#so much babble

[kazosa]

Whenever I try to write a Jensen or Dean fic, it never goes well and that sucks...

[whatampsydoing]

Hmmm...

So my boyfriend and I never fight - except for that one time, but I sorta broke it off for like a couple weeks and then begged him back and yeah...

But other than that, we don’t really fight. We bicker a little sometimes over trivial shit, but when it’s something like my feelings being hurt because he didn’t jump on helping me pilot-test my survey, I basically examined my feels for a second, told him what was in my brain, and he immediately apologized and explained what was really going on, on his end, which completely fixed my hurt feelings.

That’s pretty much what happens every time.

I don’t know if this just means we’re both really good at communicating (which speaks volumes, because I always feel like I struggle with it), or if he’s WAY too tolerant and there’s an issue of holding back emotions.

I like to think he’d say something if he was bothered by something I said or did, but I don’t know. I know I intimidate people sometimes and I know he’s determined never to lose me again. But I mean, his condition for getting back together was “you have to talk to me. You have to tell me when something’s wrong,” and I’d like to think he sticks to the same promise after I said “I will if you do, too.” I just - I dunno if he’s too understanding, or if he just really is understanding, and just really is perfect for me. He absolutely has his flaws, don’t get me wrong, and I absolutely have mine, but... well, Deadpool said it best: “Your crazy fits my crazy.”

Also I just have to gush for a second because I so adore his entire family. Over memorial day his professional chef uncle made pasta with a red sauce, mussels, and clams (which I had admittedly never tried), and his dad made steak, and the bf, his mom, an aunt, their neighbors, and I all sat around talking and laughing and telling stories - his mom always tries to get me wine, but I’m laying off the alcohol because Crohn’s - but I had the best time just chilling with them all. Introduced myself to the neighbors and talked about what I was working on in school...

It’s funny, people have a hard time wrapping their heads around me being (almost) a second-year clinical psychology doctoral student. I look like a kid; I could pass for like a decade younger than I am. So I’ll often give examples of professional projects I’m headed toward, or a dissertation idea I’m refining...

Anyway, his family. He is so very much his father’s son - they argued for like an hour about how the new grill they got would work if you tried to use the rotisserie function, and his mom and aunt and I were just laughing. I adore his little sister and have told him I’m stealing her. When I walked in and said hi to her (she was hanging out with her friends and I didn’t wanna interrupt), I heard one of them ask who I was. She said I was her brother’s girlfriend, but added that I was really cool and kept talking about me quietly as I walked into the backyard. I wish I’d dragged my feet so I could hear what else she said. Lol.

So, boyfriend babble over,

*SIGH*...

It’s just 6:03 AM right now. If I can figure out how to switch tumblr accounts on my phone I may post a veritable bombardment of kitten pictures later. I put them pretty much everywhere but here, and you guys absolutely deserve to see the adorable.

Also I’m gazing longingly at my piano and kicking myself for not playing the last couple of days. I had planned to get sooo much more work done - but at least I started my presentation, and I’ve started that 9-13 page midterm paper due on the 15th... My survey IS ready to be put on-line (the link to my survey and a few others will be posted a few times), I just have to do it - I think I have the language bugs worked out at this point... I have to start putting together my presentation on the TAT, and see if I can find my assessments and/or interpretations from my Master’s program (and print off my best(?) MMPI-2 report from this class) for my interview tomorrow (Eee, tomorrow!)... I HAVE to start researching more about the PCL-R so I can start that paper; I need to start researching the pieces of my identity for that paper (first I have to pick wtf to represent me and how to design a project that encompasses it...omg). For my testing class, I’m really just waiting for feedback on my most recent report. I’ve been really lax about getting the reading done these last couple of weeks and it’s no good. Gotta tighten things up in mah brain...

I’ve been told the third semester of the second year (I think) is the hardest, in this program. I’m trying to convince myself I’ll get all this done. I mean I will. I just haven’t figured out how. I THINK having a running to-do list is helping?

Welcome to doc school. Wow.

