Tirade | James McAvoy x M/Ftm!oc | english version
summary: Newly enrolled in drama classes, Uriel doesn't particularly believe in his abilities but a memory from his adolescence remains etched in his memory and helps him advance in these classes. One day, a certain actor comes to visit an old friend, and he will surely stop in front of a nice performance given by Uriel.
notes: I know that it can't really be counted as "x reader" because the main character has a name but I really don't like writing with "Y/N" so I decided to put a first name without real importance in order to make writing easier. The dialogues and texts are created by me, unlike the final tirade which receives its credits in the story ;)
⚠︎ warnings: mention of remarks close to sexuality, insecurities
special thanks and credits to @sparrow-the-tired-lesbian who nicely helped me with this story's translation because it was originally written in french, my native language.
french version here
-3 694 words
-Third person description
Theater wasn't the option he had considered from the beginning. He had thought more about writing, and painting maybe, but not theater. He wanted to stay behind the curtains, not have to put himself on stage in front of curious pairs of eyes. Selling books and paintings seemed more accessible to him, at least for him it was more accessible, and he would work hard for it. Becoming a writer or a painter was more common than an actor, right? To become an actor you had to be recognized by a lot of people, you had to be constantly judged and spied on. You needed pure talent and a lot of luck to become an actor. Which Uriel didn't think he had at all. Writing could be learned more easily, he didn't need to show himself to the whole world to earn a little money. Painting could be abstract and anonymous, no need to have his face on the canvas.
Yet he found himself enrolled in theater classes for two weeks now. His father had forced his hand, he had insisted by saying that for him this art had helped to manage his shyness and that perhaps it would also be the case for him. So Uriel had accepted, because deep down he always had something in his chest that asked to come out and express itself, and the theater could perhaps help him to do it. At least, he preferred this excuse to another, totally absurd one.
"We're going back everyone!"
Mary's shrill voice made the ten students jump. They all put away their cell phones or headsets to return to the stage and resume rehearsals.
Uriel followed the group, admiring the diversity present. When he signed up he had seen that from the age of sixteen people had to register in the adult group, and of course, from the height of his twenty-one years, he had done so. But in the group there was a young girl, sixteen years old precisely, Uriel admired her deeply, she was talented and everyone told her so. The main roles were often for her besides, but she did not become haughty for all that, on the contrary, she was always surprised to receive them and it was touching to see.
"Well,” began Mary more calmly, “before we continue I wanted to tell you that a friend might come to see you in a few days.” Immediately the students became curious, “he passed by here and while talking with him, he offered to come and watch you rehearse"
"Who is it? Asked Chloe, an actor?"
Uriel sat cross-legged on the floor next to Matthias, a man in his fifties with whom he got along well. The latter gave him a look and reproached himself for whispering in his ear. "I've seen so-called actors come by here and believe me they don't even glance at us," he smiled, "they come to advertise themselves, say they're nice and all that stuff but deep down they don't give a damn about us, my poor boy." Matthias wasn't very popular in the group because of his habit of always seeing the negative in a situation, like now, but Uriel appreciated that. For him, it was a quality to see the options that others preferred to ignore, and then it always made him laugh. "Maybe he's different?" Uriel replied in turn in a whisper. In response, the man shrugged, looking unsure.
"Yes, he's an actor, but I prefer not to tell you who he is right away," Mary continued, "you'll see!"
"But why is he coming to see us? We're not famous, we're not even professionals" Almost the entire group agreed with Joel, and Mary understood their reactions.
"We've known each other since high school, him and I. He knows that I organize theater classes, he simply asked me if I minded him attending a session and I answered no.” The students still didn't seem convinced, “listen, you'll see by yourselves, so stop looking at me with whiting eyes. I'm sure he can even give you some advice"
Everyone had a little comment to make, Mary let them chat for several minutes before clapping her hands to get their attention and getting back to real rehearsals.
