#loving a shadow

[infinitysgrace]

I dunno, as someone with a dead mom who grew up with no memories of her but still had the expectation from my family of feeling the same loss they did for her while also reminding me of how much we're alike...

I get it.

[infinitysgrace]

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I’ve said this many times before, but I’ll say it again.

IT’S NOT JUST SOMETHING YOU GET OVER

[infinitysgrace]

Mom?

It’s not just something you get over.

[infinitysgrace]

The Biggest Blank

Summary: It’s like loving a shadow. There’s nothing to miss, but you wish there was.

Just some stuff I wanted to vent about.

read on ao3 

“My dad was wrong, ‘cause I’m not like my mom. ‘Cause she just smiled, and I’m complaining in a song.”

The words echo in his head over and over as he and his brother stare at each other in the silence of the war room with wide eyes. Sam could see it clear on his face. Instant regret over the words Sam knew Dean always thought, but had always known better than to say up until now. You didn’t love her like I did. You didn’t love her like I did. You didn’t love her like I did... 

Sam’s the first to look away, staring at the ground, eyes burning, and he stands to leave. “Sam, wait, I didn’t me-”

“Yeah you did,” he cuts Dean off, stopping still looking at the ground, and sits back down. Suddenly, Sam felt like he was younger, arguing about how all he ever wanted was to get away from a life he never wanted. If it weren’t for pictures I wouldn’t even know what mom looks like. 

“Y’know... it’s worse knowing she was here?” Dean’s face twists in confusion. Sam looks him in the eye again, tears starting to stream. I just don’t look at family the way that you do.

“What?” he asks, sitting up.

“She was here, right in front of us, and I tried... I really did. I wanted to believe that things could be different. That I-I could fill in that blank, and that I could try and form some bond with her while she was here. A-and I was so close, y’know? And then she's killed because of a choice I made. ” Sam’s voice remained almost completely even despite the tears, like he’d already accepted the truth behind his words and was just saying it for Dean's sake. You had something with her I never had. And now-

“Sam-”

“But, no you were right, Dean. I couldn’t love her like you did. I  couldn’t, and now I have to accept that I would never have be able to,” Sam wiped his eyes, his expression went completely blank. “I guess that was just always supposed to be on me too.”

[infinitysgrace]

So, remember in that one post I tried to explain how growing up without a mother completely changes how you’ll be able to interact with your family because it feels like all they see in you is everything they’ve lost? 

That point of view made this scene a lot sadder than it probably should have been 

Because, here’s Sam fucking Winchester, who’s lived that, and had to live it alone. 

Here he is talking to a kid in a similar situation, and he’s like... He’s being the person that he himself needed when he had to go through it on his own. The one that told him that even though those shadows aren’t going away, when they lived, they believed in you for you. Not how much you were going to end up like them.

The one that told him he was worth saving if necessary, and that wasn’t ever up for debate. Especially not because of the things he couldn’t control.

[infinitysgrace]

And people say they don’t look alike.

[infinitysgrace]

Daddy, I’m alone

‘Cause this house don’t feel like home

Song