[eirenical]

So, when all is said and done, today, I did not do any more grading.  And that’s... kind of bad.  BUT, I’ve had this one paper hanging over my head for almost a year now (literally--I took this damned class LAST FUCKING JUNE), and my incomplete for the class has long since languished into an ‘F.’  And the reason that happened is that I kept putting off working on this paper in favor of doing shit for my job until it reached anxiety-attack-inducing proportions for me to even THINK about the paper.

And I don’t know what happened today, but after almost a year of “I’ll work on it on the next week I have off... or the next... or the next... or never...” I finally said, “FUCK THIS FOR A LARK, I’M SITTING DOWN AND WRITING THE DAMNED THING.”

And... I did?

I had one section written.  I have to write four.  I edited the section I’d written according to my professor’s notes, went and found new articles for the other three sections (because most of the ones I had found before were... not what I needed, to say the least), and I wrote the second of the four sections.  I would really like nothing more than to finish the other two sections tonight because, damn it, now that I’m started and I’m kind of on a roll, I WANT IT DONE.

...but I also have to leave to go to work tomorrow in about 11 hours.  Which means that bedtime is quickly approaching.  (I usually try to head to bed circa 9 PM on nights I have to be in that early.  Logic dictates that if I stop now, I can VERY easily sit down tomorrow afternoon and finish the rest.  I guess I’ll just have to do my best to convince myself that I’m a success for getting going on it in the first place, instead of a failure for not getting it done.

Then again, I suppose it was unrealistic in the first place to expect to do all the research, all the reading, all the analyzing and synthesizing, AND most of the writing for what amounts to the first major section of the lit. review of my dissertation in one sitting.  I should probably be more disturbed that I almost did it than that I didn’t manage it?  O_o;;;  IDEK.  The POINT, though, is that now that I’m started again, I remember how easy this shit was to do in the first place and that now one MAJOR fucking task almost off my back and no longer causing me crippling anxiety.  My therapist will be so damned proud.  ^_^

And now... discretion is definitely the better part of valor at the moment, so I think I’m going to quit while I’m ahead, go curl up with my cat and read for the next hour or two, and leave the rest of this for tomorrow.

[altermun]

The only reason I know it’s not Monday is my boyfriend isn’t here.

>.O

It absolutely feels like a Monday. I have a quizxam (because I don’t know if he’s calling it a damn quiz or an exam) in stats this morning, and I have no idea what - OH right, I have a take-home exam due for the other class by Saturday night.

I also have my three-different-schools-of-thought-on-psychopathic-personality paper due on the 27th (Either I’ll surprise myself and make this deadline like a BAMF, or I’m gonna need until like the 10th to get it done). I have to have my “Humanizing Batterers” poster in my hands to take with me on the 29th. My four-different-papers-in-one paper is due on the 30th, when I will be in Pittsburgh. Also on the 30th I have an exam for the same class as the four-papers-in-one paper. On the 31st I give my poster spiel to people as they walk by and hope I catch peoples’ attention with it. On the 3rd (which is the Monday I get back from Pittsburgh) I have a paper due about my experience doing community outreach (which I may or may not have actually done... -cough-). I’m not sure how long that’s supposed to be, but I imagine this professor will at least be okay with me turning it in a bit late. On the 3rd I’m pretty sure I also have an exam in my psychopathology class... and aaaaaaaallllll of that is supposed to happen in the next 11 days. Including writing two papers and designing a poster (which I’m sure will be overnight-mailed again)...

><

This means I might have to miss my (presumably) future little sister’s science olympiad this weekend. OR I take my computer, lug it along, and do what work I can. Or I just take ONE day to be human and forget about the work. I love her and I love that she’s into the STEM fields as well as art and music. Like, she could EASILY be my biological little sister.

Which reminds me. The boyfriend and I actually had the talk about name-changing last weekend. It came up when I talked about telling my dad that he had to stay alive long enough for me to make stupid jokes about people not being able to tell the two of us apart because we’d both be doctors in very similar fields (but with different credentials). My boyfriend said, “You might be a different doctor by then,” just sort of in passing. I said, “What if I wanna keep my last name?” And he just looked at me. I snorted because I couldn’t keep the “innocent, wide-eyed, blinking” look going for that long, and admitted that I had always planned to change my last name. Because while I’m all for keeping the family name going, there are SOME old fashioned traditions I don’t mind so much. He made a comment about hyphenating, and then we tried it and it was just... like... no. I never wanted to do that anyway. I’d be happy to be one of their family, and mine will happily take him in. And they’ll love his little sister.

