#m2y1

[chaosavatar]

I'm irrationally paranoid about a tarot reading I did the other day. I think it's just the deck being dramatic, but I DID pull the tower, death reversed, and the fucking hanged man in one go. If I die, know that I saw it coming.

I'm going on a trip with my partner soon... Two days.... I haven't been able to sleep at all I'm so anxious for it. Got a gift planned and everything, I hope he likes it. I've been playing around with what I want to do for school too... I didn't get the internship, but there's a field ornithology class this summer that I might take. If the stars align, maybe I can find some paleontological fieldwork.

I want to do many things....

3/23/19

[chaosavatar]

I look at my life and find it wanting. I wonder if I'm meant to be loved in the same way that others are. I feel like I crave the idea of closeness more than closeness itself, like I can only love at a distance--God forbid someone love me back, I don't know how they can do that to themselves.

I've got two roads in front of me right now. There's one I desperately want to walk with a person I love and trust more than anyone else I've ever met. The other pulls me elsewhere. Across mountains, towards something I can't identify. Would he come with me if I asked? Am I worth that uncertainty?

Would he be worth it to me? Would I change my plans, drop my fears, if he asked me to? What am I willing to change about my trajectory for him? How can I expect him to follow me when I chase the moon if I can't even say with certainty that I would change for him?

I worry he deserves better. He deserves someone who doesn't hold him at arm's reach and still ache to hold him when they're the one holding back. He deserves someone willing to come in close. I don't know if I can be that person, even though I want to be.

If I left tonight and offered my hand, asked him to run away with me, would he come?

3/16/2019