9. a letter meant to be read only once my character is dead
I don’t think I ever told you this.
I lost count of how many times we used a gun to wake up. Kicks were always preferable, but we always ended up in a jam. There was always some unforeseen radical that screwed things up. Sometimes that radical was me. Taking a gun and shooting someone in the head was easiest. I know I did it more than enough times to you, and you to me. I’d done it to myself always knowing I’d wake up.
But there was also the thought that I might not. One day I’d pull the trigger, or you’d pull the trigger and I would be dead. I didn’t let that stop me from going through with it, but the thought was always there at the back of my mind and it did scare me—especially after Mal.
I know I’m not going to get through this one alive. It’s not going to be a neat, clean one either. I keep trying to think of ways out of it, but there’s nothing. This is it. But if this is what I have to do to keep anyone else from dying because of my fuck up, then I’ll do it.
You were the best partner I ever had and an even better friend. I don’t know why you’ve put up with me as long as you have, but I’m glad you did. I don’t know what I would have done without you those three years. It’s funny, but you’re one of the few people I actually trust and yet I feel like I don’t know you as well as I should. But I guess we worked well that way.
I wish I’d done a lot of things differently, and I have more than a few regrets. I think you know a few of them. I just hope you don’t hate me too much for being such a terrible partner.
P.S. Could you do me one favor and tell Miles I’m sorry?