Letters to Rehab
1st of Phoenix, 1328 AE
Dear Nythanor,
It’s been a while, hasn't it? I was hurt and a bit angry, when you said I couldn't visit, though I know why you don’t want me there. You hate being seen at anything less than your best. And maybe it would be a waste, if you’re coming home soon. Are you? I miss you.
Still, even now, you’re stronger than me. I’m a bit of a wreck. I don’t sleep at home anymore - I don’t really sleep much at all, but I get some hours in every so often. Naed makes sure I eat, though it’s hard for him with his job and me being over at the workshop all the time. I just....every time I’m home I have a compulsion to scrub everything, even though it’s already cleaned. I want it to be nice when you get back. Shana said I’d risk wearing holes in the floor if I kept it up, so I try to limit my time over there. I've also gotten some of my junk out of our room, like you wanted. I know you hate finding my gadgets strewn all over.
I lingered at stalked the mailboxes at the offices, waiting for Vierdra so I could get some news about you. She said you’re doing rather well, save for the ‘incident with your foliage’. I've done that before, you know. Ripped it all out like that. It hurt, but the alternative was going to be a lot worse. Maybe I’ll tell you about it when you come home. Maybe then the nightmares might stop. I don’t know. She seemed tired, though I admit I’m terrible at reading our sister. Everything about her is so... subtle. Deep. Like ripples in a pool. Yet still she’s intense. It’s in her eyes.
I try to concentrate on my work, like I would in Divinity’s, but it’s like I've lost my center. I feel adrift, like a boat that wasn't properly tied to the dock. I think you've become that, for me. My grounding anchor. Without you here to just...be you, I feel like I have no point of reference to pull me back to reality, away from nightmares and silly flights of imagination. I've started five different projects, but none are anywhere near finished, and at least three are probably a waste of time, considering costs and the limits of my engineering. I did manage to save up for those cigarettes though. Shana got them the last time we went shopping (I gave her my money for it. I didn't feel like going out.) I try to only smoke one a day, so they last longer. You might even be home by the time I finish the pack, maybe earlier! That thought cheers me up.
I guess I wanted to say how much you mean to me. I hope all my blabbering made sense. You always seem to get the heart of what I’m saying.
Please get better come home soon.
I love you.
~ Ciaran