Dear Friend, Molly and I talked today. About Robert. It’s funny, I know I still have feelings for him, strong feelings… But what are they? Could be anything. I can’t deal with them. That’s for sure. Good god I loved him. More than I can say. I suppose you get the picture, how far back our story goes. But just one more flashback before I divulge. Christmas! The most wonderful time of the year. I’m turning fifteen, and Robert’s already there. I’ve said before, parties within our families, are like strip clubs and politicians. They know they shouldn’t be there. And if the wrong people find out they’re screwed. Well. I was just being introduced to drinking, and my parents allowed me a bottle of beer, to start developing a tolerance, so someday I don’t go and chug a bottle of Daniel’s and promptly cease living. Unfortunately Robert had other plans regarding my tolerance. He reckoned a more hands on approach would work better. So two hours and six hastily drank bottles of beer later, I’m struggling to accept the fact, I might just be drunk. It gets late, and I haven’t sobered up in the slightest. And I see an equally tipsy Robert in Jessie’s closet… As you do. I go over and get inside the closer with him, and see he’s texting. I ask him what’s up, and these obviously fake sobs are my response. But, who am I to question? I pep talk him, as a girl he’s seeing is having some issues with depression and is going through a particular rough patch and wants to die. I’m not sure if this girl ever existed, but I advised him. He knew it was a tough topic for me. We had since emerged from the warm wooden confines of the wardrobe and into the equally stuffy bedroom. I sit on the bed, and he stands in front, between my legs. He thanks me and hugs me a little too long. And when he pulls back, he kisses me on the cheek close to the lips. Except it wasn’t one of those funny kisses you laugh off, It was one of those kisses that prompt another, and another, until my jaw and neck are peppered. And one hand is on my hip, the other on the neck. As tipsy as I was I wanted to contribute, so I went in to kiss his cheek, but he moved, and we kissed. It stunned me a moment. And I pulled back, and he looked at me in that confused way, until Jessie and Charlotte butted in and began to tease, they had seen it all. It was embarrassing, and the next morning, Jessie and I asked him about it, and he played dumb. But the next night, we were playing truth and dare. Every dare Charlotte and Jessie gave me and Robert, were to kiss. We didn’t. And when we ran out of truths and chickens, we quit the game. Laughing. But only an hour later, he took me aside and held me. “Do you want to kiss me?” Those were the words I’d always wanted to hear. Always. And finally, here they were, coming out of his perfect mouth. I didn’t realise then, but he wasn’t perfect, in the slightest. But it didn’t change my feelings, it was just more of a challenge to care about him, and keep him safe. Safe. I played it safe and asked him, “Do you want to kiss me?” This, as you can imagine, carried on for quite a bit. And we texted each other, while we sat together, so Jessie and Charlotte wouldn’t know. But he has to leave, we kept texting but never spoke of it again. Had he have asked TO kiss me, there’s probably a good chance this blog would be about love, kisses and baby names. But it’s about love, kisses, deceit and despair. Which in sure is far more fun to read, but it is, I can a sure you, far more miserable to live. This event triggered probably the worst decision I’ve yet to make in my short, very frankly boring life, getting a boyfriend to make him jealous… It worked… But the boy was secretly gay, sucking his best friend’s cock behind my back, an asshole, and quite frankly… Not good looking… In the slightest. But it was a non-threatening ugly. At least… And it did make him jealous you know. A bit too jealous. I know it was late… But I’ll work on timing, it’s all I think about, yet it’s hard to write down. And admit it. To potentially, the world. Love SJ x