#sam vents

[sg-se]

ykw who cares if one of my irl friends (who i’ve been friends with for five years) didn’t tell me happy birthday at least my moots did and wilbur streamed on my bday it’s fine

(i love all my moots thank you guys so much for all the love !!)

[s4m-v3nts]

Im worried my dad thinks I hate him because I told him I wasn't gojng to his house anymore. I didn't tell him that its because my mom wont let me and doesn't want me around him. Hes not a bad person. My mom tried to kick me out but after I yelled she just...hugged me.

I honestly felt like Jax when she tried comforting me after I started yelling at her. I tried to push her away. And afterwards I just had to go to my sister's baby shower like nothing happened. Like I wasn't breaking down and overstimulated as hell.

Im supposed to be asleep but I want to send him a message so he knows I dont hate him because honestly I sometimes like him more than I do my mom.

Maybe if I just never existed then my parents wouldn't have to worry about me.

But then I think of my boyfriend and some of my online friends and remember I actually have a place in someone's world. That I actually make their life better...or so they say at least.

I believe them of course

I just can't help but wonder what would happen if I did disappear.

[hamsamwich23]

⚠️Tw: gr//ming and manipulation⚠️

The fact that Sonia claims that I was harassing her with my call-out post as well as the fact that she'll go and pretend I "turned against her" because I suddenly"hated her for no reason" is so fucking funny (more below)

When we were friends it wasn't like that at all, I never hated her until I realized what she did to me and many people around her. In fact I was in shock when I found out

before I knew about the fucked up shit she did, before I knew about the gross stuff she put in her aus and before I found out she's a fucking gr//mer, when she wasn't, y'know, manipulating me and making me isolate from people and when she wasn't guilt tripping me for stuff I couldn't even control...

She was my friend (or so I thought)

I loved talking to her and I loved hearing about her aus, almost every day we'd talk and I'd listen to her talk about her latest works and her artwork and her ideas

Because a lot of her au concepts were Interesting and fun to learn about, she seemed like a nice person for the most part....

Until I found out about some of them including nasty stuff as well as just, finding out she's a horrible person in general

I was emotionally (platonically) attached to her, which was part of why I was in denial about her grooming me.

I never hated her until now. I considered her one of my closest friends until I found out the truth. So no. This is not something I'm fucking doing out of "hate" or "spite"

I know you can see this Sonia. I know you're stalking my tumblr.

The only thing I really did was not finish something for her for a trade, but that was because she was shit talking me and I called her out on it, I deleted what she made me from my entire phone (I took screenshots of me deleting them). She went on a hiatus for months as well and I had no way to contact her for more information (starting in June) until after September of this year(I like having people active for me to talk to just in case I need answers for something), it was halfway done, over 800 words and I gave what I had to her before I blocked her. She complained that it took her ten minutes to do sketches, but at the same time she told me to take as much time as I needed, and I told her that if I was working too slow she could rush me if needed.

In fact, that was the only reason I didn't block her immediately. I was still working on the rough draft of it (it was a really long one shot, more of a short story), I wanted to keep my end of the deal before cutting her off (even though she literally fucking gr//med me) but I found it even harder to complete, working on it began to disgust me. I wrote over ten pages in the rough draft, I wanted to make it special, and then I find out she hurt me and so many others. If it weren't for my friend blocking her and Sonia running to me to complain about it and guilt trip me, I wouldn't have been able to block her yet. I still would have been stuck working on the stupid thing.

Sonia is just a disgusting person in general, she may be gone from tumblr but it doesn't mean anything. She needs to be held accountable for her actions. She still has a platform on instagram, a privated account, because she's aware that she's been caught.