For a little less than a month now, the group had been working on a play partly created by Mary herself. “The Angel and the Bird”, is a drama with mythological appearances telling the story of two characters: an angel named Yaël who was desperate to escape the heavens, and a crow named Danielle who hoped to have a place in Heaven despite the beliefs related to her appearance. Chloe had the role of the angel, Uriel that of the crow. It was his first main role since joining the group and he was quite anxious about it. He had thought about giving up his place to someone else but Matthias had dissuaded him, he said that this role was perfect for him and that he just needed a little time to learn all the lines. "You who have the name of an angel find yourself playing the bird, isn't that the height of it?" he often repeated to him. And even if he didn't want to admit it, hearing Matthias' compliments did him good. The fifty-year-old had also offered to help him recite his lines, but Uriel had kindly refused. The idea of being in the foreground already made him panic enough, he preferred to revise alone to make mistakes alone and not have anyone's eyes on him. For the same reason, he stayed an extra hour at the end of each class to be calm and especially to have the possibility of rehearsing in the final location. Mary trusted him enough to leave him alone here and come back an hour later to close the doors of the auditorium.
Not missing his solitary appointment, Uriel watched the other students leave the stage and gradually exit the large room. Matthias wished him good luck and was the last to leave. The young man sighed softly upon hearing this silence. He appreciated the other members of the group but his tranquility was all the more appreciated. Uriel took his text again, these many pages that he had to learn by heart, and he got to work.
The hour passed faster than he would have thought, he realized it when he picked up his cell phone again to check the date of the next class. With surprise, he saw six thirty p.m. displayed, which meant that Mary was thirty minutes late. Uriel did not worry too much, being late could very well happen to anyone. He quietly put his things away, muttering his text at the same time, and then he went towards the exit. The idea of leaving crossed his mind, but that meant leaving the room open and unattended, which was not recommended here. Uriel lived alone, no one was going to worry if he came back a little later, so he decided to wait for Mary to return so she could lock it securely. The young man sat down against one of the doors and picked up his backpack. Over time, he had gotten into the habit of always carrying a book with him, and today this technique was going to pay off. So he began reading it, a collection of poems that had been given to him two years ago but that he had never taken the time to read. It took a few pages for Uriel to fully get into the book, but he quickly forgot his surroundings and peacefully read the poems. He was so absorbed that he didn't notice Mary, accompanied by a man, walking towards him. The thirty-year-old greeted her friend who apologized for holding her back so much, then she went to Uriel. The latter jumped when he saw legs coming into his field of vision, but he was relieved when he saw Mary's familiar face.
"Excuse me for being late, the friend I told you about earlier arrived earlier than expected and he went to the theater,” she explained while watching the boy put his book away, “thanks for waiting"
"That's normal,” Uriel smiled, “we'll see each other tomorrow anyway?” Mary nodded while locking the two imposing doors, “then see you tomorrow and have a good evening"
The woman watched her student calmly leave the building, a smile on her lips.
The next day, the day went by faster than he would have hoped. The customers at the supermarket had not been unbearable for once, or at least the majority had behaved well. Despite this, Uriel was more than eager to get home and take a shower. Appearances could be deceptive, but staying locked in a store all day quickly got hot, especially when customers demanded a certain amount of self-control.
Closing the locked door behind him, Uriel hurried to take off all his dirty clothes. He vaguely emptied his bag, simply removing the dishes used during his lunch since the rest was constantly left in it. He didn't see the point in taking off his work things if he was going to put them back on the next day, so he might as well leave them where they were.
Once his usual ritual was done, the young man checked the time. He had less than half an hour left if he wanted to avoid being late. With that in mind, he rushed to the shower, not taking the time to put on music or even check his messages. Fortunately, he didn't finish this late every day, but when he did, he had to run to be on time. The only positive point, that had persuaded him to keep these classes, was that the theater was less than a minute's walk from his house. As a child, Uriel used to go there with his father to see some performances and plays, unfortunately over time this custom had been lost. But thanks to that, he knew the place, of course before signing up for these classes he could not have known what the backstage looked like, but these years of loyalty to the program had allowed him to know the rooms and artists like the back of his hand. Obviously, "knowing" was a big word for these actors, but Uriel had learned the names of the regular actors as well as their repetitive plays. This detail was not one during the classes because thanks to that he could cite the previous plays performed as well as some parts. For example, his father liked the performances of Cyrano de Bergerac, therefore he always took his son with him to see them, and as a result, Uriel knew by heart the different versions of the main character's tirade for Roxane. His favorite was by far the modern one performed by James McAvoy, even though he had seen it several years ago, it remained etched in his memory. The emotion that the actor had managed to convey was breathtaking. Uriel still remembered the silence in the room, the tears on his cheeks, and the final applause. He was seventeen at the time, and four years later he was still able to recite this text without a mistake.
