This is How I’ve Been Handling My Toddler’s Tantrums and It’s Working Really Well
I often have a challenging time with Dozer. He’s the eldest and the sweetest. Yet, we seem to be at loggerheads every day. He’s either going through a tantrum every day or behaving like a teenager (read: ignoring me) and I often wonder how it’ll be like when he actually becomes a teenager.
I know that Dozer went through quite a long adjustment period when Baby Dino was born. I know that sometimes he’s jealous of Baby Dino who’s usually clinging to me like a koala. I also know that Dozer is often expected to step up and behave like the magnanimous, older brother and he’s only 5.
Does knowing all these make it easier?
Absolutely not.
Does being Dozer’s natural birth mother make it easier?
Shockingly, NO.
Some days, it feels too much. I’m overwhelmed with my responsibilities, facing issues, and things are not going very well. Then I come home, and the first thing I have to deal with is a tantrum crash. It feels like God is trying to drown me.
Those days, I am a horrible mother. I don’t stop to talk and understand what’s going on. I’m curt, impatient and a MOMster. It’s totally understandable but it’s still NOT RIGHT.
But most days, amazingly, despite my frustration, impatience and weariness of having to deal with tears after tantrum after tears, I manage to pull through. Yes, it’s doable! It doesn’t happen out of nowhere, in fact, I have a pretty systematic approach to it. It works amazingly well for me, and I hope it will help you too!
1. Take a deep breath
Because the first thing that needs to happen is I have to calm down.
Breathe x 1.
Imagine you’re a fairy or superwoman or whatever works.
Breathe x 2.
Think about the chocolate that’s waiting for you in the fridge when it’s all over.
Breathe x 3.
Think about how you can post that photo of you hugging your kid on Facebook without any guilt.
Feeling better? Let’s move on.
2. “If you (the mother) are not going to be there for him, who is?”
Asking myself this always pulls me away from focusing on myself. It reminds me that he’s a little boy, who’s having a harder time adjusting to the nuances and norms of the world. He needs even more help and understanding from me. It’s easier to want to tell Dozer to “cut the drama out” and just “accept that things are like that” but I have realised that things which are straightforward to me, are interpreted differently by him.
So even though you may feel more angry bird than lovey dovey, remember, YOU HAVE GOTTA BE THERE FOR HIM because he has nobody else.
3. Use the phrase “I know”
I once blogged about the one magic phrase to instantly calm down a crying toddler. These are one of the few parenting tactics I use, which hold water till this very day.
“I know you feel this is not fair and you should be having the car.”
“I know how you feel.”
“I know this is not what you wanted.”
The phrase “I know” is a truly magic phrase which stops his tantrum from going on for too long and it works wonders at getting Dozer to open up and tell me what’s going on.
I am still amazed at the magic of this phrase but of course, when you think about it, it makes sense!
Using the phrase “I know” implies empathy and understanding of what the other party is going through. It means I’m acknowledging the other party’s emotions or thoughts and actually communicating to them that I am on the same page. Once the other party feels understood, it’s often easier to move on from there.
(Side note: The “I know” phrase works very well on adults too so the next time you’re in an argument, you might want to consider using it.)
4. Try giving a hug
When I’m on the verge of yelling at Dozer - be it out of frustration or anger - that’s my signal to give him a hug instead. It seems like the most wrong thing to do because kids need to be disciplined and they ought to learn that bad behaviour is not going to be rewarded!!!
Right?
Wrong.
Ok, well, it depends. I think each kid is different but for Dozer, as he’s in the middle of a meltdown, an offer to hug sometimes calms the storm.
You know what’s the worst part?
When I get pushed away.
Sometimes, I offer to hug Dozer and he shakes his head angrily and pushes me away. Then I offer to hug him again and he does the same thing.
Ok, this Mummy is getting angry here but hey, remember question number 1: if I am not here for him, who else is gonna be?
So ok, offer to hug AGAIN and yay!!! It’s working!!!
I find that pausing to hug takes away the heat of the moment, and helps ME to calm down and refocus.
5. They’re watching you. Show up. Be a role model.
It sounds very stressful and it really is, but the cliche of how kids mimic our every move is true. Not 100% true, but like 99% true.
I find that I think and behave very much like my parents, especially when I was younger, and the parts that I don’t like so much took me a long time to undo and reset. I had to fight against that easy way out of mimicking or behaving like my parents and consciously behave in the way that I desired.
Warning: Lecture-ish statements ahead. Read only if you really love your kids.
If I retaliate to Dozer’s tantrums with sharpness and impatience, that’s precisely what I’m teaching my kids. That when problems crop up, the way to deal with it is to be angry and yelly (I know that’s not a word but you know what I mean and it rhymes).
This thought has often shocked me into behaving better. I picture my kids growing up and behaving like Mummy when she’s in her bad-version and it frightens me enough to behave better myself.
So, when the tantrums come on:
1. Breathe deep
2. Ask yourself: If you aren’t there for your tantrummy toddler, who else will be? (Daddy’s working by the way, so it’s just you.)
3. Use the magic phrase “I know”
4. Stop to give a hug, and
5. Picture your kids behaving like an adult having a tantrum or not coping in life because they never had a good role model
I believe this will help you (and your toddler, of course) to get through those tears and crying and lying on the floor in a public place and whatnot.
