The Ants - [Mack x David]
A/N: I really hope you love this one. I wrote this awhile ago, but didn't post it with all the writing struggles of this summer. I came back to it last week and had a "B, you're a great writer" moment. I love the external feedback here, but it's also SO nice when I re-center in myself and appreciate what I create too 💜 That always seems to happen for me with these two.
Summary: Knox has a hard day at school while trying to adjust to his new baby sister.
Word Count: 4.6k
David is just finishing twisting together two sections of cut wire to fix a fence adjacent to their Northern neighbor when his phone rings.
He pushes out an annoyed sigh, sick of being interrupted today. He had a small to do list he wanted to get done. Yeah, he is supposed to be on paternity leave, but Rosie and Mack were going to take a nap so she told him to go do something else so they could “sleep in peace.”
Whatever that means.
For late February, it’s cold. So cold that David is bundled up similarly to how he would be in early January. He bites the middle finger of his work glove, giving it a tug so he can dig in his jacket for his phone. The only reason he is even entertaining this phone call is because it might be his wife. He pulls it out, looking down at the screen. He sighs when he sees a school district number. Internally he groans. Before he even answers, he knows this is about Knox.
“This is David.” He says, pinching the phone into his shoulder and cheek so he can finish the last few twists of wire.
“Hey, it’s Shawn.”
“Starting to hate seeing your number on my phone, Shawn.” The other man chuckles.
“I know. But Knox had a situation this morning.”
“Alright?” David says, grunting as he makes the final twist. His shoulder begins to cramp up, so he tosses the pliers into the tool box at his feet. He stands to his full height, empty hand resting on the fence post. “What happened?”
“He was out at recess with his class and there was a…. scuffle with him and another child.” Shawn picks his words carefully. Context is everything in these situations. David sighs. “They were playing tag in a group. There was a disagreement over who was “it” and Knox knocked the kid to the ground by diving for his legs.” David purses his lips to resist a laugh.
“Mhm.”
“When he had the child on the ground he shoved snow into his face and proceeded to yell ‘shut the fuck up’. ”
Alright, that’s less funny.
“Oof.” David cringes. “Alright. So, are you calling to tell me or because I gotta come get him?”
“You need to come get him.”
That wasn’t the answer David wanted. He hangs his head down looking at his old, scuffed up boots, a contrast from the bright red toolbox he just repainted with the boy in trouble at school.
“Okay.” David sighs. “I’ll be there in a few. Gotta check in with my wife first.”
“I understand. He’ll be in my office when you get here.”
David click off the phone then leans back and groans an exaggerated “fuuuuuuuuuck” to the grey sky. This is not what he wanted to deal with today. But he can’t say he is entirely surprised. As he loads up the truck, he thinks back to Knox’s disaster of a week. He’s already been in Shawn, the schools behavior manager’s office, three out of four days. Monday he was there for five minutes. Tuesday it was thirty. Yesterday it was two hours. Mack and David get a daily report now for how often he is there. During conferences they learned he was spending more time in Shawn’s office than in his classroom. David has never seen Mack so pissed.
David’s truck dips and sways as he slowly heads back towards the main road through the farm. Once he gets there, he increases his speed, rubbing his hand over his thick, black beard. He hasn’t shaved since before Rosie was born. Been too damn busy to keep up with his high maintenance hair growth.
When David gets to the main area, he parks his truck then walks with forceful boot steps into the barn. There, he sees Becks and Tanner.
“Can you guys go out and keep fixing fence on the North side? I gotta head to school.”
“Damn, who did Knox beat up?” Becks laughs. “Love that kid.”
“You the one saying 'shut the fuck up’ around him?” David asks, tilting his head with a menacing glare.
“Wha-what? No?” But his reddening cheeks make him seem less innocent.
“Better not be.” David gives a pointed look. Becks has been an inconsistent worker for David over the years. The problem is that when he’s on, he’s the best damn farm hand David has ever had. When he’s off, it’s a fucking train wreck. That train wreck usually involves a loose tongue.
“Let’s go.” Tanner nudges Becks. David watches them move towards the workbenches to grab their own tool boxes. Satisfied they’re on a better track, David heads up to the house.
Quietly, he opens the door, expecting the sight he sees of Mack asleep on the couch. Despite his worsening mood, his lips tilt up at both corners into a soft smile. He kicks his boots off, then shrugs his heavy jacket down. He leaves it on the entry way bench before continuing into the living room. Mack’s cheeks are pink and she snores a tad from being on her back. One of her hands is resting on the bassinet where their daughter sleeps swaddled, pacifier tucked between her lips. The girls are enjoying the stillness with all the boys at school, taking advantage of the perfect napping conditions.
