Rambling?
I guess that I feel okay to talk about it. I was thinking about it a lot lately. Recently I thought I was getting to where I enjoyed car rides again...the night I had this thought. I had a very horrid and vivid dream about being in another wreck. I've been having a lot of these recently. Like my brain is punishing me. "How do you relax? How dare you feel safe?" I really hate saying something triggers me. A lot of people use that word wrong. A lot of people say something 'triggers' them just because they don't like it. It is not my intention to invalidate someone's traumas but I know plenty of people who misuse the word or use it jokingly. I used to be the type to jokingly say to my friends 'that triggers me.' Were there things that reminded me of traumatizing events in my life? Certainly. Yelling makes me think of my dad. So do the words 'stupid,' 'invalid,' 'retarded,' and 'useless.' But these were never extreme enough for me to consider it a 'trigger.' It was just something that made me unhappy. No, it took me a while to admit to myself "I have PTSD" from the wreck. I first realized just how extreme a trigger was to me when I was exiting the Dollar store by my house. It was only a month or two after the wreck and I was eye level with the caved in, scraped up, smashed side of a silver pick-up truck. I didn't recognize immediately what I saw. I just gasped in horror, jumped even at the site. It immediately took me to the scenes of our wreck: crunched up metal, broken glass, a headlight laying on the ground. My heart was pounding hard and I had reacted without any thought. I just sat in the handicapped space in my wheelchair, staring, trying to calm down. That truck wasn't moving. The owner had driven it to the store...but even so, my body had reacted without warning. At intersections - I flinch. If someone moves forward just a bit at one when it is our turn to go, I find myself gasping softly or saying 'watch out.' I realize this can be annoying, but it isn't something I do on purpose.
Hell, its annoying to me. I just want to enjoy car rides again. I remember when I was sixteen or seventeen, I was traveling to AZ. I was scared shitless of planes (and I still am.) I recall chuckling smugly every time someone assured me that 'cars were more dangerous than planes.' Sure, I had been in a few tiny, insignificant wrecks as a child but I still felt invincible. "That'll never happen to me." I had spent so many hours on car trips, on interstates, at intersections, with my family and had never really faced what I did until I turned 20. The fact of that matter is, it is still affecting me, 7 months later. I don't even know when I'll be okay. When will I stop flinching? When will the sounds of breaking glass, screeching tires, honking horns, sirens, and even the sound of aluminum being crushed stop bothering me? When will little things like assholes pulling in front of us quickly stop making my heart race? I honestly can't say for sure. At 16, I felt invincible. At 21...I feel breakable, small, and fragile - constantly in fear. Every time I sit in a car, every time I climb into the passenger seat, I feel sick and worried. Sitting in the back makes it no better. Closing my eyes makes it worse. And seeing wrecks on TV or on the side of the road? That is probably the worst.
I really hate feeling this way. I hate feeling hesitant to leave the house just because of my fears. Some say that "getting back in the saddle" will help you. But so far, it hasn't.