SUCH CRAMPS.  UGH.  And really, my low state, my increased anxiety, my attitude, THAT LOOK (which I can only ever manage at the heights of PMS), and my general irritation with everyone and everything, should have clued me in, but didn’t.  :P  I’M A BIT SLOW SOMETIMES.  And of course, my mom, sister and I were going to see a show in the city that night (last night) and I was supposed to be seeing the new SW movie with a friend this morning.  In spite of crampiness, though, I went to the show with my sister and mom and we had an AMAZING time.  We really did.  ^_^  And I was even in a better mood this morning and said friend and I had a really pleasant drive out to the theatre... only to find that the movie was STILL SOLD OUT EXCEPT FOR THE FIRST ROW, ARGH.  *hangs head*  WHY DID I NOT CHECK???

But she was really philosophically good-natured about it and said, “Well, we can come back tomorrow and it was a good day for an outing, a pleasant drive, and good conversation!”  And you know what?  She was right.  ^_^  So we got our tickets for tomorrow (which isn’t even CLOSE to sold out and if I’d thought about it, I’d never have suggested Sunday to begin with :P), got a drink at Starbucks and headed home. 

And halfway home?  CUE MASSIVE 2ND DAY EXHAUSTION.  EVERY. FUCKING. MONTH.  O_o;;;  Seriously, I’m like clockwork.  On the second day, it’s like every ounce of energy I have just drains out of me and I can barely keep my eyes open.  But I made it home and we talked a bit more, then parted ways, and I crept upstairs and put my pajamas back on and laid down in bed with a book.  THREE HOURS LATER, I WOKE UP.  -.-;;;  That second day is the only day I can nap and not feel worse when I get up.  Like, I’ve found that if I give in to the exhaustion fully and completely and just sleep, when I wake up I feel almost normal.  No more uber-low, cry-about-every-little-thing feelings.  No more CRUSHING EXHAUSTION.  It’s like a reset button and it’s fucking amazing.  I’m still not going to push myself too hard today, but really, I feel much better.  ^_^

(Also, I got an amazing pair of messages from @elissa-nerd-writer-24601 telling me things that I think I really, really needed to hear and that lifted my spirits SO much that I think I will be writing things this afternoon.  ^_^  So, THANK YOU.  ^______________^)

And really, just... general thank you to all of you who have been supportive this year.  I’m not the only one who had a hard 2015, and it means so much to me that no matter how low we’ve all felt, we’ve still been there supporting each other, and it’s really mean so so much to me.  I’m not going to name names, just in case I forget someone, but you all know who you are and you’re amazing.  (And if you think this is about you, it probably is.  ^_~)

I love you all and I’m so glad I have you in my life.  ^_^

And even though the end of 2015 and the beginning of 2016 were kind of rough, here’s hoping this accidental three hour nap was a reset on more than just my physical energy.  Get at me, 2016.  I’m finally ready for you!

[ilwinsgarden]

Sometimes I wish there wasn’t things like television, internet and so. 

There (unfortunately) always have been various fights and wars and killing and disasters all over the world, but people didn’t know about them. They didn’t hear about various disasters from all over the world. Now media hurry to inform whole world about all kinds of catastrophes. Choosing which one to talk about and which one not though. There is still killing and fighting and dying all over the world every day, but some events just get highlighted in medias. I’m not trying to belittle any killing or dying!, I’d just like to know who and what should I believe then? (like when they keep telling that compared to Christians Islam is so cruel because they have terrorists that in the name of their god kill people and so. And what about the Crusades? Christians turning half of the world - forcing  half of the world to throw away their own gods and turn Christian too? What about witch- hunt?  I’m not trying to excuse the killing of course, killing is still bad no matter who does it! But see my point? Who’s right?)  We’re daily covered with tons of information (mostly those of negative character), that we common people can do nothing about. Well, yes of course we can start to behave better when we see lots of people acting badly, or start to sort the waste when we see it would help the nature. But the way the news are usually put and constant repeating amount of them is just too much for common people. Too much information. I’m not trying to say to ignore events in world or in one’s home country but then again, considering selection of media - what and who to believe?

I’m over 30 years old now, from common point of view I’m adult and so I should know what to do, know what to believe, should be able to tell what is wrong and what is right and know how to solve the problems. Except I have no idea. What to believe, who to believe or how to tell truth and lie apart. 

So I cling to fandom (and music) tightly. I can watch stories there from outside and basically tell what is right and what is wrong, maybe when I see that thing next time in real I’d know if it is right or wrong this time? Maybe not. But I still will rather read Little Women for one thousand and third time than watch today news. 

(Right. Kind of apologize for posting this, as I usually avoid such stuff here just because of what I’ve just written here, but it was going on in my mind through all today’s day shift and I wanted to try to write it down to make it clearer for myself (probably didn’t help and it’s just confusing mess moreover I’m afraid) (I’m also bit afraid that some parts could sound out the other way than what I tried to express), so probably don’t try to reply or something. If someone would even read it. Just don’t mind me... *sigh*))

So that’s all, now if you’d excuse me I have fanfics to write, pictures to draw, some crochet dolls to make and other important things to do...