David leaves his wife be, not even ghosting his lips over hers like he wants to. Instead, he changes out of his work stuff then heads to Mack’s SUV where Knox’s booster seat is from swimming lessons last night. He turns the car on then immediately silences the radio. He can’t stand the noise when his mind is racing.
This all feels like his fault. He saw the signs building this entire week, with the extra time in Shawn’s office or struggling with staying awake at dinner. Everything was worse his morning. Knox had a tough time getting up for school. He got overwhelmed with the choices of cereal for breakfast and threw himself onto the floor in the kitchen until David finally just decided to pour a little of all three flavors into a bowl and set it by him. He ate breakfast piece by piece while sniffling on the wood floor.
David shakes his head when he remembers trying to get Knox dressed afterwards. He had clawed at every piece of fabric on his body saying it all was itchy. When they finally decided on a sweatsuit for the most comfort, David thought they were over the bridge. Then Knox had refused to brush his teeth, throwing his toothbrush across the bathroom when David asked him to pick up the pace since they were running behind for school drop off. David had to take his own break after that, counting to five multiple times while managing his breath.
The school comes into view as David flips his blinker on and takes a left into the parking lot. He parks in the visitor spot by the drop off circle then heads towards the office. He smiles politely at the office receptionist then takes a seat as directed across from her desk.
“Would you like coffee, David? Or some water?” She asks with an overly large smile. David twists his wedding band on his hand and shakes his head, scratching an itch on the side of his nose.
“No thank you. I’ll be up all night at this stage in the day.”
“Okay. If you need anything, let me know.” David swears she winks as she sits back down. He has to hide a smile behind his hand. Mack would be loving this if she were here.
Shawn comes around the corner, immediately striding towards him and extending a hand like they’re old friends.
“Hey.” David shakes his hand.
“He’s having a tough week, huh?” Shawn motions for David to follow him towards his office. David nods in acknowledgement of that. “Probably best to shut him down.” He says as they pass by the principals office. She looks at him over her glasses and gives an enthusiastic wave. David politely nods. Lord. He shoves his hands into his pockets, then focuses on Shawn’s words. Shut him down…
“Wait you’re suspending him?” David asks sharply. His hackles are raised on his neck. Of course Knox shouldn’t have done that, but a suspension as a five year old? What the hell. “That seems like overkill, Shawn.” He grumbles. The two men pause outside of Shawn’s office. David sets his hands on his hips in annoyance. Inside, he can see his son sitting, pouting in a chair while kicking the toe of his winter boot into the floor.
“No. Not a suspension. But a shut down. For Knox’s benefit. He needs to be home more than he needs to be here. His teacher has a packet of school work for him to complete while he is out. But he’s struggling with the change. He needs to find a different outlet for all these feelings, David.”
David scratches his hand across his eyebrow, sighing heavily. He has so much shit to do right now. Between Mack recovering, a new baby, and Felix off traveling the world in his well earned retirement, he is feeling overwhelmed. Kind of like Knox does. But David is an adult and he has the tools to manage this all. Knox doesn’t yet. He needs David to be an example and help him figure some of this out.
“Have you taken him to that specialist in Des Moines I recommended?”
“We just had our fourth baby. No.” David snaps. “And nothing is wrong with him so what’s the point?”
“Okay.” Shawn raises his hands. “Nothing is wrong with Knox but he processes differently than the world is set up for kids like him. He is unique.” Shawn nods his head. “But he needs a tool box. Soon. Or he is going to have a label slapped on him by the world.”
“Alright. I understand what you’re saying. But you’re gonna hear from my wife when she gets wind of him being out of school the rest of the week. I’m not saving ya from her.”
“I enjoy when Mack challenges my two degrees in Child Psychology. Makes me better at my job.” Shawn chuckles. David may not like what Shawn is saying, but he knows he has Knox’s best interest at heart. They’re lucky he is willing to go to bat for Knox and bringing him to a safe space when he needs it. But Shawn is right. He’s a band-aid in all this. Knox needs more specialized help… and a diagnosis.
“I’m going to grab his school work. Feel free to go in and sit with him. I’ll be back.” Shawn heads off in the direction they came.
David opens the door to Shawn’s office. Knox glances up then immediately scowls, kicking his boot harder into the carpet.
“I asked for mama.”
“Well you get me.” David shrugs his big shoulders at his grumpy son.
“I didn’t do it.” Knox says, defiance and annoyance expanding his little nostrils as a wrinkle appears in the middle of his nose.
