#lovelydalithings

[lovelydali-blog]

I’ve reached an age where I can make level-headed decisions. I’m an adult, I live on my own, and I have free reign to steer my life in whatever direction.

I’m a careful thinker when it comes to making decisions, especially big ones so when I can ACTUALLY agree on something, it was well thought out and I’ve looked over all the possibilities and outcomes. That’s just me. If i’m even like 85% or 95% sure, I still would say no, because that 5-15% can make a big difference! So I’m thinking I should probably tell my parents, who will indeed flip the frack out, that I might be going to move to France for an extended amount of time, a year or more. I came back from a 3-month vacation to France in August, and I’ll admit (in retrospect) that I wasnt fully prepared to just move away for even that long of a time. I was happy most days, and I was miserable as well.

 It was the first time i left the comfort of my regular American civilian life to live a new French civilian life. It was obviously unequal in the ways where i wasnt that fluent in the language, i couldnt get a legitimate job, and i didnt have any money while living with my in-laws. I’d never been as trapped since i was a teen living with my mom. It was a different trapped. I pretty much raised my little brother Jeebs from the time i was a young girl til i was about 18. Needless to say, i love my brother but i was home a lot, i didnt go out often or for long because i was the one that had to stay home to watch him while mom worked. My older sister was living out her life of fun and i was jealous, but i still socialized from my own home. It was ok. i had an xbox. lol.

But this trapped that i felt was so new, like i had no opportunity or freedom. I wasn’t able to communicate (which made me feel dumb because i couldnt sound smart), i was afraid of getting stopped by the police when i drove, and we didnt go out (which was fine) but my hobbies include my teenage hobbies: netflix, TV, video games and junk food. Whereas in France everyone exercises and... exercises. It made me feel bad to have my in-laws think i was such a loser (when i’m actually a hard worker!), but they didnt mind what i did at all. Only thing that mattered was that i was happy in their home and i was too dumb to realize at the time. Anyway, i do realize now what i need if i was ever to live there again, and as bad as my lows sound, i would love to live there. I really loved it, and i want to live there but its Antoine who is stopping me.

Surprisingly, the only thing prolonging this move is my husband who I know is completely thrilled to live at home again. He longs for it more than i think i ever or anyone ever longed for anything ever. After considering everything in our lives, we’ve come to the decision to move but its one of Antoine’s personal interests that keeps us from moving. SHOCKING. Literally shocking to me that he’s like “oh i  miss home” and then he’s like “but its too cloudy for me to do my astrophotography.” It is probably the stupidest thing i’ve ever heard, it could have been anything, but it being that just baffles me. It is sweet, i do have to say. That his hobby (which he picked up after we came back to America because he was so bored and so sad to be away again) would be the one thing that would tie him here. In my science way of thinking, yes, the desert is a great place to take space photos, no clouds, weather is ok most of the time, and its the desert... its a vast land of no one around. His hometown is in the north, near the ocean, beautiful weather, but cloudy and there are no “black zones” as Antoine refers to. (you could google it, its for light pollution)

Anyway, I’ve grown up a lot since my trip, i came back with a new attitude and I was ready to face the world. I went back into the workforce immediately upon arrival and I even got promoted after all this time while going to school. I didn’t do so hot in school lol, but i got through it. I mostly held up the working part because i kinda had a feeling we were going to move away, so i wanted to start saving money and get cut off from Antoine’s parents who graciously helped us until Antoine graduated, which he did two weeks ago! Like its a lot to work with because i’m a young person, i’m married and i happen to be married to a foreigner. Not easy, but we’re doing really great in our relationship. So much so that we are able to talk about tough stuff and still get through it. Anyway, i’ve got backups for all occasions so I’m just going to roll with it. But i think i should definitely discuss the possibility with my parents. 

[lovelydali-blog]

I’m gonna be real as fuck right here right now.

 I’m almost so completely desperate to go to disneyland within the next month, but i’ve devastated my spending money already until next payday and i have money in my savings but its for a new car... in the not so near future... I really want to go, the need is insatiable. I can’t even think about it, it drives me nuts. I would go for a quick fix and bust out a day trip with friends who already have annual passes, but idk. We never find the right time to be together so i dont know if we can even pull it off. I could spend $300 on the trip there, no park hopper one day ticket, eat, and come back, maybe even for cheaper! But its too much uncertainty. It drives me away but i keep thinking about it and i cant stop wondering how amazing it’ll be to be there again. and $300 is like half of an annual pass already, i should just buy the annual pass. I wish i was like 15 again so i could use my quincenera money for an annual pass. I just had to buy an xbox... omg thinking about past expenses is too dumb. I honestly cant even RN. Nope. Nope. Nope. So desperate. shoulda thought twice about my fvcking sick ass tattoo or made antoine pay for groceries... Omg Disneyland, why it gotta be like that tho. A poor bitch needs to have fun with her inner child sometimes too bc life is too hard. Gurrrr.

