Lullaby
AO3 :: Previously
Chapter 24
I glanced at the sheaf of papers in my hand, and felt Jamie’s gaze on me. I tried to glean clues from his expression, but he gave nothing away. I was almost afraid to open the letter. What could he possibly have to say terrible enough that he had to write it, instead of telling me to my face?
Maybe it was something bad… maybe he was moving away, to London, somewhere further away. Or what if he met someone? When, I don’t know, since he’s here all the time, but still. Was the letter a polite way of telling me, “Sorry Claire, you’re on your own”? Ugh, Beauchamp, please. He owes you nothing, absolutely nothing. He’s just your mate.
If he had waited half a minute more, maybe I wouldn’t have gotten up the guts to say what I had wanted to say for days now. I had felt the words rising in me like warm air, filling my mouth, but unable to cross my lips. The moment lingered, and then it was gone. But Jamie had spoken.
I gripped the papers in my hand, then carefully unfolded them and began to read.
Claire,
Things are much easier when people write them down, that is known. And of course, that is double true for me, you know. Although it is worlds easier to do this by letter, I understand it might not be worth as much than if I said it out loud, to your face. For where all love is, the speaking is unnecessary. The three hardest things for anyone to say in this world are: goodbye, forgive me, and I love you.
I love you, that is nothing new, but I’ve been in love with you for a long time.
There is something that just won’t let me start, this reticence that won’t let me say what I want to because I am scared of losing you. No, not scared—terrified. Every time I play you and me inside my head, I hear this voice inside my heart that says, Could you stand to lose your best friend? And of course my head answers no. but there is another tiny, whispering voice in my heart, speaking barely loud enough to be heard above that other, reasonable voice—and it’s whispering, But wouldn’t you like to find out? Wouldn’t you like to know if you what you dream of is possible? And of course, my soul answers yes.
My heart pounded, contracting and expanding with each word. What was he saying? I looked up from the words and met his deep blue trusting gaze. Expectant. I felt my face flush bright red, but I couldn’t say anything. I kept reading.
All of the reasons why I couldn’t even consider this, the most important of all—because you’re my best friend, and couldn’t be anything more—no longer matter. There was a time when I believed it, and now I just don’t want to. I know how you’ve been hurt in the past, and believe me, it’s the last thing I would ever do. It’s not easy to trust again, to let yourself love again, but I am willing to wait for you. As long as it takes, if you can give me hope.
I thought perhaps, if I gave myself time, two things could happen: I would get over my little infatuation, realize it was only a moment of passing insanity, or this feeling would grow stronger, deeper, regardless of the situation. And part of me hoped for the first, but almost every other part is feeling the second. I realized, that amount of time does not exist. I have felt this for so long that it’s past being a simple crush or a passing whim. And so, I don’t know what to do. I am left every bit as helpless in the face of this feeling, that rises unbidden in me both familiar and unexpected.
All my fears, everything can be summed up in a word: loss. Will I be losing my best friend, or will I lose the chance to be happy? Whatever your answer might be, I know that if you value this friendship as much as I do, you would not let this come between us, that you wouldn’t let things become weird and be reduced to stupid phrases and superficial conversation. All I would want is for things to remain the same. I took this step, because it became increasingly obvious that if there were feelings on your part, however small, you might not say anything, and normally I wouldn’t have either, because I know you and I know me and what we need is certainty.
I could feel tears in my eyes, spilling over and blurring the words. I wiped them away with the back of my hand, and barely noticed when Jamie stood up and tried to peer into my downcast face. “Sassenach, are ye alright?” He reached out for me, but I held up one hand, and he froze immediately. I wasn’t done reading.
There is no happiness in the world that I don’t wish you. I will take your happiness and smile for you; I will take your sorrows and make them mine. Isn’t that what friends do? I love you, and nothing could ever change that.
Your face is my heart, Sassenach, and the love of you is my soul.
He had said it. He felt the same way I did. Technically, he’d written it, but it was there. All those times I’d tried to fool myself, when I caught him looking at me a certain way… it wasn’t too late.
