Lying in bed all day on a Friday instead of being at work because I am too beige to exist in the world and I am dreading the fact that I have to go and collect my son soon and I really want a cigarette and the only thing stopping me from buying a pack is the fact that my money is not only my own anymore and I can feel my wife’s disappointed acceptance and I cried after my mother left last week because my son’s eyes are huge and brown and soulful and he didn’t understand why he only gets to see grandma once or twice a year and my dad has prostate cancer and I am 34 and doing nothing with my life and I am nothing but a medical administrator with $70,000 of student loan debt and I had to turn up the volume on my brown noise on the tram the other day because a bunch of interns from my work got on the tram and were discussing which awesome rotation they were on and I am so bitter that I’ll never be a doctor and I don’t get a do-over on this life and I deserved more.
But also my wife just texted that she’s coming home early from work drinks and she is so soft to cuddle and smells so nice, and my son always runs across the room and furiously hugs my knees when I come to collect him from daycare so I suppose things could be worse, and I don’t crave the drama of my 20s but I just didn’t realise how beige things would be.
Anyway, I guess I get to take my son to see fireworks for the first time tomorrow so that will be good