It's so hard sometimes I scream, stamp my feet, and pace like a caged lioness. I have to let that bullshit out. I cant keep my anger in, it will only get worst and explode often embarrassing me if I dont. Theres no harm is screaming or crying as long as it doesn't go on for days and doesnt make the neighbor call 911. Since my last post there is no job waiting for me to get better to go back to now. I had always hoped to go back, no more not, thanks to some clause at work. The future is just an unknown blobby nothingness to me. It can be scary. Meanwhile I'd like to be able to be completely autonomous as well as be able to cook for myself without burning, injury or rage. Cooking should be fun right? What's fun? I've forgotten. I'm not really in any shape for anything. Before the Pandemic it was already tough enough for me. I was working hard on getting somewhere. Then I had a nasty couple of falls and I'm back to square 1 again. Brush myself off get up and start again. Im still pushing it, when will I learn? Slow down, life is not a race. I have to be careful when I'm spread to thin. The part of my brain that controls my gimbals is broken if I move too fast woah wipe out. Sometimes I cant help myself andI get stuck on a subject for hours till I've worked through my emotions. I dig into the chores not realizing that it may be too much for me during a heat wave. What's up with my brain that it feels like I have to pull up the slack to be considered human. I am enough as is!!!!
Everyone is suffering and feeling the pinched in these hard times. After 5 years you would think I've gotten used to being miserable with pain and many limitations sure heap on this crazy ass, heavy, sick world. Clearly It is no place for me right now. Crazy shit been happening out there and good stuff too.
So no cooking pancakes or bacon for me. If I'm hungry, Ill grab a fruit, some vegies; nevermind cook anything its too hot. I'm trying to see the silver lining; at least the weather is nice. That seem like something a "Karen" would say. Kay? I have to put on a mask to go for a walk isnt my life worth it? Every one else doesn't seem to think so here on my island, I get weird looks for wearing one. Sometimes it's so depressing that I feel like a Pokemon Psyduck, migraine and all. Just Explode!
I hit my head on the ceiling coming down the stairs, I'm tall and on that little shelf in the bathroom again. Grrr. I stuck a pingpong ball on the corner so the next time it happens it wont hurt as much. I guess that's learning and adapting of sorts.
I'm not hungry and it doesnt matter that all food smells horrible, nothing new just another awkward moment of being brain injured. I cant take meds unless I eat. So cut fresh veggies, some cheese and fruit. Or a smoothie its all good. Ive been worst and I believe I will get better. I wish I could go more than 3 days without injuring myself. Almost went flying down the stairs yesterday. This AM I tripped, twisted my ankle, the wall catches me right on my sore rotator cuff because I lost track my phone. Oi! Enough!
Maybe a padded house? Or just a padded room? I'm feeling so raw, bitter,feed up and beaten right now. Everyone does I guess.
With my balance and everything being so bad, all I can do is rest. Its either kill the air conditioner cause it's so noisy or melt because it was 36° out. I'm not in good shape at this moment, the heat wave got to me, dare I say.
It will pass. It will get better! I must remain positive. Even though my head and body are not feeling happy, at all. I've given up on waiting to get an appointment with my doctor.
People who have TBI, CPFS and other auto immunity health issues thier bodies are not so good at metabolizing for the weather. Often when we get sweaty we can actually began to shiver. We can be hot and cold at the same time because certain systems are messed up in our brains and body. So important to be good to yourself and dont do stranous activities when it's too hot. Still too hot, have a cool bath with an iced drink. Rest,read,grab an ice pack and relax
