#machinegunwords

[teatimeprince]

It wasn't that I wanted to die, not at first. I don't think I'm ready to admit it out loud that I felt that way- feel that way. That is probably while I am spilling my soul into places no one will see; no one will care. It is a step towards admitting how many cracks are in my foundation and how my interior is crumbling.

It didn't start wanting to die. I started simply not caring if I did. I thought a change of scenery would help and I was wrong. With time to myself, liquid courage, and powdered numbing agent running through me I was given a lot of time to think. I looked at my hopelessness and I dove headfirst. Next thing I knew, I didn't want to kill myself (I wasn't worth it) but I did want to die.

I still do.

[teatimeprince]

I know he worried, he blamed himself for not seeing the signs. But then- what are the signs? There aren't physical symptoms like someone with a terminal disease. Perhaps one could see it in their eyes, but I had stopped looking anyone in the eyes for a while. How could they see that ashy grey colour that indicates the complete absence of hope?

I worry that it can still be smelled on me; a sour, despondent smell, like milk, left too long in the sun. I tried to hide the smell, it wasn't hard just a couple splashes of cologne and some candles about the flat. There was no way for him to know- not with mahogany teakwood wafting so powerfully through my home.

I worried that my voice would betray me. I could hear it- the lack of electricity, the lack of life. I had- have- a dead voice. The voice of someone who doesn't care if they live- like a note played on a harpsichord: Tiny, listless, flat. The only noise someone like me could make was an unpleasant sound that caused the skin to crawl- nails on a chalkboard.

But maybe the signs were in my head.

[teatimeprince]

I’ve never known what it is to be trusted and cherished. 

I’ve only known the pain of thinking I was. 

[teatimeprince]

Does it ever feel like emotions are just gifts that we feel obligated to present to each other?

[teatimeprince]

Every time I looked at you, [in a crowd, in a dark room] I should have known you were a mistake designed to leave me empty and fragile. But, all I saw was love and now it is too late.

Hellyer