The one thing I’m REALLY happy about is that neither set of parents is pushing for grandchildren, or poking us, like “when’re you getting engaged? When are you getting married? Huh? Huh?” I finally had one friend straight up ask me “So when are you gonna marry this guy? He’s perfect for you!” and I did not know what to do. I just said we were taking things slowly - and we are. He KNOWS I don’t need a wedding to plan on top of everything else. ***Skip if avoiding marriage/wedding babble*** Besides - his parents AND mind would want some sort of huge ceremony AND celebration. But luckily they don’t get to make that decision unless they’re paying for everything, and neither family has the capacity for that. The actual marriage ceremony might be very small, once we get to figuring that out. We agree, at least, that there should be an awesome reception, but... I dunno. Neither of us want the big ceremonial thing. I’d be so, so happy to have family, bridesmaids/groomsmen, and like five friends from each side somewhere pretty. The reception would be the celebration and the fun part anyway, and more people could actually enjoy that, us included. We have not had the bachelor/bachelorette party discussion(s) yet. I’m indifferent. Lol.

SO SORRY ABOUT THE BABBLE. 

Kind of.

I dunno. It makes me happy. He makes me happy. ALSO, he cleaned like the entire apartment last weekend. Okay it was just the living room, but the amount of cleaning he did in a couple hours would’ve taken me three days. And he did it of his own accord, out of the blue, and even had a talk with me about how he’s happy to be able to help me, and how cleaning this place makes it feel more like home to him - which is the actual next step. Once things calm down at his job (lots of changes taking place), and he’s ready, we’re moving him in here for real. But the fact that he feels at home here means everything to me. 

Ugh. I have to get ready to go, like, 12 minutes ago - 13 - and I do not want. Yeeeeey stats quizxam...

[eirenical]

So... the turning of the year has been interesting so far...

(MAJOR AMOUNTS OF BABBLE and a bit of TMI below the cut.  Sorry... :P)

First off, I ended 2015 SUPER stressed and bummed out.  As a result, you’ll have noticed I haven’t been around much and my queue keeps running out.  One of the reasons is that my final Worker’s Comp hearing was on the 30th and YET AGAIN a judge completely fucked me over for things that were beyond my control.  And even though I was expecting it to go that way (because I always expect the worst when it comes to having faith in systems and people), it was still a major blow and I wasn’t as ready for it as I expected to be.  There’s a part of me still sitting around wailing “But that’s not fair!!” as if that part of me somehow, despite all evidence to the contrary, EXPECTED IT TO EVER BE FAIR.  *shakes head at self*  So, yeah.  Major bummer.

Anyway, the New Year came and the Old Year went and I caved in when my sister suggested we go back to Weight Watchers.  And that was a HUGE mistake.  I’d been feeling pretty low all week and just generally cranky and I was exhausted and the meeting was early and for any of you who caught all my angst yesterday... yeah.  That’s what that was.  Needless to say, that one meeting was enough to convince me that the direction they’re currently taking their program is NOT going to work for me and I canceled the membership I’d just bought... and I’m OK with that.  When I’m ready to take the weight off, I will.  But right now, my mental battery is already running down by 5 PM most days and I just don’t have the energy to deal with that.  So, I won’t.

One of the reasons that they pissed me off so much was that they’re taking this new “holistic approach” to weight loss that amounts to “if you feel good about yourself and develop excellent self-esteem and are completely mentally healthy, then the pounds will just magically disappear!”  And you know what?  They’re not entirely wrong there... but IF IT WERE THAT SIMPLE, I WOULDN’T NEED A WEIGHT LOSS PROGRAM, NOR WOULD I NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU ARE NOT A TRAINED THERAPIST, MS. WEIGHT WATCHER LEADER, SO KINDLY TO GET OUT OF MY HEAD PLEASE AND THANK.  ugh.  So, yeah.  That fucked with my head something awful.