“You did, Knox. Don’t lie to me. It’s a waste of your breath and my time.” Knox’s cheeks puff as he begins to hold his breath. His little face starts to turn tomato red.
“Breathe, baby.” David murmurs patiently as Knox clearly has tears growing in his eyes.
Knox’s head rocks back towards the ceiling and he lets out a sob from deep in his chest. It cracks against David’s sternum, making his heart hurt. He steps forward and crouches down in front of his son. Knox tries to push him away with his feet on his shoulders. David gently grabs his ankles, taking his feet down.
“You can push me away but I’m still here for you, okay? I’m not going anywhere.”
Knox hides his face in his hands, little shoulders shaking. The big dam of emotions that Knox has been holding back all week breaks. Now comes the paralysis, where he doesn’t know what to do anymore. Sometimes it comes out in a big sobbing fit or aggression or angry screaming. Today they’ve hit the trifecta. David scoops him into his arms then takes over the seat he was sitting in. He cradles him like he’s a baby again, dropping kisses into his hair and holding him close.
His son lets it all out into his dad’s coat. Snot and tears soak into the rough canvas fabric and David relaxes into the chair, wanting Knox to feed off his energy. “Show him how to calm down,” Mack has coached David once. “He doesn’t know how to. So show him.”
David closes his eyes, doing his best to become soft but stay strong enough to be a comfort to his son.
“I didn’t mean to.” Knox cries. “I just… I… I don’t know!”
David rubs his back up and down, using long strokes to soothe him rather than rushed circles. His fingers go from his hair all the way down to his lower back, then back up again. He takes large, exaggerated breaths, smiling slightly when Knox started to match him breath for breath.
“We can talk about this later. With mama.”
“I don’t want to be in trouble!” Knox starts to panic and cry again.
“Hey, hey, hey.” David coos, getting his attention. “I love you. You’re okay. We will talk everything through later.” Knox searches David’s face as he pulls away from his chest. David looks back at him with reassurance and love. Knox nods then puts his forehead into David’s neck. They stay like that until Shawn returns.
“So back Monday?” David confirms with Shawn when he takes the packet around Knox’s body.
“Yep. Have a good weekend, Knox. We will talk more on Monday.”
Knox refuses to look at Shawn but David can tell it’s because he is feeling guilty and ashamed of losing his cool. He had been doing really well lately, but the addition of Rosie has them all a bit off their routine. That makes life so much harder for Knox.
David takes Knox out to the truck and buckles him into the back. He gets into the driver’s seat and points the car towards home. Two minutes into the ride, Knox is out. David gets to a red light then sighs as he looks at a sleeping Knox in the rear view mirror.
Knox tests David as a parent. His son’s differences illuminate a part of him he doesn’t like. He gets impatient, snappy and rigid. Knox creates chaos and David always wants to pin him down to make him fall into line. Essentially, Knox brings out David’s father, Chuck, in him. The parts of his father he didn’t enjoy much and that irks him. He shouldn’t be repeating history with these kids. Wasn’t that a fear of his that made him not want children in the first place?
But just like Knox has been working on some things, so has David. He is determined to have this time end better for them.
David parks in the spot he vacated an hour ago. Some snow has started to fall, collecting in his hair and shoulders as he carries Knox into the house.
“Hey, was wondering when you would be in for lunch…” Mack trails off. She purses her lips when she sees Knox in his arms. “Oh.” She knows without knowing. “Our fault. We shouldn’t have send him today.” Mack says immediately.
“That can’t always be the answer, honey.”
“No, but it was pretty bad. He couldn’t regulate at all and was showing us that.” She leans forward to kiss Knox's forehead, rubbing his cheek gently. “Poor bubba.”
“Gonna put him in his room.” David says to her. He crouches down for a kiss, then heads upstairs.
When he comes back, he collapses into a chair at the kitchen table. Mack is up washing pump parts. Rosie is sleeping in her bassinet still. The TV in the living room projects the cheers of a talkshow crowd.
“I can do that.” David tells his wife, shrugging out of his jacket.
“You’re fine sitting there.” Mack tells him. “Tell me what happened with Knox.”
“He got mad at a kid during recess this morning and knocked him over. But he wasn’t satisfied with just that so he tossed snow in his face when he was already down.”
“Oh. Honestly that’s not terrible. Nicky’s taken worse from him on days like this.” David gives her a look. “Well it’s true!”
“Then he told the kid to shut the fuck up.”
“Ooooo that is… not ideal.” Mack cringes. She wipes her hands off then joins him on his chair, straddling his lap. She winces slightly at the lingering ache from her recent delivery.
