#major personal

[majorproblems77]

Well...

I...

Fuck

[post-woke]

can i let ppl in to love me in the ways they can, if it isn't harm, but isn't what I need?

[post-woke]

in continuation of the theme of me being thrown back into 2012-2014 mentally, emotionally, and media wise

I remember I liked elementary and JoanLock because it gave me hope that someone could want me even if they could not "have" me

I was still identifying is a woman or bigender or sumn but coming to terms with being asexual and autistic but not aromantic

and deathly afraid that I could not have affection, care compassion, or patience because sex was not...lookin like an inevitable experience for me

and the anxiety of being told for years, that if someone would want me for any reason, it would be my body (because that is what blk woman were good for), and the chances of that were slim because I was not slim.

and no, I am not a british white man detective recovering from addition or an east asian woman doctor

but I was medium needs autistic new adult (moving between low and high needs) with behaviors, boundaries, and needs that always seemed to be obtrusive or too much for everyone

[reddeadredemptiontrash]

The only person that I feel like could calm me down and make me feel kind of okay right now I haven’t really been able to talk to for over a week now.

The last time I saw him and we hung out, things were perfect. Things were okay. And now I’m just scared that things are going to happen again and I can’t do it. Like, I can’t mentally deal with it if it happens again. I can’t lose him.

I appreciate and adore this boy so fucking much y’all. Even through all the shit, the 4-5 months we didnt really talk, I never hated him, I couldn’t hate him if I wanted to.

I know I’m probably overreacting and freaking out over nothing, but it’s how it happened last time. The texting and talking all the time became a few times a day to every other day to hardly once or twice a week to nothing. He told me he’s alright, just working and getting stuff done around his house, but my anxiety has me tripping the fuck out:

I can truly say that I have never felt this way about anyone before, not even the dude before him, let’s call T.

T and I talked for roughly 5-6 months before things fell apart, and we never stepped out of the friendship stage, despite me confessing my feelings for the first time EVER to someone.

Cute dude and I have been talking for almost a year, and I’ve known him a little over a year. I don’t know about him, but I feel like we’re in the “not friends but not together” stage.

I never kissed T.

I never cuddled or hugged T like I do cute dude.

I never told things to T that I have to cute dude.

I never ached for T like I have cute dude.

I thought I knew what happiness felt like with T, driving 3 hours every month to see him felt right.

But with cute dude, he is literally like home. He’s more home than my actual home is. He’s the first person I think of when I’m sad, upset, anxious....

He’s the one I’ve told everything to. I’ve been completely and utterly honest since day one. He has too. He’s told me stuff that he said he’s never talked about with anyone else because he trusted me. We’ve had deep conversations about stuff that we both have trouble with but there’s always been that connection.

And I know he’s went through a lot. People ask me why I stuck around to a boy who’s “emotional unavailable” when it’s not that he’s emotional unavailable, just has this big wall built around him that’s hard to break down. And I feel like every time I start breaking it down, he panics and starts building it up again. Every time we get close, it’s like he knows and freaks out. He’s told me he’s scared of getting hurt again and his last few relationships fucked him up mentally.

I just don’t know what to do to get it through his head how much I care about him. I thought he finally started to understand, but it almost feels like he’s distancing himself again, and this time is even more confusing.

The last time, we hadn’t kissed, cuddled, talked to each other like we have. I feel so confused with the mixed signals. He’s told me he just doesn’t feel ready for a relationship right now and I told him that we could take our time if that’s what he needed, that if I’m better as a friend right now than that’s okay.

But friends don’t kiss friends. Friends don’t cuddle friends like we do. Friends don’t talk about a potential future together.

I’m just at a loss right now. I just wish I could read his mind sometimes. I wish we had a mutual friend that I could talk to, something. I just want to understand him more. I want to know everything about him and how to go about these things.

I really hope it doesn’t happen again, my heart can’t handle that. Of course, unlike last time, I’m not going to distance myself too unless he asks that of me. I will straight up be like “No, we can’t do this again. Please, let’s talk about this, what you’re going through, what you’re feeling, what you’re thinking so I can stop playing a guessing game. I know it’s hard, but you HAVE to open up to me and we have to discuss these things because although I’d love to, I can’t read minds and I need to know the proper way of going about this.”

It’s hard trying to understand, even when I go through similar things, especially since we both suffer from severe anxiety, but it’s like we handle them in completely different ways and his way is a bit confusing, which my way is probably just as confusing to him.

I get overly attached and when my anxiety kicks in, I tend to clutch onto that person or thing because I’m afraid they’re going to disappear and slip away because they always do.

He pushes everyone and everything away, he won’t answer messages of concern or waits until it gets to a point where someone goes looking for him and he brushes it off as being busy. (which is why I’m so worried rn, bevause yes he works a lot and does a lot outside of work but he’s been so... distant suddenly. again.)

I’m just worried for him. I’m giving it time because he’s told me multiple times that this is something he does and can’t help or stop. He comes back around, but the last time this happened for 5 months. I can’t wait 5 more months not knowing what’s going on.

I’ve told him that. I’ve told him how worried and concerned I was and that was the reason I never stopped talking to him because I wasn’t giving up on him unless he told me himself he didn’t want anything to do with me. But things are different now. I want to clarify what exactly we are and if he ever intends to be more than what we are, but if so, the pushing away thing HAS to be worked out and something needs to be figured out so we can work through it for future reference instead of the guessing game which leads to hurt and confusion, especially now that things have changed between us.

Sorry to ramble, but I have no one and nowhere to go. I don’t want to mention this to my friends or close family because of last time. I don’t want people to hate him and things to be said when it could be nothing. I’ve tried to explain to them that this is a normal thing he does and I’m working on understanding it more, but people keep trying to tell me it’s an excuse. He’s never lied to me, he’s always been honest and I trust him with my entire heart. If I didn’t, I wouldn’t have stuck around and I wouldn’t feel the way I do towards him still.

I just want this to work out. I’ve never wanted someone as much as I have him. He’s someone I truly can see myself with, and I don’t want to freak him out by telling him, but I just wish I could get it through his head that I do love him, I love him a lot. It’s a scary word and I don’t want to throw it out to him yet, but I want him to know that I’m not going to be like his exes, I would never ever cheat on him, manipulate him, anything like that.

I don’t know my dudes, I’m not a religious person but I’m praying to whoever is up there to just... please. It’s been such a good 3 months, my mental health (aside from the panic attacks I’ve had in the last week) has been the best it’s been in a while, I’m actually looking forward to being in my hometown for a while, and I feel like I have someone. Just pelase, I don’t know what I need to do, but I’ll do anything to keep my life going the way it has the last few months. I can’t handle another relapse.

[attractionsaroundgenevafbx]

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[itsj3rmz]

I feel it again.

Something is drawing me back to go and research more on careers in the military again. I glance at the recruiters office every time I pass by it. I feel as if I don’t do it, I’ll regret if for the rest of my life. Idk. I need to start properly discerning about this. As much as I enjoy everything here in Houston with the community, school, work, and my family. I feel the calling to do more. Sigh. I should get back to studying now shouldn’t I?

[itsj3rmz]

If it will happen, it will happen.

Endure the pain and wait patiently. It is in this trial that you will grow stronger.

[210pm]

I just wanna go home and sleep. But I'm already at home so now I'm stuck longing for something I can't recognize, only feel. How fucking lame.

I wanna cry a lot I wanna see my mom I wanna be babied this year is kicking my ass and I feel like a failure