Here’s a funny thing, though.  After the meeting when they gather the new people to explain the program, the leader said something snooty to me about “Well, do you have your little book?  Are you going to take it out?” and I just slowly raised my head and stared her down and said, “I have it. I’m good.”  And the best part is that when my sister and I were talking afterwords, she said to me, “OMG, though.  Your response to her was amazing.  I can’t believe she even said that.  I know not to even talk to you when you have that look on your face.  That’s why I didn’t say anything to you all meeting!”  And that was both hilarious and reassuring, because these days, a lot of the time, I feel like my sister and I have drifted so far apart that we barely even know each other, you know?  So, to know that she can still read me that well was really nice.  ^_^  (This is the same look, BTW, that caused my misogynist shithead of a boss--who always used to interrupt me and make me work on my break instead of bothering the boys--to say, “You know what, actually?  Never mind.  You look comfy.  I’ll get one of the boys to do it,” and then slowly back out of the room and flee.  It was HILARIOUS.  XD  ...and that should have been my first clue.  :P)

Because later that day?  CRAMPS.  SUCH CRAMPS.  UGH.  And really, my low state, my increased anxiety, my attitude, THAT LOOK (which I can only ever manage at the heights of PMS), and my general irritation with everyone and everything, should have clued me in, but didn’t.  :P  I’M A BIT SLOW SOMETIMES.  And of course, my mom, sister and I were going to see a show in the city that night (last night) and I was supposed to be seeing the new SW movie with a friend this morning.  In spite of crampiness, though, I went to the show with my sister and mom and we had an AMAZING time.  We really did.  ^_^  And I was even in a better mood this morning and said friend and I had a really pleasant drive out to the theatre... only to find that the movie was STILL SOLD OUT EXCEPT FOR THE FIRST ROW, ARGH.  *hangs head*  WHY DID I NOT CHECK???

But she was really philosophically good-natured about it and said, “Well, we can come back tomorrow and it was a good day for an outing, a pleasant drive, and good conversation!”  And you know what?  She was right.  ^_^  So we got our tickets for tomorrow (which isn’t even CLOSE to sold out and if I’d thought about it, I’d never have suggested Sunday to begin with :P), got a drink at Starbucks and headed home. 

And halfway home?  CUE MASSIVE 2ND DAY EXHAUSTION.  EVERY. FUCKING. MONTH.  O_o;;;  Seriously, I’m like clockwork.  On the second day, it’s like every ounce of energy I have just drains out of me and I can barely keep my eyes open.  But I made it home and we talked a bit more, then parted ways, and I crept upstairs and put my pajamas back on and laid down in bed with a book.  THREE HOURS LATER, I WOKE UP.  -.-;;;  That second day is the only day I can nap and not feel worse when I get up.  Like, I’ve found that if I give in to the exhaustion fully and completely and just sleep, when I wake up I feel almost normal.  No more uber-low, cry-about-every-little-thing feelings.  No more CRUSHING EXHAUSTION.  It’s like a reset button and it’s fucking amazing.  I’m still not going to push myself too hard today, but really, I feel much better.  ^_^

(Also, I got an amazing pair of messages from @elissa-nerd-writer-24601 telling me things that I think I really, really needed to hear and that lifted my spirits SO much that I think I will be writing things this afternoon.  ^_^  So, THANK YOU.  ^______________^)

And really, just... general thank you to all of you who have been supportive this year.  I’m not the only one who had a hard 2015, and it means so much to me that no matter how low we’ve all felt, we’ve still been there supporting each other, and it’s really mean so so much to me.  I’m not going to name names, just in case I forget someone, but you all know who you are and you’re amazing.  (And if you think this is about you, it probably is.  ^_~)

I love you all and I’m so glad I have you in my life.  ^_^

And even though the end of 2015 and the beginning of 2016 were kind of rough, here’s hoping this accidental three hour nap was a reset on more than just my physical energy.  Get at me, 2016.  I’m finally ready for you!