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Holy shit I’m back.

I was kinda sorta on a really long, unexpected hiatus, because my motherboard decided to take it’s dying breath a couple of months ago, and I was only able to afford fixing it a couple of days ago...

#was gone now I'm back #tl;dr my computer hates me #THANKS JARVIS #Luscre #personal

I sneaked away to Sudbury for a few days last week to see Kodi. Pic taken while we waited for my bus home.

#kodi #luscre #self #the boyfriend #personal

Kodi

How funny is it that my son Eli was almost given the named Koda? It's pretty funny actually, shush. More kind than any man I've ever known, next to my father, he's got a heart unlike any other. From the kindness he showed me when we first met, to his rescue dog Ruger, to the 18 year old that he and his roommate are taking in, fresh out of the foster care system to help him get on his feet, Kodi has a heart that is filled with so much love and kindness, it's hard not to call him a saint. He's shy, and a little self-conscious, but he loves life and is passionate about being a good person. He owns his mistakes, and isn't too proud to admit when he's wrong. He works his ass off. When we aren't talking, if he's not out with Ruger, he's working hard or sound asleep, exhausted from working upwards of 13 hour days. He's trustworthy. I have insane trust issues, having been hurt over and over by men. But when it comes to Kodi, I never feel any doubt. He keeps his promises, and always does what he says he will. He gets why I have a hard time trusting and accepts that trust is something that isn't just given without reason. "You can learn to trust me as we go." He accepts me as I am. No expectations, no demands to change myself. He knows who I am, knows my problems, and still looks forward to being with me above anything. He calms my spirit in a way no one else can. Since we started dating, I've had an extra boost of confidence, I've slept peacefully, and my anxiety has been at an all-time low. He makes me feel at peace. The only other man to ever calm my inner storm like that was my dad. Honestly, the only thing I'm even remotely nervous about is seeing him in person again, simply because it's just been so long. He's one in a million. That once in a lifetime kind of guy that every girl hopes for. My mom told me today that she thinks he's the exact guy I need, and my mom is seldom wrong. Especially when it comes to the men in my life. Having not even met him, she has a high opinion of him already, and that's not an easy accomplishment. I swore I would keep my eyes open going into this, and I am. But I also swore that I wouldn't let myself fall as hard as I often do, but the more I talk to him and get to know the man he's become in the past four years, the harder I fall. He wants to bring me down south to see him. On his dime. The plan was for him to come here, but right now he's not quite ready to face the people of his past. So hopefully in the next few days, he'll give me the OK, and I'll be taking a bus ride. Either way, I can't wait to see him face to face again. To see those big brown eyes, and that shy, but all too adorable smile of his. I've missed him for years and I didn't even realize it until recently. ~

#romance #mushy stuff #luscre #Kodi #personal

I saw my mom for the first time in four years, yesterday. We met up at Tim Horton's. I walked in to see her just walking in the opposite side of the restaurant and bolted across the floor, hugged her, and instantly started to cry. I didn't want to let her go. We had lunch together, and as we were eating, she put a small box on the table in front of me. I opened it and almost started crying again. Inside the box was a teardrop necklace with a turquoise (my birthstone) in the center, and tiny diamonds along one side. She told me it was delicate, much like myself and that's why she got that one. She was going to get me a heart shaped pendant, but in her eyes, hearts are overdone. And to me, the teardrop represents so much. It was so touching. I will never go a day without wearing it. We spent some time shopping, and after I told her about Kodi, she bought me some new clothes to wow him when we get to see each other again (it'll be the first time in four years for us, too). Everything I told her about him, from the kind of person he is, to how long he's pined over me, to the way he calms my spirit, she told me that she thinks he just might be the man I've needed in my life all this time. And yes, I'll be writing about him again later. You guys need to know this man, even if it's just a fraction of how much I know him. We talked about my dad, both of us holding back tears as we remembered him together. We talked about Mum's health (she had a heart attack in March) and how she's been doing. She is the strongest woman I have ever known. I get my strength from her; my ability to persevere, and push through no matter what life throws my way. When it was time for her to go, I hugged her again, doing my best to hold on to her for as long as I could, afraid to let her go. I know my father is proud of us both for putting our differences aside and bonding like we did when I was a child. I'm so thankful that I didn't lose her in March. I'd be completely lost without her. Hug your parents, guys. Love them, and cherish them no matter your differences, because as much as we like to believe that they'll live forever, they won't. Our time in this world is short. Don't take it for granted. I never got to say goodbye to my father because I made that very mistake. I will spend whatever time I have left with my mother making sure that she always knows and never doubts just how special she truly is to me.

#emotional #luscre #personal #life blogging #lengthy #tl;dr mother daughter bonding time

I still remember the first time we met…

In the middle of a summer that was far too hot, on a night that was lit just enough that I could make out the features that make up you.

I remember you handing me cigarette after cigarette, with that sweet, crooked smile of yours, making sure that I enjoyed myself and felt accepted in the crowd, while the guy I was with back then spent more effort trying to out drink everyone else. I still, sadly remember cleaning up his mess later on.

I always secretly loved the way you let him know what an idiot he was. The way he thought he was everyone’s friend, but you didn’t fake the way you felt about him. You were so real with everyone.

And then you disappeared. Just like that you were a memory, one that’s lingered for the past four years. Like that recurring dream that comes around just when you start to forget. And it wasn’t that I ever wanted to forget you, but life has a way of giving us good moments, simple moments, only to let them fade over time.

But for some reason, over the years, I still managed to remember that night, and the way you treated me compared to everyone else that was there. Every so often, out of the blue, your name would pop into my head. No trigger needed, you were just there, on my mind.

Last year, you crossed my mind even more, and I couldn’t really put my finger on the reason why. Even when you came to me, the fact that you remembered me too? I was too oblivious and damaged, and it just didn’t register.

Conversation was spotty, and I was with someone again. So I kept quiet, letting you come to me for hellos and how are yous. All the while never realizing that you wanted something more. That you’d wanted it since the moment we first met.

As much as I would have jumped at the chance to be with you then, I’m glad things happened the way they did. I had no idea what you were going through, nor did you know what I was going through. Those few years were good for the both of us. You’ve become an even better man than I thought you were back then, and I’ve finally figured out how to be the person that you saw that night.

They say that timing is everything. That good things come to those who wait, and that the best things come to us when we least expect it. I was not expecting this. And I never expected it to be you, but I’m so glad that it is.

#romance #luscre #personal #mushy stuff