A towel clumsily placed on his hair, Uriel turned off the bathroom to go to the bedroom and get some clean clothes. He didn't worry about it and simply grabbed a t-shirt with a Marvel logo that was lying in his closet as well as a pair of jogging pants large enough to make fluid movements. He quickly put on socks and underwear before going back to get his backpack. As always, the young man checked with a glance that he hadn't forgotten to turn on a tap or something like that, then he picked up his large cardigan and closed it before leaving his apartment.
At ten, Uriel was finally outside, walking quickly despite his slight lead. He didn't like being late, but he often managed to be, and the other members of the group knew it very well.
But fortunately for him, he even arrived three minutes early. As always, Matthias was already there, and he must have been there for more than a quarter of an hour. Almost everyone was there, except Joël who had called in his absence, and Arthur who had missed his bus.
"Good evening to you all!" Mary greeted cheerfully as she entered the room, “I hope your day wasn't too exhausting because tonight we're going over the entire third act"
Several students sighed in unison, the woman went down the steps with an unusual joy of life until she reached the front of the stage. Uriel exchanged a questioning look with Matthias, to which the man shrugged. Mary wasn't of a very cheerful temperament, she wasn't always depressed but let's say that seeing her in this state was new, and it piqued Uriel's curiosity.
"We're not going to wait for Arthur, he'll take it along the way," she explained as she took off her coat and shoes.
To have a better grip on the waxed wooden floor of the stage, everyone had to take off their shoes and stay in socks. Then, it brought a lighter atmosphere.
"So! Chloe position yourself while Khais is supposed to finish his line,” the two obeyed without problem while Mary adjusted Chloe's position.
The others remained seated against the right wall, observing the scene while patiently waiting their turn.
"Very well,” Mary clapped her hands and silence fell as usual, “the curtain opens on Yaël kneeling near a river, we can guess that he is drinking while music is supposed to install a feeling of peace. Chloe it's whenever you want"
The young woman had put her long blond hair in an imperfect bun which during the real performance will be camouflaged with white feathers and flowers. The choice to have a woman play an angel and a man play a crow was voluntary on Mary's part, she always said that an actor had to be able to embody the opposite gender. Matthias had not been of this opinion at first, but thanks to some explanations from Uriel, he had finally agreed on the subject.
"Oh father, what must I do to stop this punishment that you inflict on me," began Chloe in a low voice, "must I do evil? Should I disobey my innermost convictions to spare myself this harsh torture?"
This scene had been complicated for Chloe to learn and especially to interpret, she could not manage to keep this half-tone soft enough to be the expected one and powerful enough to resonate throughout the room. Mary had helped him a lot with that, giving her breathing exercises to channel her voice and intentions, but also videos to watch so that her ear would get used to that particular tone. In the end, she managed to recite her text as requested, and as always with her, the scene was moving. Uriel sincerely admired Chloe because, despite her young age, she managed to understand the request made of her. Then, she was gifted, everyone could see it here. Matthias had even said that if one day someone came looking for future actors, he would most certainly hesitate between her and Uriel, but of course, the young man in question had kindly laughed, saying that there was no possible competition between him and the teenager.
"What do you do with this poor bird? This poor cursed bird is cursed by its color and the meaning attributed to it. Aren't you touched by its story? Do you not wish to silence her suffering and grant her the release she asks for? I know your kindness, my father, grant me this wish, I beg you."
Uriel stood up without a sound, preparing his entrance while reciting his words in his mind. His vest now open, he let it slide down his arms before putting it in a ball in a corner. For him, the most complicated thing was always the first sentences, he was constantly afraid of missing them or forgetting them. If he made a mistake in the middle, it was not serious, his mistake could go unnoticed, while for the first word, it was different. My friend, I have been looking for you since the sun first rose, the young man repeated to himself over and over, my friend, I have been looking for you since the sun first rose.
Chloe let a feather fall from her hair, it was his sign.
"My friend, I have been looking for you since the sun first rose!" Uriel declared sadly as he arrived in the middle of the stage.