And yet, this isn't even the most disgusting thing she's done. But I'm not going to get into that yet. Not here. I still don't feel safe knowing Sonia is stalking me still (come to my face instead of just watching me you fucking weirdo)

All I can say is block and report Sonia, avoid her at all costs. Do not harass her, and PLEASE Don't harass her partner. At all. Leave her partner alone

[milkthetea246]

i just wanna go somewhere where nobody is and just scream

[samstarium]

if youre just now hearin abt the racism, ableism, transphobia, n antisemitism that’s been written into the show for years, u need to wake the fuck up

[squirtlesam]

I’ve had a shitty day and I want nothing more then to break down and curl up and just make everything stop

[infinitysgrace]

The Biggest Blank

Summary: It’s like loving a shadow. There’s nothing to miss, but you wish there was.

Just some stuff I wanted to vent about.

read on ao3 

“My dad was wrong, ‘cause I’m not like my mom. ‘Cause she just smiled, and I’m complaining in a song.”

The words echo in his head over and over as he and his brother stare at each other in the silence of the war room with wide eyes. Sam could see it clear on his face. Instant regret over the words Sam knew Dean always thought, but had always known better than to say up until now. You didn’t love her like I did. You didn’t love her like I did. You didn’t love her like I did... 

Sam’s the first to look away, staring at the ground, eyes burning, and he stands to leave. “Sam, wait, I didn’t me-”

“Yeah you did,” he cuts Dean off, stopping still looking at the ground, and sits back down. Suddenly, Sam felt like he was younger, arguing about how all he ever wanted was to get away from a life he never wanted. If it weren’t for pictures I wouldn’t even know what mom looks like. 

“Y’know... it’s worse knowing she was here?” Dean’s face twists in confusion. Sam looks him in the eye again, tears starting to stream. I just don’t look at family the way that you do.

“What?” he asks, sitting up.

“She was here, right in front of us, and I tried... I really did. I wanted to believe that things could be different. That I-I could fill in that blank, and that I could try and form some bond with her while she was here. A-and I was so close, y’know? And then she's killed because of a choice I made. ” Sam’s voice remained almost completely even despite the tears, like he’d already accepted the truth behind his words and was just saying it for Dean's sake. You had something with her I never had. And now-

“Sam-”

“But, no you were right, Dean. I couldn’t love her like you did. I  couldn’t, and now I have to accept that I would never have be able to,” Sam wiped his eyes, his expression went completely blank. “I guess that was just always supposed to be on me too.”

[dreaming-of-art-things]

If you pretend to be hurting yourself to scare your friends and manipulate them into avoiding their real life issues just to tend to and lick your fucking wounds then I’m sorry but you’re a manipulative piece of shit and I don’t care if you have a diagnosed mental disability, you don’t get to shirk responsibility for your actions by blaming it on that. You are a fucking adult and you are responsible for your actions. You don’t get to blame bpd or w/e the fuck it is and then guilt your friends into saying sorry to YOU when YOU were the one who hurt THEM. That isn’t how it fucking works. You don’t get to avoid the consequences of your actions by saying “but it’s my mental illness! Not me!” My father is a raging alcoholic and has been ever since I could remember, and I grew up having to witness abuse, witness my dad being dragged off to jail TWICE. Had him scream at me, call me horrible awful things, I can’t even ask him for ten dollars to help buy some school supplies without being so terrified that he’ll get verbally abusive that I nearly start crying. So pretending to be drunk to scare me sent me flying into a panic attack, I was stunned I was even able to sound so calm when I was trying to get you to stop giving me shit for something as trivial, stupid, and completely bullshit as fictional character ships. The whole time I spoke I was shaking uncontrollably, I was dizzy, my heart was pounding and it took me forever to type my responses because of it. I was sick and tired, I was done with this bullshit. I’ve had to deal with one friend constantly threatening to commit suicide every time I even THOUGHT of doing something that didn’t involve spending every waking moment fucking talking to her. Sending me suicide threats while I’m in class resulting in me running to hide in the bathroom and cry as I called her over and over again, and frantically texted her to pick up the phone just because she couldn’t fucking handle me being at school and unable to talk. I shouldn’t have to sacrifice my own happiness just to lick your wounds. I shouldn’t have to be miserable constantly because you have to have someone holding your hand at all times. If you behave this way. If you treat your friends this way and use these bullshit excuses. Then I am not your friend, and you aren’t mine.