#manic as hell

[r-4dicall]

anger

[gothtogod]

Being an annoying little sister is so fun I miss this

[lyraeon]

tbh

and it's not the alcohol talking because I DIDN'T EVEN DRINK ANYTHING TONIGHT

I just

idk I was kind of let down by the episode because I was so braced for feels and that weird rival kid kind of cockblocked my feels so I couldn't even cry right

I mean I cried still but

I feel kind of hollow right now

which is dumb to feel over an episode and I'm sure is over away more than just the episode

like the fact I'm falling behind on my writing again and that my friends have mostly fallen out of writing and that I'm terrified about my financial situation and still don't know what I'm going to do as far as finding someone to watch Sheva while I'm in Denver next week

Not to mention my mania peaked and now I feel like the coyote and am scared to look down because i don't know if there's road under me still or I ran off the cliff already because I'm still running for right now

so like

I guess I just want to be able to escape out of my head into my stupid feels and stupid porn of my stupid kids' show that I shouldn't be writing porn of but I'm not going to go elitist on myself about that shit anymore because fuck it it makes me happy and gives me some place to try and focus all this excess energy

But nothing feels right right now

And I really just want to cry and relieve all this pressure but I can't get to that because there's a wall of mania in between me and my access to my tears so I can't cry without purposefully doing something sad

So next best thing is to go fap or something because well there's pressure relief right there but that's a pain in the ass because I'm on my period and that complicates things and makes me uninterested which is a miracle in of itself... plus Brendan's alarm goes off in 5 minutes and it's bad enough I won't be in bed when he wakes up without it being because I'm somewhere else fapping and I don't know what to anyway?

Or of course I could, and probably should, just try to write more

But words are failing me. or probably not really failing me. I'm sure if I could concentrate long enough then I could write fine. I got out about a page earlier in a narrow concentration window but now I'm back to fkshljsa;fh as evidenced by the fact I'm not even bothering with punctuation in about half this post

I just

I wish I could write. That's what I want to do. write and have feels via writing and get something done so I can feel accomplished and proud of myself and have something to reread that has my pairings since most of my pairings are severely neglected in fandom

But that doesn't seem doable

So I don't know what to do instead

fuck I hate 4AM.

[lyraeon]

dofsljksa;kljsad;fk

THE FUNCTION PAUSE AND NEXT BUTTONS ON MY KEYBOARD FINALLY STARTED WORKING

LIKE OUT OF NOWHERE

AND I WAS TRYING TO CHANGE THE VOLUME AND I WAS HITTING THE WRONG KEY SO I KEPT CHANGING THE SONG ON ACCIDENT

FUCK

[lyraeon]

Okay yeah officially pissed at the whole world

Don't want to talk about it because I know it's just the mania talking and it'll wear off once I can actually sleep

just trying to decide whether drinking the rest of the booze in the house and trying to slam this writing out, or doing pushups and situps until I hurt and then just laying there growling at the ceiling, is the better use of my night. Both would be productive in some format.

I just hate that when I get like this the only thing I WANT to do is rearrange furniture, literally, and you can't do that at 2 in the morning.

...meh...