#lunasteasonne

[lunasteasonne]

#00027

Do you solemnly remember

the sunflower fields we roamed

the gorgeous lakes we walked around

the silent streets we passed holding hands?

Do you madly remember

the sloppy breaths we shared

the dirty tongues we once fought

the warm bodies we combined as one?

Do you still remember

the families you turned angry

the skies you turned gray

the time you claimed I had an amnesia

when was it really because

you had an Alzheimer disease?

—lunaxteyax

[lunasteasonne]

I am not a Juliet.

#00033

i am not a juliet. i don’t need saving. i don’t need a romeo or a 3-day romance that caused 6 deaths. i’ll never shout “oh, romeo! save me, my romeo!” just, ew. what the fuck. i am a damsel, i am in distress, i am indeed a damsel in distress; but i don’t need a knight shining armor. i am my own warrior. don’t save me. i’d rather die in vain than fall in your hands, owe debt and all that. don’t save me— i don’t want to be saved. i am not a juliet. do i look like someone who would kill herself because of a guy? ugh. seriously. what the fuck? so fucking disgusting.

—lunasteasonne

[lunasteasonne]

I can’t write.

#00028

i have a million words inside me scratch that, a billion scratch that, a zillion scratch that, ENDLESS i have endless words inside me that are dying to get out. i am dying to get them out. even opportunies, chances, or a thousand possibilities will never be enough to empty my head. i have to write. i have to fucking write. i want to get these words out of me i want them to be on a paper, on a document, on a letter. and not inside my head because they're too much. they’re too much and i can’t handle them i am not enough to handle them i am so messy, i can’t handle them they’re all so random, i can’t handle them but i'm not enough, i am so messy, i am so random, why can’t i handle myself? i can write a thousand stories and none of them would matter. i can write a ton of poems and none of them would make sense. i can carve letters on my own skin, tattoo my name using my blood, and none of it would ever be enough to get above all these words that are killing me every second that i heave a breath of air, i, will never be enough for myself. i will always want more, i will always crave for more, i will always be more. to the point that i can never satisfy myself. i can never be who i want to be. i can never stop longing. i can never quit harming myself for never being enough for me. i get a ballpaper and a paper, i write one letter, and i’m screaming my mind out. i get my laptop, i type a name, and i stare on the blank screen. i have endless words inside me and i can’t write. i can’t. i just can’t.

—lunaxteyax

[lunasteasonne]

12-5-20

"you will never be happy unless you're contented with what you have."

this existent quote is a contrast to the perspective that i have as of the moment, which is accepting the fact that i will never be contented with what i have because i am OBSESSED with growth, gradual progress, and self-improvement. but that does not necessarily mean that one is right and the other is wrong.

i have this perspective because i've been through the worst case scenarios of my life, and i'm doing myself a favor to maintain a proper discipline for progression. i suffer with a mental sickness and a lot of other things, and i find it difficult to keep on track. having this mindset is effective to keep myself going, as i don't stop from growing.

i never said that i will never be contented with anything. i find joy over the simplest things, and the corniest shits make me laugh. but on more important things such as love, career, and friendship, i aim to higher my standards on every aspect such as maintaining healthy relationships with one another and obtaining excellence within every move. 

it's just that, i know my worth too well. i'll never stoop low again. and that's that. 

[lunasteasonne]

21st december, year 2018. 2:28pm

counting the days ‘til january isn’t easy for me. i mean, literally, counting itself is hard. honestly, i was once a smart kid in the past but now i neglected everything because i’ve started having mental breakdowns. i have forgotten everything, until i didn’t know anymore how to count.

head counting. counting stuffs. when my counting passes 10′s, i seriously get confused already. sometimes i forget what number did i say last, sometimes i just suddenly snap out of my own head. i don’t know. it’s crazy. i’m crazy.

4 days to go, and it’s christmas. its celebration here in our country is fun and festive. i used to not feel it years ago, but maybe it’s just because i suffered depression so hard then. now, i do. i do feel christmas. i chose to be happy and stick with positivism. by that, i learned to be contented. i didn’t expect i have blinded myself to the point that my heart will go numb.

i suddenly realized what’s coming up on january. my mom is going to leave. and now... i just. i deserve more to be the one who’s leaving more than her. she’s needed in this place.

i’m not.

—lunaxteyax

[lunasteasonne]

but you have to love yourself too.

#00026

“Just stop! You know what? I’ve had enough!”

“W-What do you want me to do?”

“Believe me, I loved you.”

“H-How am I supposed to do so?”

“Why are you always asking me about things? Why can’t you decide for yourself?”

“Look, I-I’m sorry.”

“What kind of person are you? You can’t even fix your own self and you want to devote all your love for me?”

“...”

“Don’t you know how that shit is?”

“I-I’m-”

“Stop. Just- Just stop, okay? Listen to me, listen to me!”

“...”

“I loved you, I can’t blame you if you don’t believe me. I appreciate all the efforts and everything you sacrificed for me. I can never ask for anything else.”

“...”

“Do you think I want this? To let go of you? You may not feel this but I loved you, more than you know..”

“...”

“..but you have to love yourself too.”

—lunaxteyax

[lunasteasonne]

Neverland

Poetry #9

"I was once lost, but now I am found."

[lunasteasonne]

for keeps.