#lsr.task

[oliverdroppeddead-blog]

Moodboard: Hannah & Oliver 

❝She's my best friend. God, I hate her.❞

[tomlinsonotcoolatall]

Task #1

Let's be honest for a second. I am me. To say "I'll be clean in 2015, I'll try to be a better person, less jealous, less hard headed" is just... I'll fail. I know I'll fail. 2015's barely started and here I am, craving for a bottle of alcohol to numb this pain in my heart. So, All I actually have to do is let go and leave freely, like nothing was ever planned. If I manage to achieve that without looking back and going 'no but I almost promised this so it'll count' I'll honestly live so much happier...

Now, if I don't live up to that, if I actually do look back and go 'what you had on your mind serves as a new year resolution' I'll just spend a whole year trying to work on something I know I'll fail, and therefore, stressing myself. I'm a whole lot of failure, hence today's events. I'm a jealous person. More than I should be. I dislike 60% of the people I meet cause I'm sure they're looking at Harold like a piece of meat. And I don't want to just sit here and let my mind burden me with the weight of resolutions that had been made. 

Guess that's about it...

[oliverdroppeddead-blog]

My New Year’s resolutions are one’s I’d never imagine myself to be determined to obtain. But here I am, 2015. 

Be the best father I can possibly be for my entire world, my daughter, Kaida.

Make my partner in crime the happiest she can be.

June 17th, 2014, my entire world changed with one new breath. She cried for the first time and I knew right there, everything was better. She would soon open up eyes that reminded me of Hannah’s—beautiful and big, rimmed with long lashes. I saw myself in her. I saw us. For the first time in a long, long time, I saw happiness when I held her against me. Kaida was the best thing to happen to me. I remember being horrified to be a father, didn’t want to do it, didn’t think I could do it. I remember the second hesitation when Hannah asked me if I wanted to be the dad. I regret every thinking different because she’s been nothing but blessing. I need Kaida to be happy; it’s not a want, but a need. It’s as simple as that. She deserves the absolute best and she’s going to get it. I want to be the best father I can be, for her, for Hannah, for myself. I’m willing to do anything to get Kaida to smile, to grow up knowing she’s worth the stars, to know she’s adored and deserves nothing less than love.

Not only do I need to better myself as a father, but as a lover, a partner. I need Hannah to be happier. Our relationship is strong but there needs to be more trust.  Too much trust is never a bad thing, not when you’re with someone you love. I can’t help but wonder what goes on in her head. We’re happy but we’d be happier if we took the time to sit down and talk more. Actually open up. Bitch and complain and just open up. I’ve come to love her and have no intentions of losing her. Having her beside me has been nothing but bliss; she inspires me to better myself. I want to return the favours. I want her to know how much I care and that she can trust me. It’ll benefit our relationship. I feel like if we can prevail through the trust issues, we’d be set. I mean, really set.

If I don’t make two of the most important women (well really, one bird, one dragon) in my life happy? I don’t know—I don’t want to know. I’d prolly feel like the shittiest failure. Prolly jump start my self into a place I don’t want to be.I don’t know. It’d be a horrid place, one that I don’t want to think so in depth about. All I know is that I can’t fuck up—not when it involves my family. There isn’t room for me to fuck up here.  I can’t lose them.