[lovelydali-blog]

I deleted my side blog bc i thought it would be a great outlet for me while in France, but it became a flop after awhile and i was glad i did it but its gone... whoops. 

[lovelydali-blog]

I’m starting to get super annoyed by a lot of recent “adulting” posts i’m seeing, mostly on facebook. :b “I cant adult today.” “The worst thing i’ve ever done is become an adult.” “Adulting seemed like it’d be more fun.” like get over it. I felt the feels before yeah, but im like kinda sick of people complaining about adulting bc they romanticize the days when they didnt have to do anything, like when they were young. Like you’re still fvcking young man, eat cereal for dinner, watch cartoons and movies, play all the damn video games. do whatever you need to in order to feel better, and just bc you’re 20+ now and legally an adult doesnt mean you’re over the hill already and should desperately try to hang on to your lazy do-nothing days. i feel like dying every other day from the pressure of keeping myself afloat but i’m a grown woman, and thats what grown women do. Its what everyone does. They take care of themselves. i think that blaming your ability to “adult” is like refusing to do that. “dang, thats so hard, i’m just gonna not do it so i can fuck myself over later.” Its life, it sucks, get over it. in a not fucked up way, but like literally go with the flow and take it as it comes if you refuse or choose not to “adult” or push back and fight your way to a better lifestyle to make yourself feel better about the way you’re living your life. 

[lovelydali-blog]

As a less anxiety-anger-filled rant, there were some good things about France that i’m super sad to let go. 

Firstly, my in-laws. Like they are really incredible and i wish i was less shy and more open (bc for some reason i feel like i am but can’t pull through) with them. They’re just so great and i wish i could do better by them, but they like me. They love me. I’m doing just enough, especially taking care of Antoine. Lets face it, he’s a french rich-kid farmboy that went to America with hopes and dreams but didn’t really know how to properly take care of himself. That doesnt mean that he didn’t know how, he did it but didn’t do it the best way he could have. Not half-assed but his mama was the one cleaning his laundry and putting away his dishes bc he didn’t rise to the occasion. Oh Antoine. But i love the way his mom runs her house. She’s like the queen and reigning dominant here, not to say that dad doesn’t have an input. If you’ve seen the pics i posted of their house, all of the decorating is hers and she is a neat and organized kinda lady. All the things i’ve seen to keep the house in tip-top shape are coming back with me to America and as much as i dont want to be like Antoine’s mom and mother Antoine when we’re at OUR home, i will bc i like what she’s done here and that’s also what he’s used to as well. He’ll be off his ass later. I HOPE. ANYWHO. The healthcare here is awesome, no need explaining that one. Its freeeee, that’s what matters to poor people like meeee. Free wisdom tooth extraction. Surgery. Birth control. And the bakeries. I’m going to half miss that one bc i’ve eaten way too much bread in these last three months than i have in like a year. But i’m going to remember some recipes so i can still feel connected. I also love the nature around this place. Its all mossy moss trees and green fields and grass. The smell of fresh cut wheat. Always cloudy. Perfect weather. You actually feel like riding bikes around, and sometimes you do. This place makes you want to be out there. Even though i spent most of my time inside (bc it was cold or windy or the Sims :b) i enjoyed the outside. Especially since its literally outside of my window. Out on the deck. Everything the light touches is ours. Trees. Fields. Grass. Wildllife. Its sad to think of all the free space i have here and then i think about my litlle apartment and no land.... hahahahahahahah.... :C there’s always a silver lining. Something good or bad but great. I mean, i would never have guessed that at 21 i’d be married, living on my own and living in France for the summer. I had no profound excitement in my life prior to graduating high school. I wasn’t even technically living until i got a job at 18. That was my first taste of freedom to do whatever i wanted, anywhere, any time. I’m glad that i’m here. I have more family to love. More experiences to have. its worth it for me. And my other half. He’s a poop and there’s no doubt about it, but i’d give him the world if i could. He’s a tough and crunchy chocolate with a gooey center. I’ve also learned a lot about Antoine while i was here. I can’t explain it in few words (i mean, fuck man, lookat my post, its a novel) but i get him now. We weren’t say it out loud best friends, but we became say it out loud best friends. We’re closer than ever in a different way from when we were in LV. He never regretted bringing me here, the first time or this time. He always wanted me to set forth my full potential and i didn’t sometimes but he didn’t love me any less for it. It makes me wish i tried harder. I hope i can make up for it in our last 10 days.