“So they sent him home for the rest of the week. He can go back on Monday.” David finishes while rubbing circles into her thigh.
“Wait, what? They suspended him!?” Hey eyes narrow into tiny slits. “I swear to god, Shawn doesn’t fucking listen when I talk to him. Does he think because I just had a baby I won’t show up there?” David chuckles, beaming with pride at his wife getting all protective and huffy of Knox. He’s lucky she is his mama.
“Told him you’d be calling.”
“Damn right I will. I don’t care if I’m deep in the trenches of postpartum. I’ll roll up to that school too and tell him to shut the fuck up.” Maybe David was too hard on Becks earlier…
“He isn’t suspended.” David assures her. “Shawn called it a shut down. Basically, he thinks Knox should be home because he needs time to adjust here with us to all the changes that are going on.”
“Well, duh.” Mack rolls her eyes. “Ugh he’s so annoying. You deal with him. I’ll say something and it will get me kicked out of that school for good.”
“Shawn wants him to go to that specialist.” David looks into her eyes. “We need to make it a priority.”
“I know.” Mack agrees. “I’ll call this afternoon.” David nods and an uncomfortable silence fills the room. They’re nervous about all this, unsure about what this means for Knox and the rest of his life.
“How is our girl?” David changes the subject.
“Perfect. Really my best work yet.”
“Yours…” David chuckles.
“Sure you were there but were you really? Did you do anything that mattered?” She scrunches her nose at him.
“Talking a lot of shit for someone wearing a diaper.” Mack’s head knocks backwards as she howls with laughter.
“That was good! Wow, the difference between the first and the fourth is wild. If you said that to me after Nicky, I would have cried.”
“You would have left me.” David says, wrapping his arms around her waist so he can bury his face into her chest. She smells comforting like breast milk and their newborn. “I need you to tell me it’s going to be okay.” He admits.
“Of course it is. When has it ever not been okay when we team up on something?” He smiles into her shirt. He feels her lips hit the back of his head. “We love him. That’s the only thing we need to be an expert at right now. Everything else we can learn.”
“I don’t want this for him. I’m scared.” David shakes his head, sitting back up. “Like, we know he’s different, but then we’re going to get this diagnosis for him and he gets slapped with a label. Then he is just that. He’s never Knox again- to the school, to the doctors, to us. That’s a lot for a five year old to carry.” Mack holds David’s cheeks in her palms, listening, thinking. She traces her fingers over his beard then inhales.
“But he will carry this either way, babe.” Mack admits softly. “So we need to figure out what it is so that we can help him carry it. This won’t go away if we never have a name for it.”
“I know you’re right. I’m just too scared right now to take that in.”
“Okay.” Mack nods, leaning forward to kiss him. She wraps him up into a big hug, sighing out the weight of this conversation. Her fingers thread through his black hair, scratching his scalp. “Why don’t you go focus on Rosie for a bit? She should get up and changed and ready for her next feeding.”
“Feels so good right here though.” He notes her lips shift into a smile on his shoulder. His hands move from her waist to her ass, cupping each cheek in his big palms.
“Seriously?” She mumbles into his sweatshirt.
“Yeah.” He chuckles. “Always trying to cop a feel.”
“Of my diaper?”
“Just more to grab.” He teases.
Mack and David spend the next hour focused on their youngest. They go through the process of changing her, feeding her, burping her, changing her again, then getting her swaddled back up for her next round of sleep. David checks on Knox after the process. He is still sprawled out on his bed where he left him, breathing heavy and consistent as he sleeps deep, unaware of his father watching him from the doorway.
The itchy feeling of fear collects at the back of David’s neck again. He meant what he said to Mack, he doesn’t want this for Knox. Not because it tests him as a parent but because the world is so damn mean. He can’t stand the thought of it turning on his son.
But in the deep, darkest vault of his mind, there is a nasty, unspoken fear that wakes David up in the middle of the night. The emotional overload, the big reactions, the hitting and screaming and impulsivity. The massive energy swings that have Knox running around in circles sometimes because he literally can’t do anything else. It reminds David of his brother, Tommy. There are similar stories already, similar incidents at school and on the farm that claw at David’s brain from time to time.
He can’t let this version of their family history repeat itself with his son. And that’s why Mack is right. They need to become experts in this. They need to help him. His parents didn’t have the tools, but David and Mack will. They’ll do whatever it takes to make sure Knox has a different story.
Because right now, it may just be a learning difference or a behavioral issue.
But in the future, it could be the difference between living or dying.
That’s a gamble David won’t take with their child.