“Oh, Danielle! Oh, my poor bird!” exclaimed Chloe, “how lovely your feathers are!”
The young man’s head turned to one side to express his embarrassment, he played a startle when Chloe grabbed his arm in her hands. For this role, Uriel would have to wear an all-black outfit on which several feathers of the same color would be stuck, and like Chloe, feathers in his hair. He had suggested arranging the latter so that they went down to the nape of his neck, to create the illusion of longer hair and a more feminine appearance.
“Please do not compare these atrocities with the beauty that radiates from your dress,” began Uriel, turning to walk with his back to the angel, “your feathers illuminate the heavens and reflect divine light on birds like me. They are created to make the most graceful peacocks boil with jealousy, they represent Paradise and its disciples,” recited the crow sadly, pointing to the sky. “Do not compare my curse with your blessing, you risk irritating the heavens. My place is already allowed on a land as beautiful as ours, do not compare my monstrosities with something that should only be attributed to light.” He paused briefly. “Oh my friend, do not compare dusk with dawn!"
A silence fell in the room as a tear ran down Uriel's cheek. His stage partner, her lips parted, joined her hands in applause, and soon the others followed her. Gradually emerging from his dramatic world, the young man looked at his teammates with incomprehension. He passed his hand against his cheek to wipe away the moisture and began to smile despite himself as he gradually understood the reason for this applause. Matthias stood up first and made a bow that made Uriel laugh softly.
"Do you want to understand all my compliments now? You are a talented young man, whether you like it or not," Matthias began, accompanied by several nods behind him.
Mary turned towards the back of the room, seeming to smile at something in the darkness, before stepping forward. "Matthias is right, this is the best version you have done so far," she smiled at him.
The young man wanted to stammer out thanks, feeling a real gratitude deep inside him, but applause stopped him short. He didn't need to look at the students to understand that it wasn't coming from them, it was coming from right in front, high up on the steps. Uriel timidly stepped forward onto the stage to try to see more clearly, but very quickly the stranger stepped into the light of his own accord.
A weight fell into the young performer's stomach, and he wasn't the only one surprised. Still against their wall, the apprentice actors each took turns to widen their eyes in increasingly ridiculous grimaces.
“I told you about my friend yesterday,” Mary explained cheerfully, “he just happened to be here earlier than expected, so let me introduce you to James.”
As if he were just a man, he smiled at the students who were still in shock, and more particularly at a young crow. With agility, he climbed onto the stage, stopping in front of this pretty bird.
“Nice to meet you, James,” the actor introduced himself politely, “Mary told me about a potential talent and I’m delighted to see you in person Uriel.”
Maybe he murmured a “good evening” but he wasn’t sure of anything at that moment.
All that was going around in his distraught mind was that tirade, that tirade that he had been reciting innocently in the street just this morning.
I love you, I need you, I want you. And I wake up with your voice wide inside my head. I look at you and I can't focus.
I'm ashamed, I'm angry, I'm in love, I'm mad, I'm happy, I'm dead, I'm alive, I'm stupid I'm tongue-tied.
I'm writing you letters, and I'm tearing it up, and then I'm writing you letters again. I'm idealizing you, I'm humiliating you, I'm undressing you. I'm looking into your eyes, I'm kissing your eyes. I'm pushing you against the wall, but you’re pressing back, you’re pressing back. Your body wants mine, you're kissing my mouth, you bite my lip. You draw blood, you're on fire, you’re on fire.
The whole world shimmers, and I burn, with love.
The whole world shimmers, and tonight and this guy, and your voice shimmers.
I've no wait, I've no mind, I've no break, I've no self-control, I've no shame. I've no authority over myself, I can wait for hours for just one glimpse of you, and then not speak to you at all. I cannot speak, I cannot speak to you, I can't speak, I can't stop speaking, I can't stop looking.
I make you an object, I desire you. I write to you, I write for you. I tear up everything I ever wrote for you or about you, I burn myself alive for you. I worship you, I strip you, I unclothe you. I do up the tiniest button at your sleeve.
I embraced your waist, I embraced your neck, I kissed the back of your neck. I embraced your wrist, and I'm speechless.
I’m speechless.
All I can say is I want, I want, I want. There is no poetry, there is no structure that can make any sense of this. Except I want, I want, I want.
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