[lovelydali-blog]

Wow, i can’t fucking wait to go home. 

Honestly, its been awesome to not have to deal with Las Vegas sun and heat, have some alone time finally, and even pick up French some more but I’m done. I want to leave already and i’m just waiting for the day to come. I can’t stand feeling like I’m living at home again. I never had a problem living at home with my mom, ever. This is a different kind of living at home that i’ve never experienced before. I dont have a license. I don’t have money. and i dont have friends. I stay at home all day playing the sims in the same spot for like 3 hours or watching netflix  in the living room, and i feel fine doing that. i do it all the time at my home. But when i see my (in-law) parentals, i hate myself for sitting there doing nothing all day. I feel guilty. I feel like i’m overstaying my welcome. I’ve been feeling that way since week one. I am unhappy feeling that way and also extremely uncomfortable. I get sad fairly easy at my own feelings towards the guiltiness and not feeling good enough to stay here in mutual respect with my in-laws and they are upset because they’ve never seen someone so sad before and feel like maybe they’re the ones doing something wrong. i can’t stand it and i am always crying. its hard to hold back the tears and fake some smiles so they dont know how miserable i really am. Miserable because i wish i could do more. They like that i’m working but i had to learn to drive stick and drive cars for about 6 hours a day for the past month and a half. I hate that job. I’ve been on the pill for 2 months and i get nausea (a side effect) easily when i’m driving for long periods of time, and that never happened before... they told me “at least you’re working and making some money though!” I wanted to say that its the way i wanted to earn money, and all that came out was “i guess”. I felt like a fucking dumbass. It got awkward and tense. I wanted to fall off the face of the planet. If that isn’t enough, i can never talk about my feelings because no one understands. I keep to myself and i’ve had about 3 or 4 emotional breakdowns from stress, extreme sadness, and anger. I try to be alone but i can’t be alone. i was told i was “free to do whatever” i wanted and i’ve tried to go out on my own, but i get held back because i worry about crashing the car without a license. Im confident enough, but that lingering feeling always gets me. I also have no money. Like the FIRST thing i said to Antoine was “I NEVER WANT TO BE WITHOUT ANY MONEY” idk what the fuck I’m going to do if i’m out of cash in a desperate situation. I have my own personal bank account, and it has $30 now and some savings. I quit my job 3 weeks before i left so money was tight for me (because i hate asking for money) and i lived off of what i had. I have too much pride to ask for money. It feels like an allowance and now that i’m an adult, i consider it debt. I refuse to ask. Which is another reason why i dont go out. Antoine gives me his coins (because for some fucking reason he has money all the fucking time from his fucking parents probably) and that is my only source of money. Any money i’ve made doing chores here, or working that stupid driving job, is not in my hands. its floating around but counted. Its not accessible to me, so its not mine. I live off of coins. COINS. And i ask why i don’t have any more than coins, for caution. And i have no answer, besides “just ask me”. You’re not my keeper. I would rather suffer. I feel like if i ask I wont handle any direct cash anyway. It’ll be paid for for me. I feel trapped. I just don’t know how much more i can take. I’m a broken person now. I’m my only friend here. I find so much comfort in the messages i get from friends through social media. They’re keeping me alive. They don’t know how much it means to me to see their snaps, or their instagram, and tumblr, even if it has nothing to do with me. I just can’t wait to go home. Where i dont mind working a million hours, or doing stupid homework from college, or cleaning my cats dumb poop. Its all mine at least. I have something. I’d rather be stressing out about money at home than being here where i have and am nothing.

[lovelydali-blog]

Hey Guys,

I made a side blog to post pics and stuff about my vacation in France. I didn’t want to mess up the koala-ty of my blog with my personal caca, so you can give that a follow over here.

[lovelydali-blog]

Personal

have some time to write this before i head out to work.