Knox shifts suddenly on the bed. David blinks, focusing in on him as he awakens.
“Dad?” Knox calls quietly.
“Yeah, buddy?”
“Can you cuddle with me?” David smiles, feeling tears pinch the backs of his eyes. His sweet little buddy.
“Yeah.” The word breaks coming from David’s mouth. He walks over to his small bed, collecting him into his chest as he folds his large body onto the mattress. Knox’s hand falls onto his shoulder.
“Thanks for coming to get me. I felt better when you came to school.” Knox tells him. David’s throat closes up tighter at the truthful admission.
“I’ll always come for you, okay? Even when you’re grown and maybe don’t live here anymore and you need someone. You can still call me.”
“I don’t know why I did it. I get so mad sometimes. I can’t… stop.” Knox’s lip trembles. “I don’t want to be like this. I want to be like Nicky or Bobo. They’re not like this.” David pushes his hair off his forehead, heart hurting at Knox’s obvious struggle.
“We love you exactly as you are. You don’t have to be anything different. But it’s not okay to hurt people because you’re hurting inside. That’s what we have to work on.”
“They gets so bad sometimes.”
“What does?”
“The ants in my body. They move me before I can think my thoughts through.” Knox holds his hands up, the backs towards David, then his fingers curl inwards until his hands are clenched fists. He rolls his wrists around like he is uncomfortable, then his lips twist into a grimace.
“Are the ants moving right now?” David asks.
“No. They went to sleep when we got in the car.” Which is when Knox fell asleep in an exhausted heap.
“How long have they been moving?”
“Since Monday.”
Fuck, that sounds miserable. To be that hyperactive for four days straight, waking up every morning still feeling like your body is on fire from all this unconfined energy.
“Wow, Knoxie. That sound like a lot. Are you tired?” Knox nods limply. “I didn’t know you were feeling that way.”
“I tried to tell mama.” Knox says quietly. “She… She’s busy.” That is something David will be keeping to himself.
“Yeah. She’s got a lot going on.” David agrees. “Do you think you would be comfortable telling me too?”
“Ya.” Knox nods.
“Okay. Let’s plan on that then. Mama and I both wanna know when the ants are out, okay? You don’t need to take on a full colony all alone. Do you think that would help?”
“Ya.” He agrees. Knox plays with the strings on David’s sweatshirt. “Can we go see mama?”
“Yeah. Are you ready to?”
“Ya.” David smiles.
The two crawl out of bed, then David holds Knox’s hand as they go down the stairs. When they get to the bottom, Knox lets go of David to run to Mack. She opens her arms wide, bright smile on her face as she greets him.
“Hi baby!” She leans back so he can crawl into her lap. Knox immediately clings to her neck, burying his face there as he smiles wide. “You missed me so much so you came home early?”
“Ah….” His bright hazel eyes glint mischievously. “Ya.”
“No.” Mack pokes his stomach. “We’ll talk later. What do you want for lunch?”
“Grilled cheese!” He shouts.
David moves to the kitchen, ready to step into his role as chef.
“That sounds so good.” Mack compliments him.
“Mama, you want one too?” David asks.
“Yes, please.”
“I wanna help make Mama’s!” Knox declares.
“Get in here then. Ladies eat first in this house.”
“Can we make one for Posie?” Knox asks as he walks into the kitchen.
“She’s too little still, buddy.” David says from the fridge.
“Oh.” Knox frowns. “She’s kinda useless.”
Mack and David both laugh.
“Yeah, kinda.” David agrees. “But we are still gonna keep her. Just like we kept you.”
Knox lets out a goofy and hearty chuckle.
“I was like that?”
“Yeah.” David grins at him, crouching down to where he is. Knox narrows his eyes at him in concentration. “You were a huge baby too. So you drank a lot of milk.”
“I’m glad I can have grilled cheese now.” He says seriously. “I don’t really like milk.”
“I know.” David chuckles, ruffling his hair. “Alright, do you want to butter the bread or put the cheese on?”
“Cheese.” Knox says. “I’m not good at buttering bread.”
“Well, you’re never gonna be if you don’t learn.” David shrugs. He puts the step stool next to the sink and Knox climbs up so he can wash his hands after David.
“Okay. I’ll do the bread.”
“Good choice.” David murmurs.
He glances over his shoulder at Mack who is watching them in adoration.
“You’re really good at this.” Mack tells her husband.
“Learned everything from you.” He responds with a smirk.
“Best team.” Mack confirms.
She’s right.
With this team, there isn’t anything they can’t do.
Whatever is ahead, they will take on together.
So bring it on.