The crying began in earnest now, almost spasmodic sobs of relief. Jamie looked alarmed, and I was suddenly embarrassed to be seen crying like this. I covered my face with my hands. I couldn’t catch my breath long enough to explain to him that I wasn’t angry or sad, that I was actually happy.
“Sassenach, I’m sorry, I didna mean—” Jamie looked helpless as we both sat there, as I tried to wipe away the tears and sniffled.
“Jamie…”
“I’m sorry, really—look, I’ll go the now, we can talk later if ye like.”
“No, don’t go.” I dropped the papers to the floor.
“It’s just that…” Jamie ran his hands through the red mass of hair, messing it up. He looked mortified. “I didna mean to make ye uncomfortable, or confuse ye… I obviously didna mean to make ye cry.” He winced. “It was something verra selfish of me, to drop this on ye now. I’m verra sorry.”
“Yes, you’ve already said that.” I tried to smile.
“Ye dinna have to say anything now. It’s just that—I wanted to know if there might be something in ye that feels the same way I do.” Jamie’s voice trailed off, and he was staring at his shoes.
I laughed, turning a sob into a weak sigh. I stepped closer to him, but he still wouldn’t look up at me. One more step placed me in direct contact with him, and as he raised his head in surprise, I rose on tiptoes, took his face in my hands, and kissed him softly.
My eyes closed and all I could feel was Jamie, his lips gentle against mine. It was strange and familiar all at once, thrilling and right. His hands made his way into my hair, tentative at first, then fiercely, fingers winding in the curls. When we broke apart, he held me tightly to him, burying his face in my neck.
“I love ye, Claire.” His tone was fierce.
“I love you, too.” I inhaled deeply, then laughed, finally released. “How could I have been so blind?”
Jamie only laughed with me, before trailing kisses from my neck to my mouth, each more urgent than the last. I locked my hands around his neck, as he lifted me from the floor and danced me around the living room. We ended up sitting on the sofa, our fingers intertwined.
There was a sudden silence between us, before we looked at each other and smiled again.
“Alright… now what do we do?” I tucked a strand of hair behind my ear.
Jamie smiled. “I have a plan, all worked out.” He gave my hand a gentle squeeze.
“Let’s have it.”
“Well, Ian and Jenny are moving’ back to Lallybroch after Hogmanay. They gave me their apartment to look after. Ye have yer studies, and I ken yer mam looks after Faith for ye, but if ye wanted yer own space, wi’ me… or not.”
“You and me?”
“And Faith. Of course.” Jamie frowned, a worry line I’d always noticed before creasing the corner of his mouth.
“You and me and Faith.” I reached out and erased the line away with my finger.
“I assumed ye’d want yer daughter to come along. I didna presume too much, did I?” His playful crooked grin sent my heart racing.
“So we’d be living here in Glasgow together. Together, together.” I swallowed. True, I hadn’t made a lot of concrete plans following nursing school. I was trying to keep my options open, but it suddenly felt like too much, too soon.
“Listen, I just want to try—“ Jamie bit his lip nervously. “Ye were eighteen last October. We dinna have to share a room, I want ye to know that… I have no expectations… of the sort. If it doesna work out, well then, ye can always come home, no strings attached.” His voice caught a bit. “Still friends.”
“That’s a hard promise to keep. We could never really go back to what we have now as friends, once we…” I smiled faintly. “Especially not after living together.”
“It’s no gonna be perfect, I ken that.” Jamie’s voice was soft as he traced delicate patterns on the back of my hand. “But it’ll be us.” His eyes met mine with that last word, us, and held them, unafraid.
Tears threatened to spill over again, as I leaned into him and rested my forehead on his. I smiled, and my heart felt at peace, for the first time in nearly a year.
Jamie put his arms around me, embracing me tightly. I held him too, burying my face in his shoulder.
This was all I needed.
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A/N: Shout out to @arakanui and @fickeepingtheshipafloat for their persistence and eagerness to get this chapter! 😉 Epilogue coming soon...